2020-06-30 — Out of Ashes, the Phoenix Rises

Hi, peeps. 😊

As I think about each of you… perhaps reading this after a long day, I truly hope you had a beautiful Tuesday, filled with smiles and peace. I know we don’t have those days every day, and I’m glad we don’t, honestly, but I hope you had one today; and if you didn’t, here’s a long, virtual hug from your friendly neighborhood Stephen, specifically for you. Just close your eyes, and receive. 😊

Doesn’t that feel good?

I feel like Bob Ross. 🙃

Still, loves and hugs to each of you. 😊

Life can be so beautiful. Of course, it can also be hard, as yesterday morning and last night were for me. But light feels brighter after darkness. And I appreciate it so much more when it’s juxtaposed with its opposite.

Speaking of brighter, for most of the day, I’ve felt a bit brighter, lighter than yesterday–pretty much as normal today, actually. I think having a very busy work day today and having to stay on top of it was a big help in that regard, keeping me focused elsewhere, so I don’t dwell on hurts.

Honestly, right now, I feel a measure of peace for myself because I know I’m going to be okay. I don’t have answers, and I don’t do well at all without understanding, without closure. And moving on, as I mentioned I was going to do, will probably be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. It could be the hardest. As naive as I sometimes am, I’m not naive about that. I know me, so I know that I have no idea how I’ll move on without answers. It will be an emotional and spiritual exertion for the ages… for me, at least.

But I’ll still be okay because you know what? It’s not about me anyway. It’s about what I can do to be a blessing to others, to lift the world. And that’s, I think, a good bit why I’m not hurting so much today. Yesterday, I was selfishly more focused on my pain and my struggles and my loss and my unanswered questions (lots of questions), and I was (and still am, honestly) afraid to move on without the answers, because if I don’t know what went wrong in this experience, how do I prevent it next time? The thought of going through something like this all over again… there aren’t words.

But… it’s not about me. 😊

Today, I’m looking more outward. I’m more concerned for one of the other people who went through this great and challenging learning experience with me, and my own weights are lighter when I’m looking outward with concern and love instead of inward while in pain. And that other person who’s on my mind today? I have not a hint of a doubt that that person is more concerned for my well being than for self. Why? Because that person is a gem to the very core and always will be. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever. None. And yet, I know their soul is sensitive–very sensitive, so I wish for them peace and comfort and light and love and happiness today.

In fact, as hard as that experience has been for me, I still believe that those involved are all solidly good people, and as I put fingers to keys in this very moment, I have not a single negative feeling or wish toward any of the people involved, even the ones who shared things that weren’t true. If I were to see any of them, I’d just want to give them a hug and catch up and forget about this whole mess–water under the bridge. I’d say, “Let’s go get food!” Or “Let’s go have a little adventure, for old times sake–all of us together. Let’s go!” And we’d smile and laugh and enjoy each other’s company. And the pain? The heartache? the Heartbreak? Let it all melt away. And when our time together was done, I’d say, “Go, go live your lives, just as you are now. Be happy. Move forward. Follow your heart. I will always support you following your heart. And don’t worry. One day we’ll get together again, and we’ll again laugh and tell stories, and catch each other up, and then we’ll go have an adventure again. And then we’ll again go our separate ways. Together again, apart again, together again, apart again, like family, and on and on into eternity.

Well, that was a fun side trip wasn’t it? 🙃

Anyway, for the here and now, the question for little me is: Where do I get the courage to go forward, to let go, to move on without answers.

That’s the kicker–moving on without answers.

Moving on with answers? That would be so much easier because I’m not married to any outcome. I honestly am fine with where everyone who was a part of that experience is at right now. Why? Because I never asked for or sought out or expected or wanted the course I felt directed to follow anyway. I was even apprehensive of it and had to learn to want it. I felt right about it–for sure, a conviction as strong as anything I’ve ever known of that nature. But not married to outcomes. I just wish for answers. Sure it’s not all as simple as that, I’ve lost years and years of my life to this, but being okay with where things are at, as long as I have the answers? That’s… pretty accurate.

And without them (answers)? I’m sure I’ll fear a great deal, and then I’ll get over it for a time, and then I’ll fear some more, and then I’ll get over it for a time. But if I choose to live a life of love and service, concerns for self will melt away.

And in the meantime, while I work to become that kind of person (one who’s become love and service to the core), I know the journey of letting go without answers will be a messy slog, up and down, day in, day out, filled with the gamut of emotions. And some days I’ll lose all perspective, and I’ll sulk and turn inward and cry “why me?” “Why, when I gave everything!?!?” “Why didn’t you just tell me to go another way, for all our sakes!?!?”

And then I’ll climb out of the basement of selfishness, and I’ll get back to loving and serving. And one day, when the purifying fire has consumed all and left but ashes, out of the ashes, I, like the phoenix, will rise. Free. At peace. Full of love.

Boy, I can be cheesy. 🙃

Well, on that note, it’s 1:05, and it’s been a long day, and it’ll be an early morning with the exterminator guy coming at 7 and some poor customer calling me over and over again right now.

Ugh… it’s 1 a.m., people! I can’t be there for you 24/7.

(sigh)

#1. I’m grateful to have had plenty of work for my tech today. There was enough for him, me, and my helper today. That was good.

#2. I’m grateful to have the capacity to write. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with writing over the years. As a perfectionist, it could take ages for me to write a paper. Writing a journal in public like this, I can’t be a perfectionist. I don’t have time to be. But perfect or imperfect, I’m grateful that writing has been a part of my life to this point and that I am able to do so fairly decently.

#3. I’m grateful for lighter days.

#4. I’m grateful, again today, that I ran in the morning, so I don’t have to at the end of a long day.

#5. I’m grateful for baby carrots. I love those little things. 😊

#6. I’m grateful for genuinely good people, people who’s hearts are gold, like the person I mentioned earlier. People like my family members as well. The world is lifted by you all. Thank you.

With that, I bid you farewell. Until tomorrow. May you rest in peace. 

Loves and another big, long hug for you. 😊

Lift the World.

~ stephen