Today has been bittersweet.
I was able to spend most of my waking day in conversation with my dear friend. Our time together filled me up and calmed my soul. It was a beautiful day.
The hard part is knowing that tomorrow is our “goodbye” of sorts. It’s been three weeks to the day today (in about 20 minutes, at 11:11 p.m. her time, according to the time stamp on my phone), I believe, since we reconnected after years of… absence. And tomorrow we’ll say goodbye again, not permanently, but moving away from the type of connection we’ve enjoyed over the last three weeks. Now that we’ve worked through what needed to be worked through, she will put her focus forward and move forward with her own life, and I will do the same.
And it’s going to be very hard for both of us.
I’m sure I’ll write more about it tomorrow. Today was wonderful. I’m grateful for today. I’ll have great memories from today.
Tomorrow… will be… hard. I’m gonna try and be ready for it. I’m not sure exactly how to prepare myself, but… the day will come and go either way, so there’s not much I can do but try to go through it as best I can.
I didn’t face my biggest fear today like I’d planned. I slept in (which I really needed to do) and then spent pretty much the whole day in conversation with my friend, so… not much time to go through the fear-facing process. I will, though. I will.
That fear list I mentioned that I thought I’d made… it’s coming back to me a little… I think I had this bullet list of things to do to face my fears… And I think I had a goal of doing one thing on that list every day. I’d look at the list and plan which one I was going to face that day… I’m going to be doing things like that again. Like I said, I’ve tasted personal change lately, a lot of it, and I want more. I’m tired of coasting along without working to become who I want to become.
These last three weeks have changed a lot for me–a lot. My whole focus in life is shifting again. My dedication to becoming a better person, already on the path forward before the re-connection, is shifting into overdrive now. It is going to become my daily top priority. A better me will be better for everyone. At least that’s what I believe, and hopefully, it’ll help me be even more effective in my efforts to “lift the world.”
Other than talk to my friend all day, I mowed that lawn (talking to my friend the whole time) pulled the weeds in the rose beds (while talking to my friend the whole time), and… that’s… pretty much it.
I thought I’d put the kibosh on the weight loss thing, but I’m still sliding. I think I was 167 on the scale today before I jumped into the shower. Yikes. I haven’t been that small for… a long time. I’m gonna drink another protein shake before I go to bed. Hopefully, I’ll get some more calories in there and get myself back closer to where I was.
#1. I’m grateful that I was able to spend a beautiful day with my friend. I will cherish this day for… well… ever.
#2. I’m grateful that I’m not as chigger bitten as I could be after a long day of yard work (the grass was tall enough that I had the shoot raised up so the grass would be flung everywhere, instead of making rows I’d need to rake up later. That sent grass all over me at times, grass that was full of chiggers. As of right now, though, only one chigger bite is really bothering me–on my forearm. Nice to only have one.
#3. I’m grateful to have gotten the weeds pulled and that they’re so easy to pull with the mulch covering. The weeds grow in the mulch, so they’re so easy to pull up by the roots. So nice compared to normal weeds that are rooted hard and fast into the solid ground.
#4. I’m grateful that these last three weeks have helped me to learn to work less, to put higher priority things in their proper places. Hopefully, I’ll continue to be able to do that.
#5. I’m grateful that I’m getting to bed before 1:00. It’s 12:30 my time right now, and I’m wrapping this up and will drink my shake and crawl into bed.
Well, folks, I’m gonna add three more things to my daily journal list, just like I used to years ago. A list of things I want to work on. Gratitude on the one hand, things to do better at on the other.
#1. Be better at cleaning up after myself tomorrow.
#2. Be better at putting the higher priority things of the day in their proper places. I really want my study/meditation time to be first thing. I can’t be trying to do it once the work day has started. Which means I need to be done with it by 7:30 a.m.
#3. Be better at getting to bed on time. 10:30, Stephen, 10:30. Gotta get that going. In order to do that, I need to get the next day’s schedule done earlier. I really need to start doing that as soon as the current jobs have all been finished for the day. I struggle with doing it then because it’s already been a long day, and I want a break, but it needs to be done. Finish working no later than 8, have the schedule done by 9 or 9:30 (might be wishful thinking, as it’s a long, tedious process to make the schedule), and then journal, and then bed.
So… that’s what I want to improve from today. We’ll see how I do tomorrow.
Thanks, for being with me. I’ll be getting to that marriage fear post here shortly, including adding to it why I want to be married in the first place (per a suggestion of one of my readers).
Goodnight, my lovelies. Thanks, for taking time out of your life to support me in mine.
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 