Hiya, folks,
I’m struggling again. Sorry to be a downer so regularly. Might be related to whatever this health issue is. I can’t tell if it messes with my emotional stability, but I think other people have mentioned that they feel like they see patterns to that nature, even that my relapses tend to occur more frequently when I’m not doing well physically. I don’t know myself. Haven’t noticed a correlation. Haven’t looked for one either.
As you know, I started having my physical issues again last night and went to bed feeling unwell, pre-migraine, etc, and I woke up feeling the same. I didn’t stay up for more than a couple hours, I don’t think, before going back to sleep. I ate breakfast and then slept for about three hours. When I woke up, I started force feeding myself to try to get past the issue. It’s so hard to force feed yourself when your body wants nothing to do with food (even thought that’s exactly what it needs) and everything sounds bad, and you’re sapped of physical energy and desire and just want to sleep. But if I follow what my body wants to do, I’ll just get worse and worse and worse. Well… I’ve never pushed further it to see where that goes. Maybe if I did, we’d finally figure out what’s causing it?
First world problem, though (the problem of force feeding myself). At least I have food in abundance to force feed myself with. At least I can choose to sleep when I don’t feel well.
It took until about maybe 2 or 2:30 before I pulled out of the fatigue and headache portion of the issue. I spent the next couple of hours or so in prayer and pondering about my life. But the cosmos are pretty silent right now. I’ve been following a particular course for well over a decade now, and it’s been harder for me the last few days. I go in cycles, generally, but something feels a little different lately? I don’t know. It’s harder to have hope right now or have faith that the path I’m walking is going to lead where I’d understood it was going to lead. And where it would lead is already so much different than I’d ever thought.
I’m not supposed to focus on outcomes, especially ones I don’t have any control over. Not much I can do about them. Except that in this case I do have some control. I have direct control, but only to one end. I can choose to go another direction any time I want. I’ve just felt that this is the right course. It’s just… so hard to overcome my fear that it never will come to pass, or that it will, but it won’t be for a long long time.
Anyway, enough about that. I’d probably better get to gratitude before I wallow in all that further.
I’ve been thinking a bit lately about where my life is at in general. Not happy with it. Of course, that’s my choice. My life is where I’ve chosen it to be, and it’s my choice to be unhappy with it. Just… that continual feeling like I’m wasting my life. Feeling like there’s so much good I can do for this world, and I just keep doing this mechanic stuff. Why? Because it’s getting me where I want to be financially, so that I can go forward in the other things without having to ask for donations or worry about my hopeful future family having the things they need for a good life.
But I learned years ago, poor financial choices, unforeseen happenings… all that “security” can be lost in an instant. Then what might I find? I might just find that I spent the bulk of my life trying to create stability and security that would enable me to go do the good I want to do, but that I never got to do it because getting to that point took my whole life.
I’m not sure what to think there. I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked so hard for. But I don’t want to waste another day of my life. Is this mechanic work a waste? Sometimes it feels like a definite yes. Sometimes it feels like it’s a good place to be to prepare for future opportunities.
The family I’ve hoped for might never happen. I don’t need financial security myself. I’m fine living day to day, sleeping in my car, whatever, if it means I can go make a difference for good.
I’m rambling.
You know the story. I’ve written about it so many times. I’m obviously still battling it out, but not very regularly because I’m so drained all the time from all the stress of work that I don’t think much about other things–except Sundays. When I choose not to work, and then I reflect on where I am and where I want to be and let myself get down.
Ugh… had better get this in gear…
#1. I’m grateful that my headache is gone.
#2. I’m grateful to be… almost on time for bed. It’s 9:01.
#3. I’m grateful to my sister and mother for being willing to be accountability people for me with my porn addiction stuff. I got an app that sends reports to whoever I want to have a report of what I’m doing online and with my apps. I realized there are ways around it, unfortunately, so I’ll have to figure that out, but I’m trying. I have a week clean right now, and I’m determined to never use again. I’m afraid to say that because I’ve never been able to be permanently free of it once I started seeking it out when I was four. …but I’m feeling more aware right now, more alert, more determined that I have been in a while maybe? I don’t want to compare too much because I just don’t remember, and I know I’ve gone to some pretty significant lengths in the past that have always failed. But… here’s to hope.
#4. I’m grateful to have so much information at my finger tips with the internet.
#5. I’m grateful to live in a place where we don’t have to boil water before it can be drunk, where food from the store is clean and safe.
Thought of the Day: “Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
― Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit
Goodnight, my Wonderfuls. I hope each of you has a beautiful night.
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 