2021-01-04 — Over My Head

Guess I was due for a crappy day.

(Okay… every day is a good day. Ugh. This was one of those “try my patience by knocking me down every single time I get up all day long” kind of a day.

I’m super stressed right now. I’m slammed. Being sick has really messed things up. I started doing a job today that’s way more than what I should be doing. I mean, I can do it, but it’s gonna take a lot longer than I have time for right now, and I’m probably not even halfway through. I was supposed to finish today, but no dice. It’s just far more than I can do at any reasonable rate. I busted my butt and took hours and hours and still am feeling like I’ve barely gotten anything done. I’ve got the AC compressor out (not that hard), the purge valve changed (piece of cake), and the starter replaced (pain in the butt), but I still have the AC condenser to replace, two different expansion valves to replace, the entire AC system to flush, a PCV valve and tube to replace, and the AC system to recharge. And that’s just one job. I’ve got a schedule that’s packed beyond packed. I’m just… yeah… stressed to the max.

And the price for the poor customer keeps going up and up because I keep finding more things as I go, and of course, then I look like the proverbial mechanic who just wants more money. Ugh. It’s so discouraging.

To top it off, I might have gotten some little pieces of shredded shop towel in the oil fill cap. I saw one piece, and I got it out, and I tried to fish for more, just in case there were more, but I didn’t see any, but I don’t know if that’s because there aren’t any or what. I’m really discouraged right now–really discouraged.

I guess I just said that.

So in addition to all the other stuff I have to do with that car, now I need to take the stupid valve cover off because I took a risk and paid for it. And there probably isn’t anything in there to find, but… I don’t know that. And it wouldn’t matter anyway because the oil filter will pick it up, but… it’s a customer’s car, not my own.

To top it off, I’ve got my doctor’s appointment tomorrow, which I completely forgot about, and it’s already 9:32, and I’m gonna be super late to bed, and I’m just… ugh…

I was trying to dance in the rain today and not just try to get out of the storm. I did okay for a little while, but then it just kept pouring on and on and on, and now it’s boiled over,

I’ve got so much left to do with this car, and there’s… no way. I don’t know. We’ll see. I’ll get it. I’m sure I will somehow. It’ll just take all all all all all all all day, and I pray I’ll get it finished. But… surgeon appt, a million other cars. And… so much to figure out. And I’m already way late because of getting sick and running into more problems, etc. etc.

…

10:35… stuck with customer service for one of the resources I subscribe. They’re really screwing up, and I’m stuck waiting because I need the info ASAP.

10:58… I’m just… extremely angry right now.

12:42… I’m finally getting close to getting to bed. Today has been… really tough.

#1. I’m grateful…

ugh…

I’m grateful not be migraining. I didn’t take very good care of myself today. I haven’t been lately. It’s been really hard for some reason. I’ve tried slowing my life down, and somehow I’ve ended up with it being harder to get things done (like bring food with me)? I don’t understand. But… at least I’m not migraining.

#2. I’m grateful to be clean and sober one more day. That’s something. Especially when the day has kicked my trash, and I’m angry, lonely, tired, and hungry–all four of the biggest triggers for addiction relapse. But… I’m still clean. 22 days now.

#3. I’m grateful that I was able to get at least some of the information I needed for the job tomorrow. I’m hoping to get the rest of it tomorrow. Such a big deal. I pray I get it done in a reasonable amount of time.

Crap. I forgot to finish this.

1:07 a.m.

Ugh.

#4. I’m grateful that after so many things go wrong in a row it stops being frustrating, and it just sort of turns into numbness. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s nicer to be numb to the onslaught (sort of ambivalent?) instead of continuing in anger/frustration.

#5. I’m grateful that I remembered to finish this journal entry. I had just laid down to sleep when I remembered I hadn’t posted it.

Thought of the Day: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lift the World.

~ stephen