2020-12-25 — The Outward-Facing Life

Happy Christmas, all you wonderful people out there! 😊

I hope your days really have been merry and bright. 😊 Mine started off early. Last night, I skipped out a little early from the family Christmas On the Hill party, and drove to Centerton to someone who’d put an ad out for a fully lit, fully decorated tree they were selling because they were moving. It was disassembled, by the time I got to it, unfortunately (I’d hoped to pick it up as it was and wake up in the middle of the night, put it up, go back to bed, and have a fully-lit, fully-decorated tree for mom to see when she woke up this morning to take Mindy out to go to the bathroom).

I brought it home, looking forward to the thought of mom waking up to see the tree (as she’d gone to bed without a Christmas tree), and I went to bed, setting my countdown timer for a couple of hours.

I woke up during the night a couple of times, resetting the timer each time, and finally getting up about 3:30 to get everything set up. It was super cold outside, and I tried to get things set up on the front porch, but it was so cold, and I didn’t have easy access to the power outlet to check out the lights and whatnot. So I carefully went into the living room and tried to quietly set everything up.

One of the first things I noticed was that the lights didn’t work (pre-lit tree). I spent probably 45 minutes trying to figure out if it was user error or individual lights or what the deal was. I finally realized it wasn’t user error. There were probably five or six strings intricately wound around the branches, but only maybe two? were lighting up. When I found an extension cord and got power to them individually, I realized the entire strings were simply bad.

At that point I chose to be frustrated, discouraged, and angry, because… well… of course those feelings will solve the problems. I spent the next maybe hour and a half? painstakingly removing all the broken lights in a last-ditch effort to see what was working and what wasn’t, and if, by some miracle, it was still just user error, but no. After the fight of getting all the lights off the tree, I went rummaging through mom’s Christmas decorations boxes and managed to find a couple strings of lights.

By this time, Mom was awake, but hadn’t come out of her room, and I was frantically, but futilely trying to get the ornaments on before she came out. T’was not to be, however, and she came out sometime around 6 a.m., I think, with me hiding behind a lit up tree but that didn’t have any ornaments on it.

Mom and I spent a little while putting ornaments on together, and that was neat. I love it when the only light in a room is from the Christmas tree. 😊

So we did breakfast, then we (mom and I) went out and spent a couple hours or so working on trails in the woods, this time working to get a closer access point to the woods for Liz. I plowed through the woods doing the heavier trail blazing/trail shaping work, while mom did the finer detail work. We probably did maybe another 100 yards or so today? (rough in work, not finished by any means)

I got the trail to the spot where now it’s going to be actual bushwhacking work to make the trail. It’ll be a lot slower going. The vines have completely taken over and killed many trees, some big ones even. It’s a little sad, honestly, and it’s gonna be a monumental task to reclaim the forest from the vines, but we’ll get it taken care of, bit by bit (morning servicise for the next… uh… 30 years? 🙃).

Anyway, it’s fun to make progress on the trails. I’m thinking that I might actually cover the trail with wood chips to minimize erosion, and keep the weeds down, and make give protection to the exposed roots that are all over (as well as allowing new soil to be created through the decay of the wood chips. We have a tree company not too far down the road where we can get free wood chips, so… it shouldn’t be too much of a problem to get wood chips.

So… that’s a lot of writing about walking trails through the woods. 🙃 But… I love them. The woods, the wilderness… they’re my home. My little heart finds rest and peace there.

In other news… uh… I’m back into the 160s. 😶 Granted, it’s like 169, and I was like 174 just a couple days ago, so it’s probably just the last few work days of not planning very well, but leave it to working too much, forgetting to take food with me when I work the “afternoon/evening shift,” lots and lots of working in the woods, and this new adventure into vegetarian/vegan whatevering to make it once again hard to keep the weight on. I’m down 34 pounds from my all-time high of 203 which was maybe a little less than a year ago? It hasn’t really been planned, actually. I mean, I didn’t want to be 203 pounds and new I was heavier than I wanted to be, but now I’m in the healthy range, but probably a little too light for where I want to be. Given my build, I’d say 175-185 is where I’d like to be, though my body used to default to 165. It takes a good bit more effort to keep the weight on without all the sugar, dairy, processed foods, etc.

What else… It’s been nice having two days off in a row. It’s been a good while since the last time that happened. Even my trip around the country included a lot of work work work every day. So… it was nice. I need more of this.

I think I felt a nudge today to make moving on from my auto business a priority. It was just a little feeling, like maybe it was time. Obviously, I want to, but I’m also afraid to–for financial reasons. But that’s the only reason. So… after I get all my taxes and business affairs in order, I think I’m going to sit down and plan my exit strategy, whether that’s selling the business (which won’t net me much), giving it to someone, or staying owner, but having someone else run it. That last one would seem to make the most sense, but we’ll see how it goes. I think I’ll start with that as the plan, see how it feels, and go from there.

I’ve spent a good chunk of time today looking at grand pianos on Facebook. I do that a lot, look for things to buy… land, houses, PA systems, excavators, cars, dump trucks, and on and on and on… (sigh). I don’t buy much… just do a lot of looking. Property is probably on the top of my list. I love this place here, but it’s… not mine. I do want a place of my own.

So… the most important thing of the day.

I felt this… I don’t know… how would I describe it? A sort of warm loving, ministering heart, sort of a Jesus Christ/Mother Teresa-type desire/longing to just go out and one by one, lift up the hands that hang down, lend a shoulder to cry on, cheer the sad hearts, etc.

I don’t know how to describe it. That probably just sounds normal, but it was a deeper… it was… something. I don’t know, but I’m grateful for it, and I want it to be the permanent condition of my heart right now, at least until I’m able to experience an even more loving heart than this one, in which case, I’ll then hope to have it swapped out for that one.

Anyway, it was a beautiful feeling. 😊 I can feel myself softening more and more, becoming more tender, more sensitive.

I’m grateful.

#1. I’m grateful for the generous people in my life who give to me. So many of my siblings and step siblings are so good at holidays, and I’m terrible. I don’t usually get anyone anything. I used to get people things all the time, but it’s been years. I’m grateful for people who are on top of holidays and birthdays and such. I hope to get back there some day.

#2. I’m grateful to be able to be there for friends. My friend Kimmi has been going through some super super challenging things right now, and she’s walking her rough road with courage and perspective. My heart is happy for where she’s at despite the challenges she faces.

#3. I’m grateful to be clean and sober another day. Love, not selfishness, is what I want to emanate from my heart at all times.

#4. I’m grateful for warm clothes. I was reminded again as I walked outside tonight in the bitter cold what it might be like to be homeless. I know what it’s like to be cold, but rarely have I been in a situation where I couldn’t do anything about it pretty much immediately. I truly live a life of luxury.

#5. I’m grateful to have been able to take a good nap today after a short night’s sleep.

Thought of the Day: “I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore

Well, my lovelies, happy Christmas. Happy holidays. Happy day. 😊

Loves and hugs. 😊

Lift the World.

~ stephen