2021-01-05 — Feed the Insects

I guess I forgot to click Publish last night? I was so sure I did because that was the last thing I did before I went to bed. I even got back up and went back downstairs to click publish.

Weird.

Anyway, so… yesterday happened. Today started out just like yesterday (with the addition of far too little sleep), in the fire of the mess of that overwhelming job. I don’t know whether one would say that I made progress today or not. I spent about 4 hours spanning the morning and afternoon, trying to find a way to bypass the AC compressor, and after 4 hours, I finally found a workable belt, so that the vehicle could be driven without the AC compressor even in the vehicle; but by that time, the customer had made other backup transportation arrangements, so the two hours or so yesterday and the 4 hours today trying to find workarounds were… wasted time… that I didn’t charge for.

Anyway, there you go.

Fortunately, though I struggled a bit today, I handled it much better. I did get pretty mad a few times, but I did better today.

So yeah… I spent about half the day on that project. I pretty much came to the conclusion that I was quite worried over pretty much nothing with the shop towel shred concern. I created some flexible rubber tubing attachments for my vacuum, and went fishing, and after maybe 10 minutes of that, I called it good and felt fine about it.

I didn’t make any progress on the actual AC part of the repair, but… whatever. I can deal with it. To some degree, I think I just chose to make today better.

I’m making progress, peeps. I don’t know if it’s very apparent to all y’all with so many ups and downs. The behind-the-scenes emotional battles I’m fighting compound everything else, but I’m making progress.

All the hard stuff?

Bring it on.

One day, I’ll learn to dance in the rain, not just jump in a puddle here and there.

So, yeah… I’m proud of myself. I did better with dealing with my frustration with the car, I think. I did pretty well with the onslaught of temptation to text and drive with things being as crazy busy as they are and me having lost probably 1 1/2 hours of productive time each day now that I’m not working while driving.

Granted, I’ve not been perfect, and wasn’t today, but I feel really good about my efforts. When tempted to just thumb my nose at my commitment and just do it anyway, I pushed back and overcame when it was hard (again, not perfect, but definite progress).

And tonight, being tempted to think about things that would drag me down to a discouraged and depressed pity party for the events that have come to pass that have me where I am today, I caught myself (just a few minutes ago, actually) and am fighting them off, trying to give them no room.

Faith is for the future. Hope is for good things to come. The past… the pain… the struggle… I’ll leave that there, even if I have to claw it off myself like Eustace and his dragon layers.

Hope in good things to come.

(Let me tell you… it’s like someone is trying to thunder down the door of self pity, discouragement, depression… It’s taking some decent focus to deliberately push it away.)

So… after the “AC” job, it was off to the surgeon who seemed to have good news? He thinks I just need to let my finger heal more, and that I need to deep-tissue massage it to try to soften up the scar tissue, which is what is causing most, if not all, of the pain, he thinks. He said I might very well have chewed off the top, right side of my knuckle, but that I’ll likely not notice much of an issue with it in my life. He said there wasn’t any play in the joint. I have full range of motion, so if ligaments are torn, they’re not severed, as I’m able to move and do everything I need to. So… lots of physical therapy and deep-massage (which hurts quite a bit).

So I’ll be doing that.

After the surgeon’s appointment, I did two jobs and got home around… 7?

David only did three today, so it was a pretty tough money day, but that’s fine. You don’t win them all. Life most certainly goes on.

#1. I’m grateful for this section of my journal. On really rough days, it can be quite a challenge to come up with things I’m grateful for, but the effort has to be helping me somehow.

#2. I’m grateful that the surgeon was the kind of person who actually asked if I had questions, I think multiple times. Making sure I was able to ask everything I wanted to ask before he left. That was super nice. First time I’ve had a good experience with a doctor I think since I’ve been in Arkansas? I’ve had okay ones, and I’ve had downright bad ones, but this one was good.

#3. I’m grateful that I was able to do a couple jobs myself today to at least earn some money today for all the work I put in.

#4. I’m grateful that the world is getting lighter and lighter each day.

#5. I’m grateful to be feeling much more comfortable about everything with the AC job. I feel like I’m much better prepared now. I did a ton of studying and talking to mechanics, and it was good–really good.

“If it doesn’t challenge you it doesn’t change you.” Fred Devito

Speaking of challenges… Here’s one for you. Perhaps you can do it tonight! The next time you see an insect, especially one you might normally kill, take a full handful of minutes, and watch it. Follow it. Maybe pick it up and let it crawl on your hand. Look at it’s face. Ask yourself what it might be thinking. How it might be feeling. Then… give it some food or some water or both… watch it eat and/or drink. Then… let it go. And write a comment on this post about how you felt during and after the experience? 🙂

Loves and hugs to all y’all.

Lift the World.

~ stephen