2020-10-18 — Hungry

Hello, my wonderfuls. 😊

Happy end of the first day of the week!

I find myself, at the moment, tired, happy… and hungry. I’m tired because though I slept quite well last night (yay! 😀), and dozed a little today, my body has yet to recover from multiple days in a row of a lack of sleep.

I’m happy because… I have faith in the future, in who I am now, in who I’m in the process of becoming, and I have faith that there is yet great good that I can do for this world while I’m still privileged to be living upon it. That’s exciting. 😀

I’m hungry… not for wont of food, as I’m stuffed to the gills at the moment (dinner at my sister Liz’s place and then 32oz of yogurt with cut up pineapple chunks on top of that), but hungry for knowledge, for truth, and for opportunities to spread knowledge and love to the whole world and to every person and creature upon it (acknowledging still my lack of love for critters that bite me and/or suck my blood… sorry, guys. Not there yet 🙃).

So… it’s been a super great day. I memorized A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief this morning, and that’s been in my head today, although my brain isn’t recalling the beginning words to the second verse at the moment.

I’ve had a great peace and excitement today, a longing to be the man I’m becoming–not in any discouraged sense, but in a sense of excited anticipation. The sense of the spiritual that I once had, a sense that was deep, penetrating, and consuming, is returning. Yep, I’m beginning to feel it again as I once did, and I’m excited. Just thinking about it makes me smile. That was probably the most amazing time of my life, in the sense of feeling like I was being taught on a regular basis from God himself. I’m hoping the same gifts will be returning this go round.

The joy of life is returning. The passion for the things of eternity are returning. The light I once lived with, the light that was a daily guide, a daily companion, a daily teacher, a daily revelator to my heart and mind is returning!

And I am grateful.

And whatever is required to rise to the next level of who I’m trying to become and the good I’m hoping to do, and the love I’m hoping to have, be, and spread…

Bring it on.

I’m being blessed right now with a gift of faith that I’ve longed for, and I’m grateful for the opportunities I have to choose faith right now. I count it as a privilege to experience the things I’m experiencing right now, to see myself and my heart as I go through these days of my life.

I want to get to the point that I have absolute confidence in myself, in what I will do in any circumstance. That I will hold true to what I believe to be right. That I will not, for convenience, for the praise and honor of man, for the fear of judgment of man, or to alleviate some great physical suffering or torture that could be inflicted upon me, renounce who I am and what I believe to be true.

I want to have 100% confident in who I am, 100% confidence that I will stay true to who I am and what I believe is right, come what may. I’m not there yet, though I know that one day I will get there.

I’ve watched myself over the last handful of days. I’ve watched as past fears have tried to creep in. And I’ve watched as I’ve banished them, paid them no heed. I’ve watched myself choose faith in the future and peace, and I’m grateful.

I hope the gift of faith I’m experiencing right now is more than strengthening grace. I hope that it’s transformational/changing grace, but whichever it be, I am grateful for it right now.

My, how things have changed in my life over the last 7 months!

My lovelies, what a beautiful journey this has been and continues to be. Ups and downs of great heights and great depths. And much much much more of both to come, I believe.

Bring it on.

Anyway… I guess I went off there a little bit. 🙃

In other news, I slept through the night, no tossing, no turning, no old man trips to the… bottle. It was wonderful. 😁 I took a hot-to-cold shower and went through my morning routine. I worked on memorizations. I sang a good bit. I pondered my way to more than 10,000 steps today, wandering and pondering multiple times today around this beautiful property on this magnificent autumn day.

I spent some time listening to past speeches from Truman Madsen. I started working a little bit on the outline for a book I’m going to write. I had church with my sister and her family, then lunch/dinner. I helped my 12-year-old nephew learn to drive a little bit–putting out plastic bottles around the property and having him try to run them over with the specified tire (helping him get to know the dimensions of the car and its spatial orientation with the other objects around it. Fun stuff. 😀

I had a long talk with my friend Cory. Good stuff. It’s a privilege to have him as a friend. Been missing my friend Brittani. I hope to have the privilege of being back in contact with her in the near future, whenever it’s best.

#1. I’m gateful to be happy.

#2. I’m grateful for peace.

#3. I’m grateful to be taught by Captain Universe.

#4. I’m grateful to be finishing up my journal at this time of day (it’s 8:41 right now). I’m actually going to be pushing back my wake-up time a bit to 5:00 a.m., as I’m really loving my morning time, and hunger for just a little more of it. We’ll see how that goes.

#5. I’m grateful that I haven’t really been stressed much at all about the fact that we have no solid jobs scheduled for tomorrow (I can’t even remember the last time I didn’t have anything for a Monday. It and Saturday are the busiest days of the week. I’m not sure what’s going on, but we’ve got nothing for tomorrow.). If you could, for David’s sake, send positive vibes/prayers this way that those who need their cars repaired will find us and that the phone calls will start early tomorrow morning, so that I can get David going and have a full day of work tomorrow for him, and by extension, his family.

#6. I’m grateful that I was able to get all my journal entries updated and on the 2020 page here. I was like three months behind in posting them.

Oh… I recognized a contradiction in my goals. Well… perhaps not a contradiction, but a clarification that I’d like to make. I’ve made the goal of memorizing one hymn per day. I do have that goal still, but the goal to which I more tightly will be holding myself is the goal of spending 15-30 minutes each day working on memorizations, and what I’m able to learn in that time is what I’m able to learn. Whatever it is, it’ll be counted as success because it will have been worthy, balanced effort.

Anyway, loves and hugs to you wonderful people you. I hope you have beautiful dreams. I’m reminded of my longtime desire to grow as a person by having almost a second life in my dreams, where they can be of such reality, and the lessons and experiences in them so vivid, that I learn and grow and become just as though they were experiences of conscious life, but without the accompanying pain that my learning can cause others in daily life, etc. Such vivid dreams can be such a blessing. Cory reminded me a few days ago, asking if I’d pursued those efforts much further, and I haven’t.

I will now.

I’m hungry, and I’d be eternally grateful if I could have my dreams be a place of instruction and growth.

Wow. I’m still going off. 🙃 I’m gonna go take care of my teeth, make my plans for tomorrow, chat with Mr. Biggest Shot, and go to bed. Good night, my wonderfuls. 😊

Loves and hugs.

Lift the world.

~ stephen