2020-10-04 — Forward With Faith

I believe it was sometime in the Spring or early summer of 2018 that, after having been a temple worker at the Kansas City, Missouri temple for a handful of months perhaps, I relapsed in my pornography/masturbation addiction.

That was devastating for me.

Working in the temple was one of the most joyful and rewarding experiences I had.

I loved it.

But I relapsed. And then I relapsed again. And before long, I requested to be released as a temple worker, unable to worthily serve and discouraged by having to keep finding people to cover my shifts and by just not being able to stay free from that addiction.

Something happened in me at that point. I don’t know exactly what it was, but I began to break. It was as if that was the little feather in the cartoons that finally made the whole burden unbearable, finally crushing the character underneath the massive pile.

I don’t even really know what happened, but I just started losing my belief in God at that point. My church attendance was more sporadic. I requested to be released from my calling because I didn’t feel I could have integrity and teach things that I was losing faith in myself.

It wasn’t long before I stopped going altogether.

Over the course of the next two years, I plummeted. I worked and worked and worked, at least somewhat, I would guess, to avoid having to face my life. Sundays… those Sunday blues I mentioned just last Sunday. Sundays were hard days. Though I wasn’t attending church or believing really, I still took Sundays off, most of the time, but they were such hard days, being reminded of where I was in comparison to where I thought I was going to be, where I wanted to be.

I guess I’m leaving out the most important part of the story…

I think the major reason I left the church was because there was something I’d felt like God had told me that I’d given my whole heart and soul for and put my whole faith in for years and years, and… it didn’t happen as I’d understood. I lasted another couple two or three years after that, but something about relapsing and losing my ability to work in the temple just… broke me, and that hardest and longest of the trials of my life finally did me in.

For the next two years, I lived angry. I was angry at God (when I chose to believe in him). I was quick to frustration and anger.

It was ugly. So ugly.

Two years.

It was in March that I finally was fed up with my life, the choices I was making, the way I was living. That’s when I started this daily journal, almost as a public plea for help, for accountability, to help me get on my feet, get where I wanted to go and to hopefully lift others in the process.

Just three months in to writing the blog, my life was making significant strides for the better. I was feeling excited, making so much progress back toward the man I wanted to be, so much progress so quickly.

And then something happened. That thing I’d understood from the Lord that I’d trusted in for so long and given my whole soul to that didn’t happen as I’d understood…. it… began to happen. And it began to happen in a pretty miraculous fashion.

Having gone through what I went through for years and years, I was slow to trust, like a child reaching out to pet a dog who feels like the dog has already bitten him. I was afraid of getting bitten again.

Terrified, actually.

It’s taken me three months, and I’m still not ready to trust completely, but I’ve had so many experiences over the last three months that reinforce and confirm, that it’s sad that I still have any doubt. But there’s still a little.

However, my faith and strength is strong right now. It’s been growing more and more lately, and though it might sound foolish to some, I will be ashamed no longer. I want faith to be the road I choose. I don’t want perfect knowledge yet. I want perfect faith first. I want to be humble enough to trust in things beyond myself that I can’t see but only feel and believe with my heart.

The more I ponder, the more I realize that choosing to put my faith in my God, a being who loves us all perfectly and completely, and who has all power and knowledge and wisdom… choosing to put my faith in that being is one of the most important things for me to choose to do in my life right now.

It’s hard.

It’s hard to trust, especially when it feels like I’ve been bitten before. But at the same time, I also knew that what was happening, as much as it hurt, was also giving me exactly what I’d asked for–the opportunity to have my faith tested to its very limits.

So here I am, two years removed from leaving the church and not even three months removed from coming back, and I’m putting all my trust in the existence of a loving God.

I know I’m not going to be perfect at it. I know it’s gonna be a long, hard journey to letting go and letting God, as they say in AA, but I’m as committed now, in fact more so, I think, than I’ve ever been in my life.

I choose faith. I choose to believe that God is good–that he loves me and every person and creature on this planet perfectly. I choose to believe that my sincere honest efforts are worthy, even in their imperfection, and that God is ecstatic because he knows my heart, and my heart, despite all my failings, is good.

So… knowing that my heart is good, and choosing to believe that God is perfectly loving, and knows all, has all wisdom, and all power and all that… I’m gonna choose to believe that he’s got my back, and that whatever happens in my life, the only thing that’s important is that I gave a worthy effort. I’m going to let go of outcomes. Let go worry. Let go of anger. Let go of impatience.

I have two goals.

#1. Become love.

#2. Love and lift everyone.

So… I know I’m gonna have a trillion ups and downs, but today, I’m going forward with faith, renewed faith. Renewed determination. Thanks, for all your support.

As far as the day is concerned, I spent pretty much the whole day listening to Conference. I listened to the women’s meeting from yesterday, the Saturday afternoon session that I’d missed a lot of because I’d planned my workday poorly, and also to the two regular Sunday sessions.

It was wonderful. I was also fasting, and that was a great experience. I was fasting for direction in my own life and also for a friend who’s been struggling a bit.

Other than that, we had a Haven Hill Family meeting tonight, and that was good. I love how things are here. I’d love to have a little family ranch for my immediate family as well. Go get 100+ acres somewhere, and just… have a little family property or something. It’s such a beautiful thing here. I love it.

#1. I’m grateful for the beautiful day that it was today. The temperature was perfect, as long as I was sitting in the sun, which I did a lot of. 😊

#2. I’m grateful to be counted as part of the Haven Hill family enough that they invite me to family meetings here and to contribute as a member of the family. It’s so nice.

#3. I’m grateful to be upbeat and faith filled right now.

#4. I’m grateful to be lifted by others when I’m down and to be able to lift others when they’re down.

#5. I’m grateful for the opportunity to increase my faith and trust in God.

Anyway, it’s the start of another week, and I’m gonna put my renewed faith to the test. We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck. Loves and hugs to all.

Lift the World.

~ stephen