I’ve done much of this already over the years, but I’m starting over, as I think doing it this way and to this depth will add significant value to my understanding and help get me to zero hour, fear free. I’ve also never dug all the way through all my fears. So this will be a crucial, essential first.
I’m afraid of:
- Coming to the end of my life and seeing that I didn’t give everything I had throughout my life, that I gave less than 100%. That I let fear or laziness or anything get in the way of doing and becoming everything I could do and become.
- Why does that scare you? Because of the feeling I’d have. The massive regret and disappointment in myself–knowing that I had so much more to give, but that I didn’t give it–that I let pride or fear or entertainment or whatever else get in the way instead of giving the soul to the world that I was born to give the world.
- Why are you afraid of that feeling? Because there’s nothing I’ll be able to do to make up for it. The time is lost. The opportunities are lost. There would be no time left to fix it or make up for it. I won’t be able to do right by myself or by others. The good I could have done has been lost forever.
- Why does that scare you? Because I will have wasted my one precious life when I had so much to give and so much to become.
- Why does that scare you? I think this becomes circular at this point. It’s just the feeling of regret, the recognition of wasted opportunity, and knowing that I wasn’t, I did not become, I did not do what I was capable of doing/becoming.
- There might be an additional aspect to this–not leaving a legacy to be proud of and wanting to leave one, a legacy that people look up to, that I’ve left a legacy such that people look up to me, revere me, put me on a pedestal. This is actually quite secondary, almost an afterthought. But, given my other struggles that I’ll write below, it’s probably accurate to at least a small degree. I’ll touch upon it more below when I face that fear to its core.
- Bees (well, getting stung)
- Why? I’m afraid of the pain (I suppose I don’t really look forward to the long-term allergic itch. I swell up pretty good, and it itches pretty badly, but I’m not actually thinking about the itch when I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the painful sting). It also might be because of a history of being stung as a child and young man? I remember being stung by a big bumble bee as like a 3 year old. I was standing on the manure pile without a shirt on by our garden in Connecticut with an open-face slice of bread with honey on it, I believe. And if I remember correctly, there was a bumble bee zipping around, and then it came right at me and stung me in the stomach. That might have been the beginning of my fear of bees? That’s my earliest bee memory, anyway.
- Why am I afraid of the pain? Uh… That’s a good question. 🙃 It doesn’t really hurt that badly. This one might be more irrational/based on a disproportionate reaction to the possibility of pain that isn’t really very bad anyway? I’ve dealt with significant pain on a number of occasions–kidney stone, digging out infected in-grown toenails, and a bee sting isn’t much to deal with, honestly. Quick pinch… then very little.
- If you add to it the possibility of dealing with a swarm of bees attacking, that ups the anti to fear of death, which is another fear but won’t be addressed right here.
- Any stinging/biting creature that can inflict pain and/or do serious harm.
- Why? I think this is similar to the bee sting: I have a disproportionate reaction. However, when you add other creatures to the mix, those that can cause me significant injury or death, that changes a little. Mostly, the fear is of physical pain, I think–intense physical pain, or prolonged physical pain, or both. There is also a real fear of death.
- Why am I afraid of the pain? It hurts, the sensation of pain, especially significant pain is… awful. It can be consuming. And it’s even worse when I know it’s going to happen but don’t know when, or when I don’t know how long it’ll last. I don’t think there’s anything more to say about it. It hurts. Hurting sucks.
- Torture falls under this umbrella, as well, though to a much deeper degree, and I’ll address that in its own section (I’m afraid to even write this because there’s the possible (though highly unlikely) fear that someone could use this against me and torture me because they know it’s one of my worst fears. We’ll get to that, though.
- Dying.
- Why am I afraid of death? I think a lot of my fear of death is about the fear of it being a painful death, and I guess I’ve already explained my fear of pain. I think that’s a big part of the fear of death? Having it be painful; But there’s also the fear that… what if it’s the end? What if I actually cease to be? That I really am just a random accident in a meaningless universe of existence.
- Why are you afraid to cease to be? Because I want to keep living–me. My as an individual with desires, love, memories, connections, etc. I want existence to go on. I want to keep learning, loving, sharing, experiencing, improving, helping.
