What does it feel like to give your everything?
To have gotten up one last time… for the thousandth time. To have faced every battle, whether victorious or in defeat. To have continuously turned to meet a seemingly never-ending onslaught of challenges that thunder toward you at reckless speed as if from all directions.
What does it feel like to have fought until every ounce of energy you have has been completely consumed and you lay wasted in both body and spirit.
And what does it feel like, as you lay there wasted, to know within yourself, to know that you have truly given your all, that you really have nothing left, and that you would still be fighting if there were any possible way–if you could coax one last even beleaguered effort from your depleted frame.
I have known a measure of this feeling before. A soccer game as a youth, during which I pushed myself beyond any point I think I’d ever gone. I remember my body so utterly wasted. So devoid of the energy I wished I had in order to find some way to win our game. I had run myself completely ragged and… We lost. But I had given everything I had.
Then there was that last climb, returning from our ill-advised route to Machu Picchu, having taken the back way. Dehydrated perhaps more than I’d ever been in my life, and having spent two full days in the effort to go to and return from that famous landmark, I found myself with just two obstacles remaining before reaching the mountain village of Santa Teresa, nestled high in the Andes beside the raging river that was the first of those two final obstacles.
So devoid of energy was I that it was all I could do to pull myself along on the little platform, hand over hand with the river raging below. And when we reached the other side, I found myself staring at the last obstacle–perhaps 100 huge stone steps leading from the river banks to the village above. I couldn’t. I was so thoroughly exhausted. My body had nothing left. I was so tired. And those steps were so imposing. So discouraging. I had pushed myself until the point of collapsing.
But my mind…
It still had something left. I looked at my friend and I said something like, “There’s only one way I can do this. I’m gonna have to run. Mind over body.”
And I did.
Burning the last ounce of energy, I made it to the top.
I’d given everything I had.
And just a few months ago, an emotional and spiritual effort. After more than 10 years of giving everything I knew how to give, I had reached my last 100 steps. I had felt for years that I was depleted beyond restoration. I had one last gasp to give. And like with those 100 steps, I ran. I gave my last. I gave my all.
And when I had reached the top, I knew. I knew that I had done everything that I was capable of doing.
Yes, I have seen myself give that kind of effort before. I want to see it now. I want to see it in the experiences I’m going through right now. And I will see it. That is my commitment to myself. That is my commitment to you. And you. And to you.
I will give my everything to this. And were it required, even my “last full measure of devotion.”
One day, I will be able to say, with absolute certainty, “I gave everything I had, and I know it.”
#1. I’m grateful to be positive after two really cruddy days at work in a row.
#2. I’m grateful to be thinking about writing about gratitude when speaking of wasted, my brain is wasted. It’s kaput. Gone bye bye.
#3. I’m grateful that it hasn’t been very humid lately. The cooling off of the house at night feels great, in large part because the outside air coming in isn’t sticky.
#4. I’m grateful that my uber expensive scantool that wasn’t responsive yesterday decided to be responsive today.
#5. I’m grateful to be determined to fight on. And on. And on. And on. And on. Loves and hugs to all you wonderful people out there. Hope you had a chance to lift someone’s world today. Yup. The best stuff.
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 
Oo! Oo! Okay, so we don’t watch tv but… when we’re at my father-in-law’s he always has the t.v. on so… we’ve developed an enjoyment of CSI LA. ANWAY… 🙂 Favorite new quote that I think is a propos – from the Navy SEALs but I heard it first on CSI LA and Hans and the interverse corroborated it:
“The only EASY day was YESTERDAY…”
Then I picture them flexing their muscles and sounding their barbaric YAWP! 🙂
Anyway… Maybe you can find that quote useful! 🙂
On the other hand… (Tevye’s voice)
Maybe consider giving not quite your all, so there is something of you left… There is something to be said for having physical/mental/emotional resilience left and for not ending up in a primitive hospital in the middle of Peru.
You can do it, brother! 🙂 Sending mucho love!
Heather
Your brain has an infinite capacity for strength. At first, as a runner, I found my brain trying to tell me I couldn’t do it. I had to find ways to trick my brain into not giving up. It was hardest challenge. What worked one day, didn’t the next time. I was talking this over with a fellow runner and he said, “There’s too much thinking. Stop thinking and it will be so much easier. Your brain needs to be occupied, yes,” he said, “so count to four. And count to four. And count to four. Use your willpower to keep your mind counting to four.” And it worked. My little guy is starting middle school and they’re teaching them about having GRIT – Gusto, Resilience, Increments and Tenacity. Increments are essential to success. Break down the battle into small, manageable pieces – maybe that’s not a whole day, maybe manageable is the next five minutes, or the next breath. And use it as a springboard to the next manageable piece. A lot of small successes will build into a large one. Count to four. You’ve got this.