2020-04-18 — Fallout From A Good, Bad Dream

Hola, peeps.

Good… morning. 😊

As I begin to write this journal entry, it’s 12:54 a.m. central time, and I’m exhausted. Lightning has been flashing a little bit, a few rumbles of soft thunder have been heard, the ground is just a tad wet outside, and I find myself (having just returned home from the day’s work) sitting in the recliner in my room with the portable heater blowing on me, and with my hands on these little keys, trying to come up with something meaningful for you today. Honestly, it’s been another hard day.

I guess I have a lot of those.

Yes, it was a bit challenging workwise, but nothing too significant or overbearing, really. No, today was particularly rough not so much because of what happened while at work but what happened before I even left for the day.

As I think you already know, I don’t often remember my dreams. It’s quite rare, actually. But today I woke up very aware of what I’d dreamed last night, …and I’ve been dealing with the fallout from that dream all day.

So what was such a big deal?

Well… the short of it is that in the dream, someone who has been very important to me for many years but who, a handful of years ago, decided she didn’t want to see or hear from me ever again, reconnected with me (in the dream), and we started to move forward–past the things that had been challenging us the last time we were in regular communication and more toward a future together.

This was both a good and a bad dream. It was good because it brought hope and happiness to me (in the dream) that she and I were finally overcoming the past and all the hard things and were moving forward toward a happy life together. It was bad because in order for us to reconnect and move forward the way we were in the dream, her family’s life had to be turned upside down, something that would have been extremely painful for her and all involved.

Obviously, I woke up, and none of the dream was real, and I don’t claim anything special about it. It was just a random dream as far as I’m concerned, but it was a bit of a sucker punch, honestly.

After having that dream, I found myself focusing on the next autobiographical sketch that is on the docket for me to write. My attention turned toward that sketch because I met the person in last night’s dream at the beginning of the years that this next sketch will cover, and from that time to the present, that connection with her and the fallout from what happened with her has dominated my life–to this very moment I find myself sitting here. What happened was extremely painful, I think for both of us. And for me, at least, I’ve never been able to move past what happened. It shook me to my very core, and I’ve been in broken little pieces since.

So, that dream got me thinking about that next sketch I needed to write, and then I spent several hours trying to write the sketch, recalling all those challenging memories. At first, what I wrote was extremely detailed, as honestly, I wish I could just let it all out in all its unglamorous but complete detail. But then I thought, no, you’re not just writing about your own life in a vacuum. Other people were a part of all this, and they weren’t just robots. They’re real people who deserve respect and privacy and honor.

So… then I deleted what I’d written and decided not to go with the detailed account but to try and write in more vague terms. However, I struggled there too.

Why? Part of the whole purpose of starting this blog was to be completely transparent. To let it all hang out in its raw totality.

Well, that’s all well and good, but what happens when other people’s privacy, and the intimate details of their lives will be made public as well? If it were just me and life full of robots, I’d lay everything bare. But it’s not me and a bunch of robots. It’s me and real people. Good people. People with kind, sensitive hearts.

So… I stopped writing the sketch altogether, though by that time, I was already melancholic and discouraged. Having failed my attempts today to write the sketch, I attempted to write a journal entry about why I was having such a hard time today, but that didn’t go so well either, for pretty much the same reasons.

I imagine I’m not making that much sense right now. I’m literally falling asleep as I’m writing this, much like I was the other night.

Anyway, that’s what made the day tough. It started out with reminders of painful days long past that still haunt me every day in the present because I’ve never come to terms with what happened. Then, trying to write about those days, I dredged it all up again to the point that I was fighting off tears multiple times.

So… I was sad, discouraged, a little depressed, a little dejected, etc. today. And here I am now trying to write something meaningful while I’m literally dozing off seemingly with each sentence that I write. Makes it hard to make any sense. I hope there’s some sense in it.

If not, I’m sorry if this is disjointed.

I better get to gratitude before I crash for the last time and don’t finish at all!

#1. 13, 21, and 12. That’s 13 days sans buying new junk food. 21 days straight writing in this blog journal thing, and 12 days clean and sober from my porn/sex addiction. I’m grateful for that. I’ve had some rough days lately, and to stay sober through them is a bright spot.

#2. I”m grateful that my tech was eventually able to get the Aztec job finished. It turned into a huge mess, and I’m just grateful it didn’t get bigger than it ended up being.

#3. I’m grateful to have the strength and determination to write a journal entry when it’s… well, now it’s 1:40 a.m., and I’m just wasted tired… beyond exhausted.

#4. I’m grateful that I was able to make a good amount of money yet again today. It’s been a tough week, but I’ve made a really good amount of money. That’s helping me get back on my feet a bit.

$5. I’m grateful that I have family to call when I’m struggling with the things I wrote about in this journal entry.

Good night, folks. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense. I wrote and wrote and wrote today, but in the end, I got rid of all of it and just wrote whatever this turns out to be. I hope it’s beneficial to you in some way.

Loves and hugs to all of you. 😊

~ s