Hola folks. 🙂
You know, vacations are nice. I had a wonderful time overall. It was wonderful to be enjoying company with one of my best friends ever. John is one of the best human beings I know.
The trip was also hard in some ways. Seeing how much John loves his wife and family, how in love they are after nearly 15+years together. Watching him chat with his wife every night when we got back to the hotels, how excited he was to talk to her, share the events of the day with her.
It was awesome to be there; but it was also hard. I had a lot of fun on the trip, but as we all know, fun isn’t happiness. It’s hollow without joy to rest it upon, and broken little me can’t seem to mend.
I’ll get there. I hope. I need to get the financial monkey off my back, but it’s so easy to just try to numb out in front of screens, running away from the fear and pain.
I’m trying, though.
There’s a line from one of the more recent star wars movies that I guess I’m sort of trying to apply. Funny, it comes from the villain.
“Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.”
There’s so much pain, so much anger, so much love, so much fear… all wrapped up in a little bundle from my past that invades and haunts and runs my life.
“Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.”
I’m trying to figure out how… if that’s even the best thing to do.
Didn’t fix any cars today. Barely left my room. Small victories when I was able to get myself to leave my room. Mostly finished the mountain of laundry. Got the fender flares back on my mom’s car for her. Made a tiny bit of progress on my busted Nissan Sentra out there. Made a tiny bit of progress on all the financial stuff.
Walking away from projects this big makes it so hard to come back. I forget what I’ve done, even though I’ve been working on it for so long and taking notes and whatnot… I lose so much time trying to get back into the groove and get rolling on it again. Gotta get it done. Gotta.
Well, that was cheery, eh?
I’m still making progress, so that’s something. Probably doesn’t seem like it. I saw growth in myself while on the trip. That was good.
Onward we go.
Love to all.
~ stephen
Lift the World 