2020-04-23 — Decisions Decisions

I’m teetering.

I’m not quite ready to jump ship on my business altogether and dive headfirst into the humanitarian work I want to do, but I am this close to hanging up my wrenches, personally, and not working on another car until I’ve worked through these issues that are holding me back–these things that I fear so much.

I’ve said the following over and over and over again, but doesn’t it bear repeating until I just overcome it?!?! How much of my life am I going to waste before I choose to fully utilize the potential I have to make a bigger difference than I am?

I have one life. Not 50, not 20, not 10, not even two.

One.

The end.

Two different experiences I had today inspired this opening rant. The first was a conversation I had with someone I’ve only met once but have had a few conversations with over the phone and who is concerned for me and wants to help me. He wanted to talk to me today because he wants to help me through it all, and he knows that there’s a collection of experiences that I’ve agonized over for five or so years now. He knows that I felt I received some very clear revelations from god, and that they were the most powerful spiritual experiences of my life. He knows that I followed the direction I received during those experiences as best I could for years and years. I believe he knows that I did so even when I didn’t know if I even wanted what I felt god was asking me to do/telling me was going to happen. He knows that I sacrificed and sacrificed and gave up things I wanted badly in order to follow the direction I felt god had given me. He knows that in the end (and I would add now, right when it looked like it was finally all proving itself true, that it was all going to come to pass exactly as foretold), that it all fell apart. He knows that those experiences combined to get me to question my faith, the very existence of a god, all that.

Since I’m not one to hide my feelings or life from people, except those things that could cause discomfort or pain for others who were party to the same experiences or things I feel are sacred between me and god, I was happy to share with him what I felt I could without betraying the god I’m not even sure exists or the other parties involved…

After sharing things in vague details but capturing the gist of the sentiment and principles, he commented about what I’d shared, and his response surprised me a little bit. His response was that he had no doubt that I hadn’t misunderstand. He had no doubt that the revelations I felt I’d received were true and real.

!

It gave me pause a little bit because I think he’s probably one of the most Christlike people on the planet, so his perspective carries a little more weight with me than perhaps others’ might. I still am not one to just blindly follow or agree, but it certainly gave me pause.

Hence why I’m cogitating upon these things in this journal entry right now and am a bit more motivated to go back and face my fears and dig in yet again in an effort to figure it all out.

His thoughts were that what I’d experienced was clearly from god and that satan managed to get in and destroy it. He (satan) won that round. The end. From here, it was up to me to move on, and to figure out if it fell apart because of something I did or what.

I’ll probably write about this in more detail in that next autobiographical sketch I have to write. I think I have a better beat on how to handle it all respectfully to all parties, although it’s still going to be a major challenge (and that’s an understatement).

Anyway, I won’t go into why he felt how he felt here. Perhaps another time. It’s late (10:47 p.m.), and I’m tired and need to finish the rest of the day up. Suffice it to say, that conversation gave me pause, has me pondering all these things again, and is motivating me to more quickly get my crap together, so to speak.

The other experience I had that was motivating for me came while working on the second car of the day. It was owned by a young college kid, and we got to talking. He and I are very similar, wanting to make a difference for good in the world. We talked for probably 2 hours or more. It was motivating to me to find a young man whose goals are very similar to mine in terms of wanting to help bring people together on common values, etc.

That was cool. I’m gonna keep his number, and when I get a little more organized, get things a little more off the ground, I’m gonna probably give him a ring and invite him to join the effort.

Cool.

Well, here’s a brief chronological summary:

1. Got up early and went to car one, sending my tech to his car one at the same time.
2. Tried to get parts from the junk yard for another customer after that.
3. Found out that my last employee isn’t going to be coming back to work with me after this Covid stuff passes.
4. Chatted with that gentleman I mentioned.
5. Did my second car and had that conversation with that young man.
6. Went back to my first car of the day (reprise) and got an elderly lady taken care of.
7. Went home.

Am here.

Sooooo… gratitude…

#1. I’m grateful that though the day had a fairly rough start to it, it had a much happier, slower, less stressful, and more hopeful ending.

#2. I’m grateful that I had those good, inspiring, motivating conversations.

#3. I’m grateful to be a little closer to making that leap. Ever closer. Ever closer.

#4. I’m grateful to feel a little more motivation and determination to face my fears, to dig into what I really need to dig into.

#5. I’m grateful that I have this medium to share with others. I hope each post provides you the reader with something that gives you a little bit of pause or encouragement or inspiration, or motivation, or comfort…

Perhaps you can send happy thoughts my way, or if a praying person, prayers as well. Perhaps you can help nudge me over the edge to face these fears and to finally let go and go make a bigger difference.

Perhaps it’s finally time. Perhaps I’m finally ready.

We’ll see.

Once again, I’m falling asleep while writing (I nodded off in the middle of writing those last few words).

Good night, neverland.

Lift the world.

~ s

p.s. 18, 26, 17