2021-08-03 — Closer to A Line

Somehow I keep sleeping in. I slept in until something like 10:30 today, I think.

Had a pretty crazy dream. Or maybe that was yesterday… Whenever it was, it was weird, and I’ve been reminded of it many times, as if it were important or something. I’d wanted to get married for so long, and then I got married in a rush… to someone I shouldn’t have married, someone I couldn’t muster any feelings for. It was awful.

It was so real.

Fortunately, not real. But… my singleness and aloneness and lack of family, wife, children, etc., has really been taking a toll lately. I know you all disagree, but It’s been really hard to feel like my life has had much of any meaning or purpose. It just feels like a waste of the best years of my life. An absolute waste. With me holding myself back because I believed in something I thought was true. I followed a path I thought was right. I did the best I could. And what was the reward?

It’s ruined my life. Absolutely ruined it. It’s cost me so much of what I wanted most. I’m just… devastated. The price I paid, at least to me personally… a wasted and lost life… for nothing in return. And what’s worse, like I alluded to or said or whatever a couple weeks ago or whenever it was, the worst part is that I have no direction I can go that doesn’t break me to pieces still. Why? Because as much as this path has ruined my life, I can’t just abandon it. Part of me still believes it’s right. And to walk away would kill me because I’d actually see myself choose to give up on something I still think could be right. And staying is killing me because I don’t have the faith to believe the path is right either and it’s ripping me apart continually choosing not to pursue what I want because I believe in a certain path.

I’m too tired to explain it in a way that makes sense or is even coherent or semi complete. I’m in no man’s land, and the options from that position are awful in every direction. That’s what I meant by feeling trapped.

It’s a hell I can’t adequately describe, though I’ve tried and failed a number of times here on this blog, though in veiled terms, as I can’t write about the actual details.

I don’t want to see myself give up. I don’t want to admit that I don’t have what it takes to continue, but I’m slipping further and further into that, and I’m close to giving up and just saying I hit the wall. This is my line in the sand. I will go no farther.

(sigh)

Hard days.

Long days.

Another long day of work. Five cars, I think. Six, but only five paid for. Well… four paid for, but the 5th is my most consistent, longest tenured customer, so I’m not worried about that one.

First car… bad engine noise… He ran it super low on oil and blew the motor. Second car, I’d replaced her belt, but the belt was a little too loose, so it was making noise, so I adjusted it. Third… battery job. Fourth finished up the radiator job that I’d started last week. Couldn’t get the tranny lines to stop leaking, though. That was frustrating. I spent I don’t know how long with that. The were just seeping just a tiny tiny bit, but still seeping. In the end, the customer was like, don’t worry about it. He’s a multi repeat customer who’s happy with me and my service and trusts me to take care of him, so that was good, at least. The last job was an overheat diagnosis. Cracked radiator. I gave a quote. Not sure if they’ll want me to fix it. We’ll see.

Hook tool slipped trying to put a grommet on the radiator, tore my hand open in a line about 2 1/2 inches long, skin shredded. Pretty gnarly. Blood everywhere.

Betterish now.

Have a guy who applied to work for me. Could actually be a good candidate for running my business for me. Thinking about it…

Found the pile of missing receipts from January I’ve been looking for. That was good. Got the trash taken up to the dumpster. That was good.

I’m really tired.

Almost 2.

Good night.

~ stephen