There have been a handful of times in my life when, with one or more (perhaps even an entire cocktail of emotions), I’ve asked myself: “How on earth did I get here?”
I’m having one of those experiences right now, but it’s not lighthearted. Nor is it heavy but ultimately fleeting.
No, this is prolonged.
I sit here on my bed in a house that one of my stepsisters is kind enough to let me live in. Just me, my mother, and my step nephew.
I’m 37 years old, single (and, yes, very aware that I am living with my mother). I’m lonely, and I’m miserable. I’ve only had a couple of girlfriends in my entire life, one in high school and one in college (you can obviously see the level of importance I ascribe to my dating life [or lack thereof] given how quickly it comes up in this post). I run a decently successful, though very small, business. I have people who love me. My health is relatively decent right now, …and yet… I can’t seem to allow any of my present successes or good fortunes make up for the last handful of years of hell that I feel like I’ve gone through.
These last handful of years have brought with them a stream of seemingly unending excruciating experiences. My financial life collapsed. I lost my faith in God, got it back, and lost it again (the latter being my current state of feeling). I lost my health to a degree that was scary for me, and then I got it back again to a decent degree. Some of my dearest friends began believing the worst about me, and I, in turn, feel like I have become more like what they probably saw in me.
I guess I wasn’t emotionally stable enough to handle it all. It’s not like other people don’t go through things like that. Most of us do. I just… I couldn’t handle it all at once. During the last three years, I was washed out to sea. I tread water as long as I could, but then I sank.
I drowned.
As I sit here right now, it doesn’t really matter any more that I’m no longer under water, that I’m able to breathe air: A single drop of water is enough to drown me again. It’s like the proverbial feather that drifts down atop the anvil and crushes the coyote, it’s that last straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Perhaps I have some mental health issues. It would seem to make sense. There are plenty of things I could look at that would prove that things aren’t as bad as I feel like they are, but then drifts down that little feather, and I just crack. I collapse; and whatever that falling feather is isn’t really anything that important at all anyway, but I’ve lost the ability to deal with any bumps in the road. I’m carrying a load from the last few years that I can’t get rid of, and every feather crushes, every straw breaks my back.
At the same time, I’ve been told that given what I’ve been through, how I feel is understandable. Maybe I have some of both going on, some mental health issues and some “it’s totally understandable and normal given…” going on. Or maybe they’re the same thing. I don’t really know, and honestly, I’m not really all that concerned about which or what proportion of each is currently at issue.
What I really want to address is this:
Fear runs my life.
Though I do find myself in a “how on earth did I get here?” place, what’s really at issue is the “where on earth do I go from here?” answer that I’m grasping for.
I desperately want to move. I want to move on, move forward… …something.
It’s taken a while to grasp just how much fear dominates my thoughts and actions, and I probably still don’t fully grasp it, but what I do know is that it’s encompassing, suffocating… paralyzing. I want to move forward, move on, but I can’t. I can’t get myself going. I can’t even figure out what direction I want to go.
Why?
Because of that lovely little fear. I’m so worried of choosing something that’s anything less than the absolute best, the most fulfilling, the most meaningful, the most of x, y, and z that I could possibly do in my short life here on earth that I stay doing what I’m doing instead of letting go and “reaching for the stars.”
I want to be free of the fear, but it’s so ingrained, so entrenched, so seemingly woven into my DNA that I can’t rid myself of it. Though perhaps only a small beginning, this post is a baby step on the path of trying to let the fear go and be free of its prison. Just writing about my life and sharing it with other people strikes fear into me–afraid some people will read and see only a confirmation of the bad person or failure they’ve believed me to be all along, afraid others will read and lose respect for me now that they know x, y, or z, afraid I might come crashing off the pedestal that still other people have put me on, afraid that I or others might destroy my reputation, my opportunities, my life.
Yes, this is a relatively mild post, my language and disclosure perhaps bordering on the melodramatic given that I haven’t shared much of anything at this point. Hopefully, however, future posts will bring to light more of the details that I hold back out of fear. I wish to one day be able to be completely transparent, unafraid of the consequences… to be able to say, “here’s me,” past, present, and future, “make of me what you will.”
