Good morning! Yes, my fingers are actually tickling the keys in the morning for a change! Been a while. 🙃 Having gone to bed really early, I was able to get up on time and actually get back to my old schedule. So I got up about 3:30, and I dove right in to the 5x5s, meditation, exercise, motivational speeches, etc.
It hasn’t been easy, though. Emotionally, it’s been a tad challenging to push past all the thoughts in my head that are tapping away at me–the voices that say “why try, it’s all just gonna fail and fall apart like it always has anyway.”
The motivational speeches have helped with that a bit, but it’s still hard.
Where along the line did I become the kind of person who gets blown over by the slightest breeze instead of standing strong? I used to be able to get up so quickly and just push forward, optimistically. I guess it’s just the result of everything that’s happened these last several years–having everything fall apart again and again and again. I guess I’ve just lost faith and hope–in many ways.
I’d like to say that my frequent bouts of discouragement and my running away from life isn’t me, but… it is. Sure, it’s been the hardest years of my life with many devastating experiences, but it’s me who’s letting my fears and my negative thinking about my lost hopes and dreams beat me to an almost helpless state.
I can’t say this isn’t me. It is. It just took a lot of pain to uncover what I’m made of, and… it’s not what I’d hoped. Fortunately, at least hopefully, I can change. That’s the goal.
Onward.
…
‘Tis evening now, and I just got back from work. I started late (spending a lot of time trying to get some tax stuff figured out that I thought was a bit of a debacle but turned out to be ok. Spent like 4 1/2 hours on that this morning after my normal morning routine.
Anyway, started late and ended late and didn’t get much done for the time I put in because I spent more time than I should have with certain jobs (and I didn’t charge for my extra time this time). I think I started working about… 12:30 and finished about 6 or so. Only did 3 1/2 billable hours, so It wasn’t much, but it’s sufficient for my needs. First car was a pre-purchase inspection on a 2015 Mercedes wagon. That one took almost two hours, but it was my fault it took so long. Next one was an alternator replacement for a 2009 Honda Pilot. Lastly was a no start on a 2009 Lincoln MKZ. He’d put something like 15 extra quarts of oil in it (he’s lucky he didn’t ruin the motor–very lucky). I thought that’s what I was going to find when I got there, but the reason it wouldn’t start was that the battery was pretty much completely drained down. I drained out a massive amount of oil, and then I jumped his car, and he was good to go (well, I cleaned his really corroded battery cables).
So now I’m home. It’s 7:18. I’m really tired, and I’m gonna eat and go to bed.
Nice to feel like I’m getting back on my schedule (though honestly, there’s a big part of me right now that doesn’t want to be back on my schedule but wants to just vege the night away wasting time on useless things–running away).
We won’t do that, though.
Hope y’all have a wonderful evening.
Love to all.
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 