2020-07-15 — Thoroughly Wasted

Hey folks,

Happy Wednesday evening.

It’s been a rough one for me in the ongoing saga of working through all these old things with my old friend. I wasn’t going to write about it much anymore, but… this is my life. It’s been my whole world for so long… how do I not?

I imagine it probably seems pretty odd from the outside… two weeks straight of working through old history, many hours a day with an old friend.

Well… yeah… I guess it is pretty odd. As I’ve said before, it’s beautiful and hard. We went back and forth, each breaking in turn, it seemed, the first handful of days. Then we seemed to get into a rhythm with no one really breaking, just learning for several days it seemed, unless my memory fails me. But the breaking has returned, and today I’m broken.

I broke into a million pieces twice over today, actually–the second time of my own making, having misunderstood something, and as a result, believing something to be true that wasn’t certain. That misunderstanding just… dissolved me into a helpless puddle of tears and agony for a good little while–at the top with some of the most emotionally painful moments of my life.

So… yeah, it’s been a hard day. A very very hard day. My hope has taken a pretty stiff kick in the face, and I’m struggling quite a bit. I had a brief up earlier today, but I find myself latching onto whatever I can hold onto to have hope, even the littlest glimmer.

I’m just so thoroughly wasted. So worn out. So beaten down. And two weeks of lack of sleep and nutrition is not helping. I’ve lost more than 10 lbs now in the last two weeks.

And I have so much left that I personally need to work through, even once this little experience together is over. I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t have the emotional energy. I’m just so thoroughly wasted. It’s been emotionally overwhelming for so many years, and now, when I finally felt hope, the breaking and near shattering of it again has me in pieces. I’m not sure how or where I’ll get the strength to continue the only road available to walk–the one that goes through. I can’t do it, and yet, there’s no other choice.

Along with the significant emotional depletion, I was wasted from being up way late again last night, and then things went south in the work day, and I ended up running out to get people taken care of. It was nasty hot, and I was on 3 hours of sleep. I lost my cool a couple times with one of the cars, but I didn’t swear, so… that’s in tact. Not even a flier. I don’t even remember the last flier I had. I would assume a handful of weeks ago.

Anyway, I’m still going strong in everything but exercise. Until this is all done, and I actually have reduced my stress level enough to eat properly, I’m probably not going to exercise, honestly. I’m completely wasted, so it’s not gonna be good for my body, I wouldn’t think, to go exercise when I’m already so depleted.

#1. I’m grateful I was able to get another starter today for one of the cars that needed to be done, since David was running late, had the needed part, and wasn’t gonna be there in time. I ended up getting another starter and doing the job for him.

#2. I’m grateful that I was only a bit uncomfortable working out in the sun and sweat with my rash leftovers.

#3. I’m grateful that I am more willing to say no to customers now, taking time off (I’m taking tomorrow off, other than to answer phones, give quotes, and schedule… which is still a lot of work… but it’s different).

#4. I’m grateful that I was able to get the belt back on a car that was just… insanely poorly engineered I mean… a four cylinder car with 8 pulleys, I believe it was. Wow. It was such a pain to get the belt on. Glad I was able.

#5. I’m grateful to be going to bed now.

Cross your fingers for me that I don’t get any secondary exposure (actually probably tertiary or quaternary exposure by this point) with the poison ivy. I worked, which means I was in the Durango all day and using my poison-ivy covered tools. Hopefully, I only get little minor things here and there, if anything.

Good night, folks. I hope y’all have had better days than I.

Lift the World.

~ stephen