- Why are you afraid to no longer be able to share, experience help? I guess some of it depends on the realities of eternity. If there’s a loving god who really is in charge of everything and is keeping watch over the universe, then I wouldn’t be worried at all. But if there’s nothing after this life, I would fear the world not having me, having to go on without this person who cares so much about everyone, cares so much about helping the world. The world could use as many people as it can possibly get who truly want to help and make the world a better place.
- So let’s assume you are going to cease to be, what are your choices about how you can feel about it?
- So let’s assume you are going to cease to be, what are your choices about how you can feel about it?
- People not liking me/thinking poorly of me. This is, by far, my biggest fear with easily the largest number of manifestations.
- Why am I afraid of people thinking poorly of me? Because I want everyone to like me, or at least everyone who’s opinion will be respected by others. I don’t so much worry at all about the opinions of those that others don’t pay attention to.
- Why do you fear having people not like you? Because then they won’t think I’m amazing. They won’t put me on a pedestal.
- Why are you afraid of people not putting you on a pedestal? Because I want to be revered.
- Why are you afraid of not being revered? Because then I won’t be on top, won’t be the greatest ever, and neither will people listen to what I want to share.
- Why are you afraid of not being on the top? Because, and this is the prideful part of me, I want to be the most special person out there in everyone’s eyes (well, again, everyone’s eye’s unless people don’t care about that particular individual’s opinions. (there’s fear writing this because it exposes an internal battle I have with my pride, and I don’t want to be judged an awful person for my internal prideful struggles, but I don’t want to hide or run from the truth either. I have love in me, and I have pride/selfishness in me. The love is beautiful. The pride is ugly. I try to make sure the love wins, but the pride does sometimes, that pride is nearly always an influence, I believe. I’m working to extinguish all pride, but in the meantime, the fear is real, and I want to dig to its core, so I can deal with it optimally according to what I want most, which is to be free of pride and to love perfectly.)
- Why are you afraid of not being the most special? My pride would say, because then I don’t get to have everyone believe and acknowledge that I’m better than everyone else in the most important ways.
- Why are you afraid of not being acknowledged and revered by everyone as better than everyone else in the most important ways? Because then I won’t get to revel in the fact that I am the greatest, and everyone else believes it too. (pride talking)
- Why are you afraid of that? I think this is the point where it gets circular. It’s the feeling of being on top. That’s it–the feeling. I am the greatest! You all believe it too, but you also all love me, too. Like… I’m god, basically, but one everyone loves.
- ***The funny thing is the fear is based in a core desire that I don’t even want–to be on top. Certainly, part of me wants it (the prideful part), and part of me doesn’t (the loving part), and I want the loving part to snuff out the rest). But if I think about it logically, I don’t want to be on top anyway, because that’s a lonely place. And I want peers, not subordinates (perhaps that’s one reason for god, in LDS doctrine anyway, wants to help his children become like him, so he has peers). I want to connect, not rule. So the fear is, almost… irrational? because it’s a fear of not getting something I don’t want anyway (though a part of me does want it… it’s… an interesting dichotomy). One crucial truth right now, though, is that there is still quite enough pride in me to make it really tempting to want everyone to basically worship me, and that’s what’s causing the fear–as best as I can tell. So any circumstance, any experience, any event that my brain can turn into an audition for being everyone’s god then has the fear of falling short of wowing them and lifting me up in their view.
- Another part of it the fear of having people think poorly of me, or anything less than great, is a fear that is actually not rooted in pride, but more in the love side of things is being afraid I won’t be able to make the differences I want to make because if people don’t like me, they won’t listen to me, and if they won’t listen to what I have to share, then there’s nothing I can really do to help.
- Why are you afraid to not be able to make the difference you want to make? There’s a battle here, too. Part of me looks at all the work and all the heartache and all the pain and all the indifference and… doesn’t want to go change the world, just wants to go to my haven in the country and enjoy the land and the world and the people I have relationships with and just… enjoy it–away from the loud, angry, greedy world. But… I can’t. It’s just not my nature to be able to be comfortable living that simple life when I know I could be a blessing to others, that I could change the world, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to deal with the pain and hard work.
