2020-07-17 — A Conversation About Fear

Hey peeps,

I’m pretty sure I’ve spent some time on at least one of my posts talking in depth about how big of an issue fear is in my life, how much it has paralyzed me for so many years in so many things.

Not surprisingly, then, fear has been perhaps the most dominant emotion of this whole experience I’ve been going through for more than two weeks now. Sure there’s some sadness, too; and sometimes I feel like I’ve done something wrong and want to clean it up; But the primary emotion of any negative sort (there are plenty of positive, happy ones as well) is fear.

Why have I lost 10+ pounds in the last couple weeks? (I looked in the mirror today, and I was like… whoah.)?

Fear.

When I’m anxious, I can’t eat. Plain and simple. I’m not hungry. Nothing sounds good. I have to force feed myself, which is… awful. I just… don’t want to eat.

Why am I sometimes paralyzed, unable to do the normal daily tasks of life, barely able to breathe, and on a few occasions literally hyperventilating?

Fear.

Why do I periodically crumble into a sobbing mess?

Fear.

And the word itself doesn’t really do the feeling justice. There are so many nuances. The levels range from mild anxiety to absolute terror. I’ve never had an anxiety/panic attack, but I can imagine what they’re like.

Anyway… I bring this up today mainly because at the end of an earlier conversation today with my friend, I mentioned how fear was keeping me from really being able to be open to getting answers about what we’ve been working through. As soon as I said it, the response was “Then stop being afraid.”

In a literal instant, I crumbled into a sobbing mess. It was lightning fast, like being hit over the head with a hammer. At first, I was hurt so badly. My friend knew how hard all this was for me, how hard it had been for so long.

We had to end our conversation only a few seconds later, and I found myself just crumbled. Then the words of a church speaker came to my mind, talking about a people in the middle of what could have been a very scary situation. The phrase was “they hushed their fears.”

I think I realized in that moment that I’d been letting my fear control me instead of putting it in its place. When I realized that, I made an effort to “hush” my fears, and it worked. It wasn’t perfect, but very quickly I was able to regain control of myself, and actual start to stop being afraid.

For the rest of the day today, I’ve been pretty good. There’s been a tiny underlying anxiety that I can feel wanting to well up, but I won’t let it.

Like was mentioned by one of my readers yesterday that I echoed, I can’t put my hope in outcomes. I’m not in control of outcomes. I do what I can to improve myself and try to lift the world, and I let the outcomes be whatever they are.

Success is measured, not in the outcomes, but in the heart.

So… that’s one of the things on my list to do. It’s been on there for years… I’m gonna stop basing my happiness on outcomes, and I’m gonna start facing my fears, one by one, until they’re all permanently silenced.

I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. I want to say that I might even have started making a list of the things I’m most afraid of with the intention doing just what I said. That would have been years ago now, though, so I don’t think I’ll even bother looking or it. I probably have it as a Word doc somewhere on my external drive. Though it might be interesting to look at for comparison’s sake when I create the new one.

I’m probably going to write out the list here on this blog, as I think this is one of the most powerful and valuable things I can share. Our fears are often what make us feel most vulnerable. May we be vulnerable (within reason and safety).

Anyway, it’s been an interesting day. I had a few different conversations with my friend today, continuing the journey. My emotions were all over the place, from feeling early this morning like I’d done wrong, feeling guilty/dirty whatever for some of the things I’d said to my friend. I was able to work through that today and stop worrying about it. I felt super anxious at times. I was angry for a little while. I was sad for a little while. I was happy for a little while. I was at relative peace more so today than the previous two combined, I think, all thanks to my friend being willing to hit me hard in the gut when I needed it, even though there was no desire to hurt, just a desire to help. It did help.

It’s been really hot and nasty here in Arkansas lately. I sent my tech home for heat issues yesterday, and I sent him home early again today. Health first.

I say that, but I’m so bad at taking care of myself. I want to take care of others, help them overcome their pains, medical issues, etc., but I don’t spend much time on myself.

That’s not good. As one of my readers I think mentioned to me, I should take care of me like I take care of others. That’s soooo hard.

I know someone right now who’s been dealing with chronic abdominal pain for… what… 12 years? Back then I think it only happened occasionally, but now… it’s a daily issue. Doctors and doctors and doctors… nobody can find anything, so of course that means it’s all in her head, they say. I want to figure it out. I know how long it took me to figure out my pudendal neuralgia issue. It wasn’t even a condition people really knew existed when I first started having issues with it. No one could figure me out either. I spent who knows how long researching before I finally found the cause, self diagnosed, and flew myself out to a specialist (who still couldn’t fix the issue but at least confirmed the diagnosis).

I want to figure this one out, too. I’m going to. One day. I’m going to. I’ve got a connection at the Mayo Clinic, so maybe I’ll call in a favor. We’ll see…

Anyway, it’s been nice, again, to be at home, especially in this heat, instead of out working on cars. I’m growing rather used to it. My tech said he might know someone interested in a job, so I might get another mechanic, too. I’m not holding my breath, but that would be nice. I also had someone all me today asking if I was hiring, and I told him to send me a resume. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, by way of accountability, I’ve been writing in my journal every day since March 29th, I think. I haven’t missed a day. There are days where it probably would have made sense to skip, but the last time I skipped a day, it turned into like… three years, I think. So… I try not to let myself skip a day. Having my journal online, though, helps, because I know y’all are reading it.

What else… it’s been more than 3 months since I’ve looked at porn, and… I don’t miss it or want it or crave it or need it or anything. It’s like, shrug my shoulders, who cares about it.

It’s so nice.

It’s been 2 1/2 month since I stopped watching TV and movies and paying attention to sports. You know… every time I do this… I’m so glad I did. Soooooo glad I did. It might seem restrictive, but it’s so freeing. So freeing.

Uh… I’ve been listening less and less to my normal music and have been listening more and more to silence or soothing stuff. I’m not gonna say I don’t like the other stuff, but… there’s a part of my soul that just hungers for quiet soothing, while I still enjoy the fun an the nostalgic.

I’m getting closer to being ready to add my morning meditation time as a daily tracked routine. I’m not quite there yet, but in a few days, I think I will be. I’ve done it… what… two of the last three days as my first-thing-in-the-morning thing, but today I took some more steps that will make it easier to get up and get centered right away instead of getting up and finding myself 0-100 mph right into the things of the work day.

Well, folks, I’m gonna sign off for tonight. Oh! Wait!

#1. I’m grateful that I actually had enough peace today after practicing “hushing” my fears that I was able to eat a sandwich for dinner. I know that might sound a little pathetic, but… it was nice. I was actually hungry. My stomach has shrunk quite a bit through this. I’m filling up easily, so one sandwich was about good, but I ate a sandwich, had a double protein shake, and now I’ll have some water and go to bed.

#2. I’m grateful to my friend for being willing to say what would hurt me in order to help me.

#3. I’m grateful to be able to learn and grow and progress.

#4. I’m grateful that pain eases, fear passes, and darkness eventually turns to light.

#5. I’m grateful to be getting to bed earlier than I have in a long while. It’s still after 1 a.m., but it’s before 5 a.m. 🙂

Good night, my lovelies. Thanks, for all our love, encouragement, and support. I’ll get y’all a list of my fears here soon, and perhaps we can journey together in overcoming our fears.

Lift the World.

~ stephen