Really struggling today.
That’s an understatement.
I look to the heavens, and I just… don’t understand. Why this? Why? I sacrificed everything. I followed. I trusted. Why this?
I wish I could just completely stop believing that there’s a god. That would be so much easier.
So much easier.
Then I could be free, free to just let go and try to salvage some semblance of what I’d hoped for with this life.
But I can’t stop believing. I don’t fully believe. I don’t fully disbelieve. And that’s a hell I don’t even want to take the time to describe.
I thought I knew god. I thought I understood god. I thought we communicated back and forth.
I knew.
But then… everything fell apart after I’d given everything. And it just… stays apart. Stays in pieces. My reward for giving everything I had to be true to what I’d trusted in?
Losing what meant most to me.
No, everything falling apart doesn’t mean god isn’t there. That’s bad logic. But why? Why this? If he’s there, why this? This is hell.
And there’s always an answer to explain why. And it’s always plausible.
And there’s never an answer, and nothing changes.
And I’m tired of living like this. But I’m trapped because I can’t just decide to believe there isn’t a god, and I can’t just choose to believe there is one. And this limbo is hell.
Sorry… pretty low right now. Hope y’all had a better Sunday than I.
~ s
Lift the World 
I love you, Stephen. Love is God is love. Love yourself. Love this miraculous world. Let the rest go.
Thanks, Tish. I’m… working on it.
Overthinking. Something I do. It will drive you crazy. It can drive me crazy. Let go. Live your life. Do what you love. Live. Stay humble, caring, giving, kind..as you are. You are wonderful. Searching for an answer, when it may not come till the time is right. Please pull yourself out. You are so strong! So smart! So talented.
I know how you feel. I have the same struggles. Therefore…I have no answer. Just want you to be happy and fulfilled.
You got this Stephen!
Thanks, Blogreader. 🙂 I’m trying.
There most definitely is a God and He loves you. I’ve been where you are and it is one of the most tormenting places to be. Even if you can’t see God’s hand in whatever you’re going through, trust that He is still there, He’s still faithful, and all things are working together for your good. After my divorce, it took years to find God again.. only now, all these years later can I see His hand was always there, even when my soul felt as if it were in the depths of hell. Praying for you!
Thanks, Jessy. I appreciate your encouragement. 🙂
Nice picture on your intro page. I just noticed it. You’re handsome! When I read the times your are discouraged….I always think….read your intro…read again what YOU want…
“I want to spend my whole life encouraging, inspiring, lifting, loving, and serving every person with whom I come in contact. I want to be an influence for love and peace and light and… lots of other good things… as far and as wide as I possibly can. 🙂
Second only to that, and likely coming as a result of trying to do and be that, I want to become the very best person I can be–tippy top on that list being loving every person and creature with an unconditional, selfless love.”
You want to lift people when you are down ..and you do!! You go out, work, help people with needed transportation…sometimes sacrificing your energy, time, physical and mental health…just so their car is done and fixed.
You are priceless. Remember to smile…even when it’s hard.
It’s nice to read your blog earlier in the day because sometimes I can’t sleep till I can read it.