Hey y’all. I’m starting to get better with the one sickness, though still sick. But now I’m over the edge with my other issue.
So yeah, still feeling pretty nasty.
But there’s a deeper issue that’s getting clearer and clearer. The more time goes by, the more I think I’m realizing that I may well be constitutionally incapable of getting past what’s happened these last 12 years, moreso these last 7. The way my emotions work. The way my brain works. It’s like… I just know I’m never going to figure out how to get past it all.
I’m stuck, and I’m never gonna be free again. It’s a daily haunting, and there are no answers. And I’ve chosen a direction despite not having any answers, and I’m trying to move forward down that path, but it doesn’t help at all. The hell still invades my mind every day of my life.
There’s nothing that anyone else can do for me. This is a problem in my own brain. It’s just how my mind works. I don’t think any set of circumstances could have more perfectly ruined me and my life than this has. It’s like the universe knew exactly how to break me, and it succeeded spectacularly.
I fully expect the the rest of my life will be dealing with this nightmare that has no answers, that continues to press against me all day every day.
It is hell. I wish it would end, but it won’t. And I can’t stop it. And no one else can either.
I’m not even me anymore. There are little bits of me still in there, But I’m not happy anymore. I haven’t been for years and years. I don’t have fun anymore. I don’t even really know how anymore. My dreams of making the world a better place… they’re still there, but my resiliency… is almost nonexistent. I can’t withstand the obstacles well anymore. I keep trying. But I’m failing. And I’m quickly losing hope that I can make the difference I wanted to make.
I’m tired of this life, folks. I pull out of the darkness and get hopeful for a while. I get really positive, and then bam. I get hit again, and I don’t have any resiliency to withstand it. Little hits knock me over…
I have so little left. I don’t feel like I have any real purpose left on earth. I feel like my life is meaningless.
I’m not explaining it very well.
Good night.
Lift the World 
Ouch. I feel the pain. But please understand…you are not alone. One day…the light will shine through. You are wonderful.
Thx, Blogreader. I appreciate your encouragement.
Oh, Stephen, you are explaining it very well. If you read your past blogs, there is a very definite pattern of high highs and low lows. This is hereditary and shared by your father and some of your siblings. Modern medicine is not evil. Nor is it a miracle for everything. It doesn’t have all the answers. But it can help put you on an even playing field for working out your life’s challenges. I love you. My heart aches for you. Set aside your “I can do this alone” ego and get the help good people have spent decades of their lives training to give. There are people out there who can help you lift your world. Ask yourself what’s stopping you from letting them.
I appreciate your love and desire to help. I know you think you know what’s going on. I know what the patterns look like. I’m keenly aware of that every time i go to write an entry. It’s pretty clear how people are going to interpret it, and i don’t even want to write sometimes because i know what it’s going to get people to think. But this isn’t what you think it is. This isn’t medical. This isn’t ego. And i don’t expect any of you to understand why it’s not since i haven’t told you the details of what’s been going on and what’s still happening.