So, I’ve been off kilter for several days now with my daily routine. I haven’t gotten my dailies done for… days. 🙃 I’m actually doing my 5×5 before and after I do my journal here because… I actually miss doing it. I love seeing the little bits of progress I’m making here and there. It’s super cool. I love seeing a vacuumed carpet floor. Just… feels nice. And I got the laundry room pretty cleaned up–more organized than it’s been in a long time. So that’s pretty… nice. I still haven’t figured out what I’m gonna do with the big TV in the living room that none of us use. I guess I’ll just give it away. I’d use it for my music production stuff, but… I don’t do any anymore. 😕
Anyway, I’m regrouping and trying to get back on track after some pretty rough days where I sort of just crashed in a lot of ways. I’m pulling myself back together, and hopefully tonight will be the night.
So… I’m doing at least some of my 5x5s tonight, and I’ll be back on track tomorrow–rockin’ it. Just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait!
I was talking to my mom a little bit today. She’d read my post last night about finding out that I’m apparently not on the ASD spectrum, and was thinking about my concerns over my ability to feel love like I think other people feel it, and she brought up three things that I’m noodling on a little it.
#1. That the mail brain, in general, tends to be a lot more compartmentalized, and that could play a role in it what I’m feeling like I see in the differences.
#2. She remembers how incredibly sensitive I was as a child, and how affectionate I was and whatnot (mom, if I’m mis-paraphrasing you, please feel free to correct in the comments below). And she wondered that perhaps the things that I witnessed as a child in our household with the relationship challenges and struggles and just… lots of ugly things, if perhaps I have some trauma that affected me deeply, and perhaps I shut off that super sensitive part of my nature, or perhaps not shut off but significantly reduced the intensity of which I feel emotions.
#3. She wondered if perhaps seeing people leave and not come back over and over again as a child might have played a role as well. Multiple of my sisters leaving when I was very young and not coming back. My oldest brother, etc. Perhaps I’ve shut myself off a little bit.
I don’t know. I don’t know how any of those would be proven or disproven. I don’t know what I would do about them if they were true. I’ve never really been one to put much thought into theories of behavior, etc., that I can’t prove, but perhaps there’s merit to them, and perhaps I’ll find something useful there.
I’ve also felt that I wasn’t really affected by my childhood that much, like I was detached from it. That my life was my own. My choices were my own, and nothing other people did really had any lasting effect on me as an adult. Perhaps that’s just naive thinking, and I really was affected significantly in ways I don’t know?
Maybe the very fact that I feel detached from it is evidence that I was affected significantly, and detaching was how I coped? Or maybe that was me from the beginning, and I’ve always been that sort of detached/compartmentalized person.
I don’t know.
Either way, I’m going to work on trying to increase my sensitivity to feelings, I think, specifically feeling love for others and feeling loved by others. I know I love because I care and it’s genuine, and I’ll sacrifice myself for others. But I don’t feel it as often as I think I’d like to, as often as it seems others do?
Anyway, I’m probably repeating myself.
#1. I’m grateful that I was able to get into the doctor. I was pretty disappointed with the doctor himself. He seemed in a rush and spent all of maybe 3 or 4 minutes with me, barely doing anything at all before ordering a nerve conduction test and being on his way. $200. Ouch. Just for that 4 minutes of not even really doing anything at all. Still… I’m getting the ball rolling on something, which is more than I’ve done. I keep telling the people I love to take care of themselves, but I don’t do a very good job at taking care of myself, so… yeah… this hypocrite is entering reform school. 🙃
#2. I’m grateful that though I was late to my doctor’s appointment, it wasn’t a problem at all.
#3. I’m grateful that I’ve been more patient lately. It’s been so nice to not melt down like I was melting down. I haven’t in a while, and that’s… really cool. My meltdowns were–embarrassing… even to think about.
#4. I’m grateful for the rain today. That was nice. It was cool all day, and though I got a bit wet, I was fine, and it was nice.
#5. I’m grateful that I didn’t run out of gas. I pushed it a bit too far tonight, but I lucked out.
Well, folks, I’m really trying to work on my self discipline, so I’m gonna say goodnight. It’s 9:58. By way of accountability (and I haven’t figured out how to do percentages yet in a timely fashion, and I don’t want to spend a chunk of my evening trying to figure them out, so… it’s just the straight streak numbers tonight, as usual).
| Journal | Sugar Free | No TV/Movie | Swearing | Porn Free | Up at 5:30 | Exercise | 5X5 | Dailies |
| 178 | 170 | 143 | 106 | 7 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
Alright, my lovelies. Loves and hugs to all of you. Thanks, for being a part of my life!
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 