2020-04-22 — Self Medication

I’ve been used to having various things to self medicate when things are going less than how I want them to be (which tends to be most of the time over the last handful of years). Sweets, porn, TV, movies, sports news, regular news…

Well, I’m jonesing… badly, and my self medication aisle is roped off with warning signs all over it. I could go under the rope and grab what I want, but… then I’d have to face y’all. I even, briefly, thought to myself… so what, so I relapse and have to report myself. So what.

Then I thought… “If you do it, you’ll just keep doing it. Having an audience won’t be the deterrant it is currently.

So… I’m still clean right now. Barely. I’m jonesing. Today was… a good day in that way, and I didn’t appreciate how good it was for me at all. It was perfect for teaching me patience and giving the benefit of the doubt–perfect for giving me an opportunity to feel empathy.

Well… I failed miserably today. I spent from about 9 to about 5 working in the storm trying to fix a car that one of my techs didn’t finish. When I got there, not only did I find that he didn’t finish, I found that he royally screwed up the job. I mean… it was awful. I’m shocked how something could be done that badly. It was worse than a bad YouTube mechanic. I was sooooooo angry with him. What I have to figure out is if it’s simply incompetence, or if it’s just laziness, or carelessness, or what, but this is a huge deal. I can’t have this from mechanics.

Man… good help is soooooooo hard to find. Why can’t people just take pride in what they do? Why can’t they take proper care of customers? Why do people skip corners to make a buck and leave the customer out in the cold and my reputation out in the cold?

Ugh… can you tell I’m still frustrated about this? Ugh.

Ugh!!!!!

(sigh)

I wasted my whole day re-doing a job for free for someone who’s been waiting for my mechanic to return for a month, and I had no idea. Then… I have to go finish it. Fix it. Spend my whole day for free, and it’s still not done. When all is said and done, his screw ups will end up costing me probably around $1000 or more.

Ugh.

Win some. Lose some.

Move on.

Anyway, now you know why I brought up self medication. I came home wet and uncomfortable, angry, and… ugh. I wanted to self medicate, badly. No sweets. Was sorely tempted by porn. Finally watched a movie (one of the Transformers ones on Prime).

I did end up self medicating after all… but at least it wasn’t porn. If I make it through the night, it’ll be 16 days on that one. We’re sitting at 17 (no candy), 25 (straight days writing in my journal), and 16 (days free of porn).

I’d like to get the TV and movie thing out of there again as well. I know I’m repeating myself, but… for any who don’t know… I used to pretty much have all TV and movies cut out of my life. I used to not really waste any of my time at all with anything that wasn’t in some way beneficial to somebody somewhere. I spent a lot more time serving, helping, visiting older people, etc.

Now… I escape away into random stories of fictional people’s lives. I wanna get away from that again… I have one life to live. I’ve gotta get past this crap that I’m afraid to face. I’ve gotta get past the pain. How much of my one life am I gonna waste in this useless life-sucking junk?

I’ve gotta make plans for how I’m gonna fill that time now, though. Without a plan, regress, not progress. I’ll devolve, not evolve. Cut out the crap, but must have something to fill the void, or I’ll fill it with something that’s at best a waste of time and at worst harmful to self and/or others.

Gotta fight. Don’t wanna stay down. I’m on the mat, struggling to get up. Part of me just wants to give up and stay down. In some ways, it would be easier.

Part of me wants to get up and never give up.

But it’s so hard. I fought the bring it on battle for so long.

So long.

And the universe brought it on. Wave after wave after wave.

Just like I asked.

I stood against it, and I got bruised, but I fought still. I got my ribs cracked, but still I held firm; I got hammered upon from nearly every direction, but I battled, bleeding, exhausted; I wouldn’t budge, I even pushed back. With every last ounce of strength, I advanced, and then I…

…got my legs taken out at the knees and the wind knocked out of me… I couldn’t move. I couldnt breathe; but the blows didn’t come from the foe in front. It come from the friend behind.

Why?

Oh why?

And so I fear. I don’t know where to turn. I’m starting at the very beginning. But I’m afraid to even start there, so I run. And when life is hard, I medicate. And life is hard, so… I medicate nearly all the time, with something. The pill I turn to most often is work. How can I think about the hardest parts of my life, the most painful and fearful, when I’m totally swamped with other painful and fearful things that I’ve made externally more pressing by my own choices?

It’s a pretty good avoidance technique, huh?

Anyway… not sure where I’m going with all this… just cathartic blather, I guess. A mind dump, thrown up all over you wonderful people who support my weak efforts.

I appreciate you. Thanks, for standing with me.

And with that… probably about time that I get my gratitude on and try to kick this other stuff to the curb.

1. I’m grateful that I’m clean from porn today. It was hard today. It came at me again and again and again. Movies are a trigger, and though I deliberately chose one that wasn’t gonna have nude scenes in it, still… the girl of course has her chest hanging out of her shirt and her skin tight clothes. Not helpful for someone like me. But I’m clean today.
2. I’m grateful that I can at least recognize, in the middle of my crap, that a bad day is still a good day, and that if I’m ever gonna learn to smile through the hardest of the hard things, I have to have practice along the way.
3. I’m grateful that I am making more and more progress. Remind me, and I’ll post my mountain climbing parable. It’s a perfect one for me to remember today when it feels like progress is nil.
4. I’m grateful that the work vehicle I’m borrowing is still going strong right now. I’d be in a world of hurt without it.
5. I’m grateful that I can rest now. It’s going to be an insanely busy workday tomorrow.

Good night, wonderful people. I hope that my rantings are uplifting to you in some way.

Lift the world.

~ s