Hey, folks.
It’s been a rough day for me. I didn’t get enough sleep because I went to bed so late. Fortunately, I was still able to stay mostly on top of things with my dailies–meditating, studying, praying, etc. I’m usually quite on top of things after a relapse, determined to do better. So that part was good. I was able to prioritize well, doing those over other things that I could have chosen to do, and I only ran into one issue with my dailies–not having enough time before church started to get a good personal gospel study in.
I was nervous going to church because I wasn’t going to be able to take the sacrament, and I have to face the pride that causes the embarrassment of being judged for not taking it.. It’s a ridiculous fear anyway, as I’m probably not judged at all. But it’s also the pride of wanting to be the solid strong one everyone looks up to and thinks is awesome and not the one who keeps falling on his face over and over and can’t seem to ever overcome.
It’s just pride. …my number one struggle that’s at the root of pretty much all my struggles.
In times past, because of that pride, I’ve showed up to church after the sacrament has already been passed, so no one sees me letting it go by without taking it. I managed to stop doing that, I think, before I left going to church altogether 2 years ago or so, swallowing my pride and being there as it goes by, but it’s a little harder with home church because there’s only a few people, so everyone sees you. My pride is worried about that, but I was able to overcome that today, and that’s something.
It’s been hard today.
Part of me feels like I slammed back into earth from high in the sky, reality sinking in. I’d been feeling for a little while now like God was preparing me for something important coming up soon, that all sorts of big things were falling into place, that I was growing a whole lot, and that my life was changing at the same time in pretty dramatic ways, and I viewed my being freed from this porn/masturbation struggle as being part of it, evidence that things were changing quickly with important things about to happen in my life; but after relapsing again, I question whether what I’ve been feeling is real, or if things are just gonna stay the same. Relapsing, in more ways than one, makes me feel like things are just going to stay the same, that nothing major is on the horizon. That I still have a long ways to go in both growth and time before the things I was thinking might happen will happen.
After church, I took a “nap” (I put it in quotes because it lasted for four hours! I guess my body needed that, as hammered as it’s been from the trip and the many many stresses). I didn’t wake up until after 6 p.m., I think, which didn’t give me enough time to do scheduling for work tomorrow before I had a family meeting with my Hill Family here. By the time that all got done with, I was pretty much in the same place I seem to be every single day, not getting my scheduling done at night, which means I have to do it first thing in the morning, which means I mess up my schedule for doing my dailies, which means I often don’t get them done.
So… that’s discouraging. I’ve really got to get scheduling nailed down. It’s so time consuming and stressful. You wouldn’t think it would take so long, but man, it takes forever. And I can’t automate it, because each job requires a person understand what needs to happen with every single job, where each one is, what parts are needed, how much time each job is likely to take… there’s so much… geographical and time organization.
The long nap is also discouraging because I don’t really feel like I’ve had a day off. I’m stressed, discouraged, worn out, burned out, etc., and that’s right after three weeks “off” (not that I’m ever off, though).
I want ice cream.
So… doesn’t feel like a day off. I didn’t get done any of the things I was hoping to get done today other than getting my dailies mostly done. No pondering on the things I wanted to ponder. No progress in any area, really… at least that’s how it feels, other than choosing to go to church and face that pride and prioritizing my dailies this morning better than I had in a couple days. So… it feels like I fell 1000 feet and then made no progress climbing back.
Hard to stay positive right now. That’s an area of growth that would be good for me to figure out right now, being positive when things crash so hard for me. Figuring out how to get up beat and excited for progress again, excited for the journey.
And… the more I write, the lower I’m getting, so I better cut this off here and move into gratitude.
#1. I’m grateful that my Arkansas family considers me family enough to invite me to their monthly extended-family meetings about how to take care of the family and Haven Hill.
#2. I’m grateful to have the means to contribute to the betterment of the Hill.
#3. I’m grateful for friends and family who are encouraging and want to help through tough times.
#4. I’m grateful to be home, where it’s easier to get back into a routine and hopefully, easier to get back on top of things and moving forward again.
#5. I’m grateful to not be driving all day.
Well, my lovelies. I’m gonna eat and drink a little more and then crash. I hope y’all had better days than I have these last 24 hours. It’s been extremely discouraging. Thanks, again, for your encouraging words.
Loves and hugs.
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 