‘Tis morning, and I’ve had so many thoughts coursing through my mind–my mind just goes and goes.
…
And now it’s evening and 9 minutes to bed time. 🙃
It’s been quite the day today. Nothing major but lots of deep brain stuff. I’ll just plug along chronologically.
The day started out with my 4 a.m. wakeup call, which I did rather well. After not dropping to do my 25 pushups first thing to get my blood going yesterday, I dropped and did 30 this morning, which is decent. These are solid-form, knuckle pushups (as I have a lingering wrist injury from nearly 20 years ago now that gets aggravated every time I do just flat-hand pushups, so… I do knuckle ones, and 30 is pretty decent… for now, anyway. Would be interesting to see how many I could do. I just pick a number, and whatever that number is, the last few are hard, so maybe I should try 100. 🙃
After pushups, it was the 5x5s, and I made good progress again here and there, room stuff, house stuff, driveway stuff, and yard. Just little bits, but it’s progress. 😊 I know I’ve written this a handful of times, but if you haven’t tried doing the 5×5, I’d highly suggest it. Super powerful. Super cool… to me at least.
Then it was meditation and stretching, followed by my morning run (if you’re wondering why I’m suddenly running for my exercise, it’s because we don’t have room for exercise equipment right now, so I have nowhere to work out, and if I got a gym membership, 30 minutes of my precious morning would be taken up driving, and cardio is what I am most wanting anyway, as I’m decently strong already and have no interest in being a body builder. I want to be healthy.
Speaking of which, if you’re wondering about my body and updates, here are some:
- My tooth that they were saying probably is cracked and needs to be crowned and/or rootcanalled is… actually much much better now. I haven’t had a twinge from it in… weeks? Wahoo!
- My elbow nerve issue is a bit flared up right now.
- My chainsaw finger is steady. It’s stiff every single day and hurts a little every single day.
- My hip is still really messed up… I’m hoping it pulls a tooth (🙃) and fixes itself, but I’m not counting on it.
- What else… my hair is a lot longer, but you’ve probably seen my videos, so… that’s not anything new.
Oh! My outside 5x5s had an interesting moment. I was walking some metal parts over to the scrap metal pile, when I looked in the woods (wearing my headlamp) and saw three pairs of large glowing eyes, each about 10 feet apart staring back at me. They were only maybe two or three feet off the ground, at least so they appeared, and my light caught them at a peripheral beam, so I couldn’t see what made them. The elevation off the ground had me thinking dog or wolf or something, but I checked my fear at the door (which was pretty cool, I think… didn’t really react with much of any, if any fear (fearless, baby! 😎), turned my head more pointedly toward the glowing eyes, and they were!!!
Deer. 😴
The other sets of glowing eyes on the ground in the grass and the wood chips were the same glowing eyes as last year–garden/wolf spiders.
Fun. 😊
So I did my run this morning (sorry, squirreled), and it was actually shorter than yesterday’s, but it was more intense, I think. I went a different direction, and I thought I’d gone farther, but I guess not. I think it was only an 11-minute run after yesterday’s roughly 15-minute run.
Oh well. It was a good run either way.
It was cold outside, and that made the cold shower after the run… less desirable. But I keep doing it. Day in, day out, hot weather or cold weather, I’m gonna do that cold shower. I used to bath in snow melt up Provo Canyon in Utah, so I should be able to handle it (don’t worry, I used biodegradable soap). 🙃
As a mentioned earlier, thoughts were deep today. As I dug through various fears, including fears of not being wanted, that awoke some painful feelings, and I’ve found that heaviness return a bit after the morning as well–with a young married couple and their baby, and another customer who just got engaged, and then… me.
It’s hard.
But hard is good, and life goes on, and loneliness… is. I’ve lost what I’ve lost, and it’s passed and gone, and there’s nothing I can do.
Of a truth, though, it’s painful just to write that.
Anyway, I feel myself growing softer through this exercise, I think. Good stuff.
Tax work didn’t happen as expected this morning. A potential buyer of my GMC Terrain drove down from Missouri to look at it, so instead of taxes, I spent about an hour and a half cleaning it out because I’d listed it, but it was still a bit dirty. So I cleaned it, and then I spent probably 30 minutes showing it, and then the gentleman decided not to buy it, and that was that.
So I went in and spent a decent amount of time working on taxes, because I really just want to get this stuff done! I made some good progress. There’s light at the end of 2019 right now. Progress is being made. Good progress. Not too much farther. I hope.
