2020-09-20 — Love…

I find myself tonight wondering if there’s something not quite right with my heart and brain. I’m beginning more and more to wonder if I’m on the autism spectrum or if I have some kind of disorder or something.

My main concern? I don’t know if I know what love is or if I love people.

I thought maybe I have some sort of narcissistic disorder perhaps, but my mom pretty quickly shot that one down because I’m thinking about other people’s needs all the time, and she says a narcissist wouldn’t.

I wondered, though, because I feel like I notice that I’m thinking about myself all the time–my needs, my wants, my fears, my concerns. I suppose a lot of that could be related to the fact that I’m going through an excruciating time in my life, and perhaps it’s understandable to be thinking about myself all the time, but still… something just seems different with me compared to what I feel I see in others.

My mom did say that I process ideas about love similarly to a nephew of mine who is on the autism spectrum.

Whatever is going on, I just feel… different.

I’ve only noticed it in bits and pieces here and there, but I’ve never really sat down to ponder or analyze it. Circumstances in my life right now, however, have brought it to the forefront of my mind, and I’m starting to dig into myself.

I don’t know if I love anyone. I think I do, but then I look at other people and the love I see in their faces and hear in their voices, and I listen to them talk about the care and concern they have for others, and I think to myself… why am I not like that? Why don’t I feel things that deeply? What’s wrong with me?

For example, I remember my college girlfriend, Janelle, as I was driving back from across the country in whiteout blizzard conditions. I remember how worried she was for me. I think of my friend Cory, and I hear the love and care and concern in his voice when he tells me how much he cares about me and about my friend Brittani. And Brittani, I think of how powerful her care and concern is for me, how deeply she feels it.

Why don’t I have that? Sure if someone is right in front of me and in need, I’m there, for sure. I’ll help. I’ll give of myself. I’ll stay with them. I’ll sacrifice for them. But when I leave them… it’s like my brain is so compartmentalized that I leave them there and my brain does, too. When I have friends going through hard times, if I’m there with them, I’m there, but if I’m not, I don’t have them and their situation pressing on my mind. My brain goes elsewhere, to other things. I move on, forget about them, so to speak.

Certainly there are exceptions, but I think the above is the norm for me. Why?

I wish I could feel what other people feel so that I could compare.

(If you feel to explain in the comments below, I’d be grateful for your thoughts and perspectives and experiences.)

And why don’t remember to pray for people or send happy thoughts their way. Even before I left the LDS Church two years ago, I was terrible at praying for other people. It’s not just that I’m out of practice. I never was good at it.

Is it just because I’ve been so consumed these last 10 years in my own struggles, a 10-year journey that has exhausted me emotionally and spiritually? Is that all it is? And it’s understandable and normal given all I’ve been going through?

Or am I broken or “different” somehow?

I want to say that I love people, and I know other people would say that of course I love people. I do things that a person who loves other people would do. I do them all the time. But I don’t feel things like others do, I don’t think, and so I don’t know if I love people, and I’m afraid to say that I do because I don’t want to be lying.

And what is love anyway? That would probably be helpful to know. I’ve done quite a bit of pondering about that lately, and perhaps I’ll post all those thoughts in another blog post… I feel like I’ve come up with a definition for love that makes sense to me, but the feeling part of it still eludes me.

Anyway…

#1. I’m grateful for fruit smoothies.

#2. I’m grateful for love, whether I understand it or feel it or not. Whatever it is, it certainly does a lot of good for the world.

#3. I’m grateful to be able to have been able to walk around in the beautiful weather outside today. It was gorgeous.

#4. I’m grateful to be able to think about the things that are on my mind. I’m going to be making it a bigger priority to work through the feelings I have and where I’m at in a lot of different areas in my life. I only have one life, and I’m pretty close to halfway through with it, given current life expectancy. I’m starting to have that sense that life is short… fleeting. Like I really don’t have that much time left. I want to learn all I can in the time I have. But more importantly to me, I want to love more than I ever have.

#5. I’m grateful for beds, and blankets, and my rain storm white noise app.

Good night, my wonderful people. Loves and hugs to you.

Lift the World.

~ stephen