- So part of it is the regret, the same as looking back and knowing I didn’t do everything I could have, that I wasted my life, and we’ve already taken that one back to its core. I would hate the feeling of a wasted, selfish life that didn’t come close to what i was capable of.
- Part of it is I wouldn’t be able to see hope and love and energy and happiness light up the eyes of so many people I could inspire.
- Why are you afraid to not be able to make the difference you want to make? There’s a battle here, too. Part of me looks at all the work and all the heartache and all the pain and all the indifference and… doesn’t want to go change the world, just wants to go to my haven in the country and enjoy the land and the world and the people I have relationships with and just… enjoy it–away from the loud, angry, greedy world. But… I can’t. It’s just not my nature to be able to be comfortable living that simple life when I know I could be a blessing to others, that I could change the world, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to deal with the pain and hard work.
- THE PLAN!!!!
- Two simple truths: Part of me wants to be god stephen. A bigger part of me wants to love everyone and share everything, to lift and serve and love. It is the bigger part of me that must be fed, as the old proverb of the wolves teaches. So,
- Step #1: When I feel fear about what someone else might be thinking about me, I will remind myself, I. don’t. want. to. be. on. top. I. want. peers–equals, companions!
- Step #2: when I feel fear about what someone might be thinking about me, I will focus on the love I have for them and what I want for them (happiness, peace, joy, love, light, learning). Hush the fear, and focus on the love. (Side Note: It’s interesting: I have heard it said since I was a child, “Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about you.” I hear people say all the time. “I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me.” I disagree wholeheartedly, passionately with that statement. That statement comes from a selfish place–thinking about me me me, how everything effects me. But if we’re love, then we do care about what other people think of us. But the important kicker. We don’t care for our sake, but for their sakes. We love them, and so we hope that they are choosing understanding, compassion, kindness, giving the benefit of the doubt, etc. We want their joy and happiness, and we know that how we look at and treat others has a massive influence on our own joy and happiness, and we want them to look on others with love and compassion. So we do care, but not for our own sake, not for our reputation, no–for their sake.) Long side note. 🙃 As I write this, I’m reminded of the biblical teaching that “Perfect love casteth out all fear. He who fears is not made perfect in love.”
- Two simple truths: Part of me wants to be god stephen. A bigger part of me wants to love everyone and share everything, to lift and serve and love. It is the bigger part of me that must be fed, as the old proverb of the wolves teaches. So,
- Why are you afraid to lose your dream? Part of it is almost certainly that
- MANIFESATIONS OF THE FEAR OF WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU
- Performing in public (drawing attention to myself in ways that open me up for more intense scrutiny). Because if I mess up or don’t massively impress, I won’t be put on the pedestal.
- Having people think I’m not good at something. People won’t put me on that pedestal. They’ll think I’m average or worse. They won’t ask me or want me to do that thing again, and if it’s something I want to do, a dream, etc., then I’ll have lost that dream, and I won’t be able to do what I want to do. Part of it, I think, is fear that they won’t see that I really amazing because I messed up or something.
- Saying/writing the word penis (or any of the parts that make up male/female genitalia). Even hearing the words I get a little uncomfortable/embarrassed.Why? If I visualize myself in conversation using those words, I’m embarrassed, that’s the overarching feeling–fear of others thinking I’m weird for 1. talking about it, and 2. using the actual terms.
- MANIFESATIONS OF THE FEAR OF WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU
- People thinking I’m unattractive:
- Why? Oh boy, lots of reasons.
- I don’t want to be alone, and I’m afraid no one will want to be with me because they aren’t attracted to me.
- Why are you afraid to be alone? I think there might be a bunch to this. I think there’s a fear that no one will want me–exacerbated by the fact that I’ll be 40 in a month.
- Why would you be afraid of no one wanting you? I want to be loved, adored, to my soul, for everything about me, and I don’t want to be unattractive to my spouse. I want to be physically attractive to her, so she enjoys looking at me and physically being with me.
- I also worry that people won’t listen to me because I’m not attractive. Attractive people seem to get the attention, in preference over unattractive (when there are choices)
- I don’t want to be alone, and I’m afraid no one will want to be with me because they aren’t attracted to me.