I did… 5 cars today… wait… 6. No start on a 2000 Ford Ranger (transmission range sensor), Then it was a Ford… something… I think… that needed a purge valve, so I did that (same customer, and he was really happy). Then it was a Ford Escape with a sound that turned out to be just a whining power-steering pump. Then it was a car another car with a funny sound that turned out to be a warped rotor. Then it was a no start with a 2015 Lexus, which of course was just a battery because… it’s a Lexus, what else is it gonna be🙃. Last job was brake pads on an ’07 Grand Cherokee.
Good, productive day, even with the late start. Finished up the last job at 6:30, which was earlier than I thought when I left this morning given that I’d overscheduled myself. 🥳
Funny thing… So the spring loaded latch on my heavy duty pull out drawer in my van broke like a month or more ago, and I’ve been using a water outlet part wedged against the drawer and the plastic trim to keep it from slamming into the rear door with the latch broken. It’s been broken for a month plus. I tried to figure out how it worked to fix it, but no dice. Then came today when… it fixed itself.
😶
Uh… hoooooow?!?! It was completely broken, floppy, no workie at allie.
😶😶😶
But, hey, gift horse, mouth, and no more slamming into the back of the van again. I’m not gonna expect the little miracle to last very long like that, but… there you go.
Accountability (new one added):
- Bed last night at 8:30: Uh… no. I think it was close to 10. 😬 Been even lower on sleep.
- Up at 4: 😎
- 5x5s: 4 of 5, I think?
- Exercise:😎
- Cold shower: 😎😎
- Meditation: 😎
- Breakfast: 😎
- NP Work: 😎
- Tax Work: 😎
- Lunch: 😬
- Work done by 6: 6:30… good enough today, i’m gonna say.
- Dinner: 😎
- Only truly healthy foods: 😎
- No Wasted Life: 😎
- No Distracted Driving: 😎
- Faced a Fear: Uh… I know I faced multiple, but none planned, and all repeats, so I’m not gonna count them. We’ll call it a big goose egg for today. 🤦♂️🙃 We’ll kick the proverbial trash tomorrow.
- Tamed the tongue: 😎
- Bag of veggies: This starts tomorrow!
I fear nothing.
Lift the World
~ stephen
p.s. My super-late YouTube video posting will not go live until probably 10 p.m. Central time, well after I’m in bed. G’night!
Lift the World 
You desire utopia. It’s okay to fear bees. It’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay to be small. It’s okay not to say the P words. It’s okay. You are okay. How will you find a companion if you judge and scrutinize yourself so much? They won’t be perfect. None of us are perfect. Learn to love yourself….the way you are.
You are perfect. Let go, become vulnerable, accept who are…that you are perfect bc you are not perfect…because You are a perfect You!
I think you are perfect.
You enjoy writing.
Im thinking a book titled
FEAR – 40 years later. Here I am.
Thanks, Blogreader. 🙂
Believe it or not, I’m good. 🙂 I think my perspective might take people aback a little bit because I don’t come from the same place they expect me to come from? I don’t feel unworthy or less than. I don’t need any reinforcement that I am okay, that my fears are okay, that it’s okay not to be perfect (though i appreciate the concern, and I thank you for your love 🙂). I understand those things. I know I’m a good, worthy person. And more importantly, I *believe* it. 🙂
My problem is more that I believe it *too* much. 🙃
I recognize that when I talk about my struggles and goals, the vast majority of people want to reinforce me and my self worth because that’s their experience with others, that they’re down on who they actually *are* (and I applaud and reverence their efforts to lift and support), but my struggles aren’t self worth. My passion and drive aren’t to try to get to a place of being able to love and accept myself: They are a passion and drive to reach the heights of what’s *possible*, to become the very best i can become, and It’s *exciting*!!
I *do* shoot for perfection. And I *love* the pursuit. I believe, depending on one’s definition, of course, that it *is* possible!! But coming up short isn’t failure either. Life is the journey. The journey is beautiful. 🙂
I am good with me: I’m just not content to *stay* here. 🙂 There is so. much. more. that I can become compared with what I am right now, and I *hunger and thirst* after growth, but that doesn’t make who i am right now unworthy, not at all. I know I’m worthy and good here and now.
