2020-06-29 — Ups & Downs During the Dog Days of Summer

Hello, beautiful people. 😊

Not only has summer officially started according to the calendar, it has now officially broken out of its spring hibernation to its full force as well. For at least the next 10 days, we’ll be smack dab in the middle of the dog days–nothing below 90s as highs (and keep in mind that’s Arkansas 90s, which is… ugh… hot hot hot and sticky.).

😬

I walked to the front door about 30 minutes ago (about 11 p.m.) and the rain that came today (sorely needed after a couple weeks of nothing and the grass burning up because of it) the rain brought in super high, sauna-level humidity that hit like a wave as I opened the front door.

😶

I have to smile a little bit, though, because I didn’t really have to deal with the uncomfortable weather today. Why? I… uh… well… I chose to play hooky today. 😁

Sure I still worked. There’s not really a day that goes by that I don’t work in some way to keep my business going, but I didn’t leave the property. I was just like… nope. Not today. I’m staying home.

I liked staying home on a Monday.

A lot. 😊

Though I enjoyed staying home, it was still a tough day in some regards. I woke up this morning feeling quite low, and I’ve returned to that place as I write today’s journal entry–tears running down my face as I write. It’s been a while since I’ve had these types of tears–the ones that come from a sense of profound loss.

It’s time for me to move on.

I just… I don’t know how. Part of me wants to keep holding on, keep waiting, keep trusting that all will turn out as I’d originally understood it with that life-altering experience I’ve written so much about but in vague terms for others’ sake. Those (to hold on, wait, and trust) were actually the last bits of guidance I felt I received from god before I lost my trust in him and the lines of communication between us went dark after having been so clear and so bright and so frequent for so long. “Trust the promises. No matter what appears to be the situation on the outside, trust the promises” & “Continue to wait…”

But I can’t anymore. Yes, I know full well that even now everything that’s happening could be an answer to what I asked him to do for me every day, what I asked him to make of me. I asked to be tested to my absolute limits. I asked for the experiences that would give me perfect faith. I asked for the experiences that would change me into a being of pure light and pure love. And everything that has happened could just be answers to those pleas… I know full well that I was happiest in my life when I followed all those promises that I understood to be true. I was happiest, I was most loving, most caring, most… all of the good character traits… back then.

But it became too much after everything came crashing down a few years back. I’m broken now, so completely broken.

I need something from him, something that is absolutely unmistakable. I can’t give my everything like that again only to have my whole world come crashing down again. I can’t do it. I can’t keep holding on. I can’t keep waiting, and I just don’t trust anymore.

That’s not to say I never will again… If there is a god, he and I both know without any doubt that my heart is good. He and I both know that in spite of my many failings, love is who I am. He and I both know that if he is also love (and a much better version of it than I), then I will support him with everything I am, but that if he’s not, he doesn’t deserve to be god, and I’d fight to replace him with someone who is love.

If he wants anything from me right now that I’m not already doing, or if he wants me to keep following what appears to be the most ridiculous of all courses now, then I need something more from him right now, and until I get it, I can’t trust those promises anymore. How can I?

And so… I’m moving on. I’m starting over, starting fresh. I’ll remain open to everything, even going back, even trusting again, even trusting those same things again. I will not close myself to any possibility, but neither will I hold on anymore.

Tabula Rasa, or as close as I can come, at least. A fresh start.

#1. I’m grateful to have taken some time slow down again today, taking time to prune the many rose bushes. The job isn’t completely done, but it’s mostly done. It’s good to slow down, to feel the slowness, the gentleness

#2. I’m grateful that my nephew is interested in helping with the Modern American project. This could be really amazing, truly transformative for the whole world. I know I’m naive and dream big, but I’m not gonna stop. I’m gonna gift my life to the world in the hopes of making as big an impact for good as I can. What can one person do? I believe that one person can do a lot.

#3. I’m grateful to have reconnected with an old friend of mine. Years ago I taught at a private school in Utah and became close friends with a couple of my coworkers, I reconnected with one of them today. Wonderful lady. I found out that she’d retired last year but is still as busy as ever lifting the world in her wonderful way.

#4. I’m grateful that I did my exercise in the morning again today, so it’s not hanging over my head right now. It’s once again after 1 a.m. Today’s journal entry has taken hours for me to write… deleting and rewriting and finally… well, I don’t know what it says at this point. I’m too tired to revise anymore, so I’m grateful I ran in the morning because it could be even worse otherwise.

#5. I’m grateful to know who I am. Despite the roller-coaster nature of my life and emotions and actions, positive and negative, who I am is who I am, and though the weather on a given day might not reflect the general climate, I am love. That’s my climate. That’s who I am, and I’m grateful to know that.

Folks, I hope none of this comes across in any offensive or arrogant manner. It’s just my heart, such as it is.

Warmest loves and hugs, 😊

Lift the World.

~ stephen