- I think my face is unattractive. Well, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. But overall, it’s certainly a pretty good-sized fear. (by the way, if you’re reading this, please don’t rush in with any, not even a single reassuring word about my looks. This is about overcoming fear. Any reassuring words about how I actually am attractive, etc., will not help me to overcome the fear. At best, they will only help me avoid this particular manifestation of a deeper fear. I want to face my fears, not find ways to avoid them. I’m not explaining myself well, I don’t think, but I hope you understand. Avoiding the circumstance that brings the fear is not growth. If people convince me that I’m attractive, and I stop worrying about it. I have overcome nothing. The lack of fear is not growth: It’s the illusion of growth. The underlying fear remains, but hidden. But if 5 years later, I find myself in a disfiguring accident, what shall come? Oh yes, that old friend fear returns because it was never actually overcome. It was avoided. Now I get to face my fears. Or I can try again to avoid. Perhaps I can find the best plastic surgeon in the world to restore me. Then I’ll have confidence again, and I’ll be attractive again, but no. That’s not growth, not at all. Growth would be truly being okay with others thinking I’m unattractive. Hope that makes sense.
- Why is
- My yellow teeth
- My Penis size
- Why? Oh boy, lots of reasons.
- Having people who I want to be friends of mine or to be my significant other thinking I’m boring.
- Spending my life alone, without a companion to share in the adventures of life or joining me in my quest of making the world a better place.
- The possibility that I could be violent with another human being or creature.
- Having people who’s opinions of me I value think anything less of me than that I am an amazing, fabulous human being. These people could be ones I’ve known my whole life or people I’ve never even met before, just that I happen to value their opinion of me for whatever reason.
- Not getting to the place financially where I can support myself completely on passive income, so I can spend the rest of my life serving others.
- Having my customers think ill of me.
- Having anyone think ill of me. I guess this is a repeat. It’s a huge one for me.
- My life being short.
- My anger hurting people.
- The things I’ve done and/or the things I’ve been accused of doing/being in the past coming back to reduce or halt my ability to lift the world.
- Letting people down.
- Looking awkward in some activity
- Talking to women I find to be attractive
- Meeting new people
- People not liking me and/or not wanting to be around me.
- Having been wrong in my belief that there is a creator and that I’ve communicated with him.
- Having been wrong in my understanding of what I felt the creator communicated to me.
- People thinking that I am the worst things I’ve done.
- Giving a huge effort to lift the world and being ignored or looked at like “how sweet, look at the little child try” and not really being able to make a difference because people won’t care, or won’t really listen to me because I’m nobody to them, and they don’t think what I have to share/give is worth giving real time, energy, and effort to.
- Asking people for the money they owe me.
- Having my family members feel like I have an ulterior motive when I talk to them.
- Having my physical injuries hold me back from things I want to do in my life.
- Having some of the ailments I have turn out to be serious issues that hold me back and/or cause chronic pain/issues.
- Not becoming who I want to become.
- Having issues with my teeth that are expensive or embarrassing to me.
- Having a negative interaction with someone
- Being dishonest with someone.
- Facing up to having been dishonest with someone.
- My existence as myself ending at death.
- Having hard jobs turn into nightmares where I’m just struggling to… put one wrench in front of the other and would pay the customer to just let me leave and throw up the white flag and be done.
- The work of becoming what I want to become taking so so so so so so so long because I’m just that… far away.
- Having… inconsequential things take precious time from my short life. Life. Is. So. Short!
- Needles (of any impending painful experience).
- Making poor financial choices and handcuffing myself for the future.
- Not having the perfect username on my social media profiles.
- Not having the perfect NonProfit organization name and URL.
- Having lost opportunities in the past and feeling like I might not get them again.
- ***
- My impatience hurting people.
- Not being romantically interested in someone, even my wife, because I don’t find her physically attractive.
- Staying the kind of person who has an attraction bias (i think maybe I’m more patient with/want more to be around, etc, people I find attractive?)
- People knowing my struggles and judging me as being a bad person because of them/thinking less of me because of them.
Lift the World 