But my vision is in the stars! and I will reach it! I will fly among the stars. I’ve already begun. 🙂
So… thank you, for your concerns and desires to reinforce my worth and value 🥰. I hope what I’ve written makes sense to you. You need not worry about my self reflection and efforts to improve. It’s not about judging myself as bad: It’s about finding where i can *grow*!!! And it’s exciting to have and find places to grow! 🙂 That makes the highest peak that much higher! Which makes the views that much *broader!* Each time a new area for growth is found, it’s a little gift that says, “look how much more is possible!!! Can you see?!?!?! Can you imagine what that will be like?!?! What you’re going to see and become on this journey? Onward, brother!!! The journey is calling!!! The joys along the way are even greater than what you’d thought!!! There’s so much *more* for you to enjoy!!!”
Certainly, sometimes I’m tired and wish my growth were quicker. That’s when I focus on a destination, not the joy of growth and the joy of the journey. In those times when I’m tired or discouraged, I just want to be there. Be at the end. But that’s just because I lose perspective. And those moments, or hours, or days, or weeks, or even years will happen. I’ve certainly experienced all of those durations in discouragement. And that’s okay. Eventually, I remember who I am. Eventually I remember the beauty of the vistas ahead of me, the joy in the journey, the joy in progress. Eventually I’ll remember how much I want and love to see the new vistas as they appear.
With regard to my passion and drive to become the best me that i can become and finding someone to share my life with, that drive is not holding me back from finding someone. Not at all. There are many people who share my passion and drive to grow and become and who still love themselves as they are now while still not being content to *stay* where they are now. 😊 To me, that’s what I’m looking for in a companion. I don’t need perfection. I’m not looking for perfection. I’m just looking for that hunger, that drive and fire that comes from themselves deep down because of who they want to be. Gratefully, there are plenty with that fire, that passion, that hunger. The only reason I don’t have a companion right now is because i was trusting a particular course of life that i had felt I’d been clearly directed to follow from God, and that course precluded my going out and looking for a time–a long time. It included a particular plan where all that companion stuff is concerned, one I trusted in and followed, which, though something I believed in, nevertheless left me single and longing for companionship because I want someone to share the journey with, someone I can be one with.
I know i will find people who love my passion to improve myself. I already have. 😊 It just hasn’t quite made it to the level I’d like it to with anyone yet, but it will happen at some point. 🙂
I’m sad and surprised that you don’t feel like I’m vulnerable. To be honest, I was kind of like, “whoa… wait… what?” 🙃 I feel like I’m a pretty open book, on display for everyone to do what they want with. I feel like I’m honest with myself and share that with everyone. But i suppose if you believe my push to become is based on my trying to have worth, then i guess you’d consider it being vulnerable to be able to “finally” accept myself. I am worthy?
Please put your mind at ease if it’s concerned for me for such reasons. I’m good with me. I am worthy. I know that. I believe that. What you read, what I’m writing now. It’s me. I’m worthy as I am, and I’m excited for what is to come, for what can be!!! And when I’m down, it’s not about self worth. So please, don’t worry. 😊 My head needs more *de*flation than *in*flation. 🙃
Thanks, again, Blogreader. 😊 Given your concerns, and that they mirror those of so many others I communicate with, I might add a description in my about me page that explains where i come from, so people can understand and not be worried that I don’t feel worthy or good. My passion to grow is not to become good or worthy: It’s because I’m that utopian you mentioned. I see better versions of me available in the future. And while where i am right now is acceptable and good and worthy, yet I hunger for who i will *become*!!! I ***HUNGER*** for it!
Hope you have a beautiful day!!! 😊
Loves and hugs. 😊
~ stephen
I guess what I meant was…just as a perspective, that when you were younger the kids called you stubby and that really hit hard. That you mention being small. So I meant, let that go. Be vulnerable enough to know someone, many, will accept you the way the are. That you are perfect now.
I can see you have a lot of confidence and pride. And that you are striving to be the best you.
Gotcha. Thanks 🙂. Was just one person with that particular nickname, gratefully. I have no idea how often they used it either. I just remember it. Possible that it might have only been once. But it obviously stuck in my brain. Fortunately, that fear doesn’t stop me from getting to know someone. 🙂 So no need to worry for me there. 🙂 And i honestly don’t know how I… measure up 🙃 (not 100%, anyway). I was a prepubescent, I believe, when I experienced those events. In my fears, over the years, I’ve learned about size averages and whatnot, and part of me wants to share what i learned, but that desire is fear based, and I’m here to get over fear, not avoid it, so it would be less effective of me to say more in detail, i think, right now. Anyway, thanks, for the encouragement!!! I appreciate you walking this journey with me and lifting me along the way. 😊 And don’t worry, this fear isn’t stopping me from finding a companion. 😊