Yup, rough day.
Started out pretty well. Even though I was feeling crappy and was tired, pre migraining and whatnot from having gone over the edge yesterday and still feeling the same this morning, I still got up at 4:55, did my servicise, prayed, did my memorizating, 5×5, everything. I worked hard to take care of my body–eating and drinking and eating and drinking.
You’d think that would have made for the start to a pretty good day, but I, at some point, flipped over to cnn.com to glance at the news, and there was an inappropriate picture as the main picture on one of the stories.
I was surprised because it’s usually the conservative news websites that sensationalize the sex stories and nudity and whatnot (I have my theories about why it’s conservative websites that Focus so much more on sex and nudity crap, but that’s a topic for another day). CNN has historically been quite safe in that regard. I don’t care for their politics, but at least it’s a safer place for me than Fox News or Drudge Report, as far as stories about nudity and sex are concerned that can be dangerous for me. Those are just bad, but I was caught quite a bit off guard today.
Yup, today, it wasn’t safe. The absolutely most perfect picture for luring me into a relapse was that story’s cover photo. If it had been a totally nude picture, or something like that, I probably would have sort of jerked in shock and gotten away from it really quickly. But this was one of those pictures that’s a much more insidious …for me, at least. one of those pictures where you’re not sure that you’re seeing what you think you are seeing. For me, those are really tough, because my curiosity sort of takes over, and I am like, “Did I see what I think I just saw?!?!”
Instead of just running the other way like I should, I let my curiosity go in for a second look. It probably doesn’t make much sense for you guys as you read, it’s probably more like, “Wouldn’t that one be easier to get away from?”
Nope.
It’s absolutely the most perfect picture to get me to relapse.
And I did. ☹️
Maybe if it weren’t 11:09 p.m., and I weren’t still out working on a car 40 minutes away from home, I’d spend some more time and explain in greater detail why it’s more of a challenge to have something like that pop up.
Given that I’m in Springdale right now, and that I’m tired, and that I’m trying to finish this car, I’m going to keep it pretty brief.
As far as good things are concerned, I’m not beating myself up. I’m disappointed. For certain. But I’m just going to move forward like I always do. I made it 20 days this time. Something like that. Next time I’ll do even better.
It will end up being a decent day work wise. It was another good day for david. It will end up being a pretty good day for me as well, but obviously a very very very long one.
I managed to smash a brand new battery at autozone, sending battery acid all over the place. gratefully, they dropped the price as low as they were able to drop it for me so that it wasn’t super expensive for me. I’m grateful for that.
I think David did four or five cars today, and I will have done two, one of them being a pretty big job for me. Hopefully, I can be in bed by 1:00. 😬
I’m riding my journal right now while I wait for the car to cool off after having replaced the radiator. I’ll check the fluid level one more time, and then call it good.
Cross your fingers.
#1. I’m grateful that I’m not beating myself up.
#2. I’m grateful that I found a way to do this radiator job without having to disconnect the AC system.
#3. I’m grateful that I’m feeling better right now. I’m not perfect yet, but I’m not pre-migraining or even pre pre migraining. So that’s nice.
#4. I’m grateful to have full days and good work for david.
#5. I’m grateful that I had a sweatshirt and some sweatpants. It’s 43° outside with a pretty stiff Arkansas wind. 43° in Arkansas is already pretty cold with the humidity, but with the wind, ouch. I’m grateful that I had at least a sweatshirt and sweatpants. I’m pretty frozen, but I’m also grateful that the wind was blowing in the direction that meant the car was helping to keep me out of the wind.
Well, if you read this before I get to bed, maybe you can offer a little prayer or send positive thoughts my way. it’s going to be a short night sleep, and a very very very very very long day of work tomorrow. We’re slammed beyond slammed.
Loves and hugs.
Bring It On.
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 