Hola, my lovelies. 😊
Tis been… a day. I just about relapsed last night. Only managed to stave it off because of the accountability stuff I signed up for, which would show my mom and one of my sisters the things that I’d looked at. 😬 Certainly not the best motivation for staying clean, but the truth is this, when lizard brain (shout out to my sister Heather) takes over, it… honestly doesn’t really matter much what gets in the way. Nothing really matters more than using. So… if that little fear was enough to derail lizard brain, man… I’ll take it!!!
So… that was a win, but it felt like a loss because I wanted it and was teasing the edges rather thoroughly before finally veering back away from the edge. I woke up tired from being up late because of late work and then all the addiction temptations, news first (which I gave in to) and then porn (which I stayed away from, but only just barely).
I didn’t feel so great this morning, tired because of lack of sleep and discouraged because of my choices and lucky escape.
The day that followed just piled on. 40-minute job took 4 hours, and then the car had another problem after that and wouldn’t even start (not related to what I did today). David had a misdiagnosis and then didn’t charge a customer for an expensive part, and he ended up spending something like 5 hours on that job, and we could only bill for 2, and with him forgetting to bill the part… that… hurt badly.
And a bunch of customers got left hanging, and I ended up doing one of the jobs I was going to have David do, and it totally kicked my butt. I mean… yeah. Totally kicked my butt.
The crazy thing is, for how badly the day went in soooooo many respects, it still some how managed to be a really good money day.
😶😶😶
When I realized that, I felt sort of… I don’t know… dumb for being so angry today. There were times where I was just plain livid, like… as bad as I have ever gotten maybe. Maybe not quite. Close, at least.
Crazy.
Some people look at the cruddy things that happen and see the little nuggets in them to smile about. I tend to complain about all the crap, and when a little nugget comes, I tend to be more like “Finally!!! It’s about freaking time!!!” Of course, I have days where I’m not like that, where I’m actually patient and see the nuggets, but… today wasn’t one of those.
#1. One bright spot was that in the middle of some really really frustrating things, I did make some progress in turning my brain toward positive things when I just wanted to be angry.
#2. I’m grateful that it was a good money day. That softened the blow of all the unhappy things that happened once I realized that, just about washed it all away, honestly.
#3. I’m grateful that I was able to get the motor mount lined back up again. It was totally kicking my butt beyond kicking my butt, but eventually, I was able to figure it out and get it taken care of without any major issues, just a lot of massive headache trying to do the job.
#4. I’m grateful that I was able to stay warm today when it was super windy and bitter cold this morning.
#5. I’m grateful for my mother and for Cory, both of whom have been helpful for me on a tough day.
#6. I’m grateful for all of you sticking with me when I probably seem to make all the same mistakes over and over and over, and I’d imagine it could be pretty… annoying/frustrating/whatever to read about day after day.
Thought of the Day: “Of course I look at the glass half full. The only time I would look at it half empty is when I think about how good the first half tasted.” ~ Drew Deyoung
Pour me another glass. 😊 Loves, and hugs.
Lift the World.
~ stephen
p.s. 16 days clean. If I forget to mention where we’re at there, please let me know. Oh! And today makes 9 straight months of daily journal entries. Success. ⭐
Lift the World 