Here’s to yet another beginning…
Here’s to learning to be and choosing to be fearless.
Thanks, for reading.
~ Stephen
P.S. If you can think of anyone this post will benefit, please share it. Thanks.
Lift the World 
Fear is indeed a battle. It is so easily trapping with its intricate weave and can creep in so subtlety. I too face the struggle with fear. For me I have times when I feel like I am winning or have won the battle. I’m able to have a “great perspective” about life and things seem to be normal, even dare I say, wonderful. But slowly, somewhere in the corner where I had some little hole or weakness, it begins to slowly come in all over again.
I applaud you for staring fear in the face (even if it was with one eye closed) and sharing your story. Not an easy thing to do. We need more stories shared like this- real stories, that can give hope to others, like me, who also suffer from the trenches of fear.
Stephen, I enjoyed reading this, not because of the pain you have gone through, but because I identify with your pain and can tell you I have had the exact same struggles in my own life. My bit of advice to you is to come to the realization that “absolute best” and “perfect” are concepts that aren’t realistically obtained-in fact, they don’t exist. You will waste your whole life searching for that and missing out on enjoyment of life, which, by the way, is fraught with imperfection.
I have known you for a few years now and you have always been a pleasant and thoughtful person. Most times, you put others before yourself even when you don’t feel up to it. That’s a truly admirable quality that you strive to cultivate and you definitely have an intense dedication about you and what you invest yourself in.
I sometimes feel what guides you to not settle for anything your mind sees as not the absolute best (in another person), is your own self-imposed criteria that you place upon yourself. Let’s face it, Stephen. You are sometimes too hard on yourself! The truth is Stephen, no one can be completely perfect, ourselves included. Knowing that a potential partner may be flawed is fine because you aren’t perfect yourself. Imperfection is basically just this human trait we all have and we are making the best of it. We all have the warts and bumps of life that we’ve accumulated just by living. Sometimes these things define our strength and actually make us better people, sometimes they hold us in an unhealthy stasis.
As for you living with your mom, you do not fit the stereotype. When your mom was at a low point, you came in and supported her as a son should. As a good son who cares about his family. There is no shame in that. You stepped up when it was needed and you’ve been doing a great job being there for your mom (and others). You don’t fit the criteria of the loser living in the parents basement, not at all. Don’t saddle yourself with that one, it’s not true and we all see your struggle. I respect you, and I only have a limited number of people I admire. You’re one of them.
Ah, Fear. We all have it. Sometimes I think it is just some fluke- a biological result of chemical reactions within our body that we were either created with or developed on our own as a means of survival. That fear is a basic feeling or response only made ridiculously difficult by our minds tossing things over and over again, complicating things ad infinitum. If we fear following through with “facing” our fears, then we, in a roundabout way, temporarily preserve ourselves from potential disappointment. But, in our fear driven desire to protect ourselves, we limit our exposure to life and end up disappointed anyway. We all know the verse about perfect love driving out fear, but sometimes we aren’t there emotinally enough to realize it will and does. It’s always been interesting to me that the bible itself says “Do not fear” a total of 365 times within its pages. That’s a do not fear for every day of the year.
God bless and good luck to you, Stephen.
James
Oh, Stephen,thank you for sharing.
You are not alone in your struggles with depression – it runs in our blood.
We were raised to be independent and self-reliant – good qualities, but the fact is we are human beings, too. We were not born to live our lives in isolation, but in helping each other. You have helped many, many people. Now it is your turn, and those who love you are here to help. When struggles are beyond our strength, there is wisdom in seeking out that help.
As for losing faith and finding it and losing it, I have always seen religion as a vehicle for spiritual fulfillment. It is a means to an end. Some people like Teslas and some people like Subarus, and some people would rather just walk with the Earth beneath their feet. If a belief strangles your soul, it is not fulfilling its purpose. Let it go. This is growth and happiness.
