2020-07-22 — Sooner Than Expected

Hey, folks,

Yesterday, I wrote about what I fear more than anything in the whole world.

Today, sooner than expected, I find myself staring that fear square in the face. I know that doesn’t make any logical sense whatsoever to anyone who’s not privy to all the ins and outs of what’s been going on in my life for the last many years now, but if you can just be willing to accept what I write here at face value, it is true.

I am truly, as I write this, face to face with that biggest of all my fears, and this confrontation isn’t going to go away any time soon either. If I let it, it will grind me to powder, destroy everything I am. My other choice is to meet it, choose to be willing to accept the possibility and all of its ramifications, let it go, and focus only on what I can control.

I’m sorry if this is repetitive from yesterday.

It’s just that it’s right here, right now, in my face. And I’m fighting it–now. I’m trying to kick the fear out. I’ve been able to do so at various levels of success throughout the day today, but it’s hammering, and it’s relentless.

In the past, I’ve thought about just playing every single one of my fears out to their absolute worst, envisioning life beyond, and accepting it and moving beyond the fear. As I think about it now, I’d still do the same thing, but I’d add to the part about envisioning the life beyond the act of looking for the beauty in that life, and moving forward focusing on the beauty that can be found in it still.

I’m taking tomorrow off work again (I’ll still answer phones, but I’m not going to be working on cars). I’m going to spend some time tomorrow facing this fear, working through it, all its ramifications in my life should it come to pass, all the pains and hurts I’ll face, but also all the beauties of life that will still be available to me, what I’ll still be able to do to lift the world and be a blessing to others.

I will conquer this fear. I will not let it rule me or drag me down. I will face it. Fight it. And overcome it.

I will. Count on that.

So… there you go. That’s what’s most present in front of my face right now. As far as the rest of the day is concerned, I worked on two cars, only charged for one of them. Had to give the bad news to the first that their motor was completely shot. It had zero compression on three out of 4 cylinders. It was toast.

Then I went and looked at another car, and I did it as a freebie. They’re a used car lot, and I wanted some good will for future business. They’ve had us look at three cars now, and I wasn’t sure what was wrong with the car 100% anyway, just that the engine battery tested bad. I think the hybrid battery pack might be bad as well, but I’m not sure on that one, so it just seemed right not to charge, given all the circumstances.

My tech busted is butt for me today, staying out way later than I expected or required to do a long job as the last job of the day. I’m going to pay him extra for all he did for me today.

Other than that, honestly, I’ve been battling this fear most of the day. The day started off so cheerfully, but it turned hard fast, and I’ve been battling ever since–to the point of not being able to function at times.

Obviously, I’m functional at the moment, and miraculously, I was able to eat dinner again tonight. I’m still not getting enough of what my body needs, but it’s a lot better than what I had been getting.

I did take a nice hour-or-so nap. I was trying to focus on something that was super important to me, but my body was just… done. So I slept a little, with my phone on next to my ear, so I’d wake up to a message from my tech or anyone else.

It was a hard nap, though. I’d wake up afraid, I think. Wanting to fall back asleep and escape. Something like that, I think. I don’t remember for sure, honestly, so maybe I shouldn’t write any of that…

But here I am. It’s 12:03 a.m. Central time, and I’m less anxious than I was. I’m still tired. I’m still vulnerable. I still have fear knocking on my door, but I’m fighting, and I’ll win.

Thank you, as always, for your support and encouragement. I used to always say “bring it on.” I’m a little more timid at the moment… Perhaps I’ll get there again, but I’m feeling quite weak and emotionally far spent… and the thought of another ocean to swim or mountain to climb is overwhelming to me. But I will swim if I must. And I will climb if required. I don’t know where I’ll get the strength, but I’ll move forward.

#1. I’m grateful to have had an uninterrupted, I think maybe an hour or so, period of time to nap.

#2. I’m grateful for my friend who’s been there for me today during some very weak times for me emotionally.

#3. I’m grateful that I was able to eat tonight and give my body what it needs, or at least most of it. I’m still gonna make another shake tonight to get more calories and hydration.

#4. I’m grateful that I have this opportunity to face my fears. I do want to become the best person I can be, and you don’t get there floating through life on a magic carpet. To grow, I have to be stretched. I have to have my mettle tested. So… I’m grateful to have my mettle tested, both so that I can grow stronger, and also so I can see myself grow stronger, know better who I am and what I’m capable of, so I can better trust my capacity and resolve.

#5. I’m grateful to be more actively moving forward in becoming who I want to become. I’ve been floating along for so long, and only since I started this blog have I really been getting moving.

Well, my friends. Forward.

Lift the World

~ stephen