2021-05-07 — Another Step Up

So much has been on my mind recently. The brain swirls.

I slept in again today (partly the product of going to bed so late again). I again made the poor choice to finish a movie I’d already started the day before instead of just going to bed.

I don’t want to waste my life with TV and movies. I’d been so good for so long. But with so many things piling up and so many pressures and me wanting to escape more and more… I just gave in.

The dangerous part is how quickly that stuff can get a foothold. It’s like sports. After over a year, I think, I went and looked at NBA standings because I noticed that my old team (the Utah Jazz) had the best record in the NBA, and I was like… what?!?! Fortunately, I think I’ve already moved past that. But it’s a danger.

Give an addict an inch…

Today, hard as it’s been, has been better. I managed to do the two most important of my dailies today. The morning convo with The Biggest Cheese and a halfway decent study. There have been challenges that have come with the reconnection with my old student, not with the student herself, just with “thoughts tumbling on thoughts.” So many memories. So many hard things brought back to mind. So many things I still have to process through. So many reminders of painful and challenging things. So that’s been hard, but overall, it’s been really good to be reconnected with her.

I wonder if any other will reach out in the future.

As I watch myself react to the events of my life, I realize just how much I haven’t come to terms with. It’s one thing to make decisions and act on them. It’s another to have that decision become what you are. For example, with that biggest mortal fear of mine (not getting married), it’s one thing to make decisions and choose courses of actions that are not fear based, but it’s another thing altogether to fully let go of the desires to the point that I’m not afraid to lose them. I want to be free of the fear, but for that, I have to truly be okay with never getting married.

That’s…. hard. I’m just not there yet. So when I’m reminded of where my life is at, I tend to be tossed around by my fears and longings. They are my master, to some degree, right now. I can sometimes avoid thinking about it, and then I’m not scared. I get busy with work, or serving, or whatever, but the fear returns when the thoughts return. That’s not a fully accurate description, but hopefully, you get the gist. The person who gets plastic surgery because they are afraid of the way they look is only avoiding the real problem (not being okay with who they are come what may). An accident that scars the surgically “perfected” face will just uncover the issue that was hidden behind the mask. So it is with me. The fear remains. Mask it. Bury it. Avoid it. But I have to accept and be okay with it coming true.

That’s the battle I face there and with all fears. Let go and be okay with it. Truly ok. Not just a choice, but a core change.

Shifting gears…. Worked on my bobcat a little bit, draining the oil out. Took a while to just do that because the drain hose was rusted together. I’ll but some antiseize on it or something. I got the air filters changed and the oil drained out. I want to get some cheap oil and throw it in there and flush it out again immediately because of how black and nasty it was. Still need to change the fuel filter, check the hydraulic fluid, remove and clean a handful of zerks, so I can grease the places where the zerks are plugged up., etc. But there’s progress there.

I worked on one car but didn’t get it figured out completely. The only other car turned out to be just a battery change, so that was easy. Then I just went home.

I don’t feel like I got much done today, as I spent so much time on the phone chatting with friends about important things, but that was good.

And guess what? It’s 9:07, and I’m sitting in bed with all but my one lamp off. So…. should be lights out by 9:30 at the latest.

More progress.

#1. I’m grateful we had a small tarp I could use to cover my truck bed more easily during the rain. I might buy a tonneau cover for the truck, so I’m not messing with the tarp and bungees. They’re not too expensive. Couple hundred bucks. We’ll see.

#2. I’m grateful to be almost in bed.

#3. I’m grateful to all you supportive people out there.

#4. I’m grateful to have heaters in cars and furnaces in houses.

#5. I’m grateful to live in a pretty darn safe place in the world.

Thanks, everyone. Hope you have wonderful dreams. 🙂

Lift the World.

~ stephen