Cultivate compassion for yourself in this process. And, if you need a change of scenery, another adventure, there’s a tiny house here at Foggy Pocket with your name on it 🙂
Love,
Tish
Oh, Stephen, I had no idea the pain you’ve been going through. I can empathize with you, since I’ve gone through it many times. When I was baptized at age 19, my family turned on me. One sister didn’t speak to me for several years. My parents were bitterly opposed to my new found faith and expressed it regularly. On my mission in Brazil, I received only three letters from my parents during the two years, each one stating a death in the family and then raking me over the coals for what I was doing. When your mother divorced me, I felt totally lost and abandoned and totally alone. So I do know how you feel.
Here’s what I did that brought me immeasurable blessings. I turned to the Lord and made humble prayer a way to the comforting Spirit who helped me through my trials. I also acted myself, not just waiting for the Lord to turn it all around. When the Lord saw my dedication to Him and my efforts to meet someone who could love me, He blessed me with Cindy, a match only made in Heaven. Wherever we’ve gone and all the struggles we’ve been through (financial), we have done so hand in hand and with our hands in the hand of the Lord. Through faith in Him, He has lifted us up every time we wondered how we could possibly make it. I know the Lord loves you, Stephen, and that He will help you as you turn in total faith to Him and then act through your own agency to solve your problems. The Lord has a way of blessing your efforts with success, that you make in faith. Also, I’ve gained a lot of wisdom through daily reading of the scriptures. Through reading the scriptures daily, the Lord has been able to bless my mind in solving the problems that lie before me. I know He lives and loves you, Stephen. Just do as Alma recommended in Alma 32; it works!
Stephen, if you want to come out here for an extended visit, please feel free to do so. The weather is really nice right now. It rained most every day in February, something that has never been seen here before. And, oh, it rained today too. Our stake has a great singles branch. It can’t hurt to visit; we miss you so.
With all my love,
Dad
P.S. Cindy feels as I do and sends her love also.
Fear…it’s an integral part of daily life. It starts the moment I open my eyes in the morning and the last thing that crosses my mind before I finally fall asleep. “Am I good enough, smart enough, capable enough, patient enough, strong enough, too self-sufficient, too loud, too quiet, do I belong, will I survive, what’s wrong with me, why am I not enough, why did _____ happen, why can’t I _____, etc” all day, every day. There are days where the fear of getting out of bed is absolutely paralyzing. But, I get up and do one thing…I talk to Dad.
He is the one person that knows all of my fears, knows my soul, knows my heart, knows my desires, knows my needs, knows my past, knows my future, knows every decision I have ever made (good or bad)…and He still loves me. He still wants to be a part of my life. He loves me (and even likes me) with all of my imperfections. Why? Because I am the daughter of THE KING! You are the son of THE KING!
Living with your mom…that has been a blessing for her, for you, and for everyone whose life you have touched. You are an amazing son, a great friend, and a good man.
Dad loves you! YOU!!! The good, the bad, and the ugly. He knows you better than you do, and He still loves you! That is non-negotiable.
Losing your faith…I have been there many times. It isn’t my faith that I question or lose faith in, but the institution.
“You are smart, you are beautiful, and you are stronger than you think.”
My dear cuz. I will keep this short and sweet. I LOVE YOU, and understand exactly what you’re going through. Your sister, Tish was correct, when she said depression and mental illness runs in our family. I think we ALL suffer to some extent, I know I do. I want you to know, Stephen that you’re the most loving, and selfless person I have ever come to known. When my mom was dying, you drove out to Logan and spent everyday with me, and her, and you NEVER left her side until she took her last breath. Stephen, you are so precious. You have the biggest heart , and what you did for my mom, and your Aunt Ann will never be forgotten, EVER. I’ll never forget the two of us sitting in the waiting room after mom died, and you just supported me, and loved me unconditionally. Stephen, you were the only one there who really showed sincere compassion and love to me during that time, Thank you. ❤️ I suffer from fears and anxiety as well, Stephen, I always have, my entire life. It’s so debilitating, but I’m on some medication that has really helped me, and now I’m running a business and doing very well. If you ever want to talk, I’ll always be here for you, please know that. I love you, Stephen!
Your cousin,
Hilary.