Funny how after making a push to improve in a given area of my life, I find an increased opposition to the effort. I say I’m going to reduce my workload as a mechanic and in my business, and in the blink of an eye, somehow I find myself working even more–and that even as I’m taking active steps to reduce the load. 😶 I work on it in one area, and the struggle balloons out in another.
I make the commitment to give all I have to overcoming fear, to trusting in the goodness of God, and each time I woke up in the night last night, I woke up afraid. And then when I got up for good this morning, I battled a fear that was fighting to take over and drown me.
I know a lot of this doesn’t make sense. Afraid of what?!?! Afraid of not getting the future that I want. There are many events of my life that I don’t mention here that are critical to why I feel the ways that I do. I don’t mention them because… I feel like I shouldn’t. I’d love to, honestly, but I don’t feel like it’s best, so y’all just read the cloudy vagueries.
Anyway, the stronger opposition following an increased effort to overcome/grow/change seems an expected reality at this point. It happens pretty much at every turn where I strive to improve as a person–make a commitment, and expect that a wave of opposition will almost magically appear to try to knock me down–except I often forget that expected reality, and so I find myself unprepared for it, looking back at it going… right. Yup. Should have seen that coming. 🙃
So… yeah… I woke up afraid. I spent the morning afraid. But as the day went on, the fear dissipated.
I choose to let go. I choose to trust. It doesn’t really matter if I get things right or wrong in my understanding. I’m trying. God loves effort. A sincere heart is good enough for God. It’s good enough for me.
I’ve been coming to accept the reality that true changes of heart don’t come quickly, at least not for me. They are painfully slow. But it doesn’t have to be painful. It can be joyous. So… I’m gonna choose that, too.
So much growth to accomplish.
On another note, speaking of workload, I scheduled only one job for today, and as of this week, I’m actively going to be purposefully reducing my workload in preparation for moving away from work as a mechanic and moving in the direction of lifting the world in ways that will hopefully bring more joy and hope and peace and love to the world. So in regards to work, I think I’m going to make a rule for myself–no more than 4 or 5 billable hours a day on the schedule to begin with. No loading the days top to bottom. I haven’t fully thought that through yet, but I think that’s a pretty decent number. Leaning more toward the 4-hour option.
Anyway, it’s late. It’s time for bed. If you’re wondering about the whole tax thing that I was working on so feverishly, well, I got stonewalled because my business credit card company doesn’t keep electronic records past six months, so… I don’t have the records I need to even do my taxes. I called them, and they said it’ll be 10-15 or 17 or whatever business days, and they’ll snail mail me a copy because they can’t give it to me electronically.
😶😶😶
Yup.
🙃
What year is this again?
Anyway, so… I was blessed to get my automatic extension filed. Hopefully, it’s accepted. I’ll do my best to get all my records together, and we’ll cross our fingers and hope for the best!
Fun.
#1. I’m grateful that days that begin so challengingly can end so beautifully. Right now, I’m at peace. My heart is filled with love and light. It’s nice.
#2. I’m grateful for the patience, love, compassion, and encouragement of my wonderful family and friends who haven’t tired (or at least have been supportive even if they’ve tired) of my regular struggles and possibly turtle-speed growth. Last year about this time I was just waking up and starting to make changes to my actions and habits. Those changes were critical for me. This year, the changes I made then, and those I’ve made since, along with those I’m continuing to make, are bearing fruit in ways I’m sooooooo grateful for. I don’t know how much of it is visible through my posts. I know y’all see a lot of rough days on my end. It’s been a hard hard year. But it’s also been a beautiful year. Soooooo grateful.
#3. I’m grateful that chainsaw chains are cheap. I burn through them quite regularly, and it costs half as much to have them sharpened as it does to buy them, so… I buy lots of chains. One day, I’ll probably take them all in to be sharpened. But in the meantime, I’ll just keep buying chains as I need them (hit a rock this morning. Chain went bye bye.
#4. I’m grateful to have been able to take so many things in stride lately. The catastrophe of the dozer (my own fault, of course). Not so good cars bought from the auction (my own fault, of course). Hmmm… starting to see a pattern here. 🙃 I’ve actually done quite well at just rolling with it. So… that’s pretty great. I’m so excited to be… changing. 🙂
#5. I’m grateful to be clean and sober today, to be focusing on the good, to be focusing on the positive, to find my heart turning outward in greater measure. When I’m selfish, I hate life. I wish it to be over. When I’m selfless, I love life and wish to spread love to the world.
Thought of the Day: “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” ~ Buddha
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Daily Accountability Summary:
Morning Routine Weighted Success: 55%
Evening Routine Weighted Success: 67%
Pornography/Sex Addiction Battle: 44 days
To-Do Top 3 Prioritization: 100%
Free of Texting While Driving: 14
Lift the World 