How am I feeling…? let me take stock for a moment… I’m… hmmm… the overriding feeling at the moment is a belly stuffed too full too close to bed. π¬
And the thought that comes immediately to mind is how grateful I am that I live in a place and have the resources to have a belly stuffed so full of good food that it’ll be hard to fall asleep tonight. I’m grateful. Time to donate a little more for those who don’t enjoy what’s so plentiful in my house.
What else… I think it’s been a little harder today? But it hasn’t been a rough day, I wouldn’t say. Just a day? It’s been… many perfect moments. π
I got up about 6, which is an improvement with all my crazy hours messing up my body rhythm. I honestly… days are blending together so much that I can’t remember what happened this morning.
…
Okay, I remember now. Had a conversation with a friend of mine pretty much first thing this morning, and it lasted for a good long time. We talked about life and what what good relationships look like. That general topic (relationships) has been the topic of conversation with multiple people lately, and that’s been interesting, insightful, and motivating, among other feelings.
Though it was a really good conversation, it was hard, and to be transparent, it left me knowing that I was much more vulnerable to relapse. Accordingly, I reached out to a handful of people today and asked them if they’d check up on me a little more today, and they did. π And I was grateful.
Already feeling vulnerable to temptation in the porn arena, I managed to add sports news struggles into the mix as well. My first customer came out wearing clothing with a particular NBA team’s logos on it, and instead of ignoring it (I knew that “my team” had been doing well in the regular season, and I thought it was probably the playoffs, and I wondered what was going on), I asked him how his team was doing, and that led into a conversation about what all was going on, which has led me to want to look stuff up today.
Ugh. π
I love being free of that stuff, but man it has a draw when I’m weak. I’m not saying a person is doing something bad by enjoying sports, by the way: It’s more that in my life, there’s so much I want to do in the world, and I only have one life, and though sports are fun… they’re not what brings me joy. Helping people feel loved and happy and cared about and supported… that’s what brings joy, and joy trumps fun every day of the week. And it’s more complicated than that, but hopefully, you get my meaning.
Would you believe I actually fixed cars today? Yeah, total non sequitur. So what. π I didn’t get out until late, and I only did two cars, but hey, that’s something. Tomorrow is gonna be a marathon day, I think, as I try to plow through a mountain. It might end up being a long long long day, but I have been a little short on income as of late with the money going out and a decent clip but nothing coming back in. So… it’ll be nice to have some income.
And hey! Guess what?1?! I’ll actually be working out of my work van tomorrow!!! I moved my tools over, and there’s so. much. room!!! I’m just amazed. Even with my two huge CNG tanks in there that take up so much space, it’s just… loaded with room. It’s pretty amazing, honestly. Pretty cool, really. I don’t have a spare tire yet, and I do have to choose my routes strategically, since there’s only once gas station even remotely near me that sells CNG (35ish minutes away), so that’ll be interesting. I’ll have to watch how I schedule things and do my trips down south maybe every other day or every third day or something, or start in the north and end in the south–something like that. But it’s so cool to have all my tools and supplies loaded in and to look at it and have so much space still! It’s… fabulous. π
And just in time for my retirement. π
#1. I’m grateful to be upbeat right now after there have definitely been portions of the day that have been tough. But I’m good. This is my perfect moment.
#2. I’m grateful to have gotten my license plates and registration and everything done, so I can now use my van.
#3. I’m grateful my van has air conditioning!!! I haven’t had a work vehicle with air conditioning in… a long feaking time (yes, I know I’m a mechanic, and I have AC equipment, and I could fix my cars and make sure they have working AC, but… I just… don’t. It’s actually a decent opportunity to choose to go without things to keep myself aware of what it’s like not to have what can be easy to take for granted.
#4. I’m grateful for my mom for offering to make me dinner tonight when I was tired and coming in late from transferring all my stuff over to my work van.
#5. I’m grateful that I was able to pop my fender out enough to get the door to properly open on my new van (the fender was dented in enough that the door would catch on it ever time you opened the door.
Daily Accountability:
The Positive
- 11 Days and counting on the addiction front. Progress.
- Last night, after writing in my journal, I was triggered pretty good, and I reached out to my people. And I saw myself super determined to stay clean. Pushups, reaching out, etc. I was ready to knock on my mom’s door and wake her up (which she wants me to do, by the way, if I’m triggered, because she’s awesome).
- I keep working to keep the negative at bay. It’s not easy, but I’m doing pretty decently.
The Needs Improvement
- 12:19. I think bed time is probably top 3 biggest issues for me. It messes so many thing up.
Tired. Ready for sleep. I think… I hope, the food has settled enough to sleep. I’m still full enough that if I burp, I have to be careful that food doesn’t come up with the burp, but I’m better than I was when I first started writing. That’s for sure. Have an old friend of mine who’s dying of Huntington’s disease chatting with my on Messenger. What a sobering reminder of… so many things. That’s such an ugly ugly disease. She’s being taken to an assisted living place now. She’s… my age?
Wow.
More and more reminders to Lift the World in every way we can.
Loves and hugs, my peeps.
~ stephen
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Lift the World 