I slept in a little later this morning, as it was cloudy, so the sudden didn’t bake the car as soon as it came up. I think it was 9 something before I finally got up for the last time.
One of the first things that I did was check the news, where I saw stories about the likelihood that the Federal reserve will up interest rates by another point in the next week or two. That reignited the mini panic that I have financially as I watch interest rates climb so fast and inflation at the same time.
It’s like the ’70s all over again, with me seemingly always on the wrong end of the financial decisions. I’m really good at making money, but apparently not very good at figuring out what to do with it. Or at least.. not very good at figuring out when to use it.
Anyway, so I was panicking a good bit at the prospect of another full point rate raise and me unprepared for it. My whole life is an upheaval. I have no idea where I want to be geographically. I’m working on transitioning away from mechanics, but I’m transitioning toward something that doesn’t make much money, so it doesn’t make much sense to go trying to buy a house when I might not have the income to support the house after I buy it.
And if I do buy it, I don’t want to be stuck wherever it is that I buy if the market tanks and I end up upside down in the house and have to wait for the market to come back up or face losing a whole ton of money.
In the past, I’ve chatted with one of my brothers many times about finances, buying a house, etc. So in my mini panic, I called him again, but very quickly he was able to figure out that there was a lot more going on than just what to do with my money as I watch inflation reduce its value day after day.
The short of it is that I spend a good portion of the morning and afternoon in tears trying to work through so many of the pains. I really appreciate the way my brother is able to listen and understand without assuming he knows or making judgments.
We talked for hours, me mostly going through a number of the different facets of the circumstances that I find myself in and why.
As much as I’m afraid to give god a chance again, so to speak, I can’t deny that I’ve had spiritual experiences that have no logical explanation that were absolutely accurate. And my brain is a logical brain through and through. Nor can I deny that the peace that I’ve experienced in my life is greatest when I have tried to follow the god that I thought I knew personally and trusted in.
The pain was so great today that despite my veritable PTSD at even the thought of facing going back to believing in god and risking being willing to trust again, one of the main reasons I haven’t is because I’m afraid that god will just tell me that I was on the right path all along. That’s seemingly what the message has been for so many years. But I don’t want that to be true because it doesn’t ever yield what I want most.
There’s a lot more to it than that, but I don’t really want to go into it all again.
Anyway, so I’m more seriously contemplating giving god a chance again.
Gosh, there’s so much to all this.
I’m trying to be open to absolutely everything. god, no god. Right in what I thought I knew, wrong and what I thought I knew. Right in part of what I thought I knew, wrong in part of what I thought I knew. And so many other areas of understanding and innumerable possibilities.
It’s hard.
After my conversations both in the morning and afternoon with my brother, I went to see top gun Maverick with my other brother, a sister, a couple of nieces and a nephew. We had a lot of fun, and it was a great experience. We stopped off at the first Brothers house to drop off his son, my nephew, and we all stayed a little while and laughed and shared stories and the fun experience together.
Not to be a downer, but it’s still very hard to see others with their children, wanting so much to have that experience myself–the love, the joy, the fun experiences together. I long for that. So as always, it was a great experience, and also challenging.
After probably one of the most painful days in recent memory, overall, it turned out to be a good day. Good memories, good experiences, good conversation with one of my brothers.
Grateful for my siblings. I know they all love and care about me and have given their hearts in their efforts to help me.
I feel like I’ve climbed out of the trough just a little bit and I’m sitting on the edge. I could very easily slide right back in, or I might be able to crawl a little bit further out. Hoping to crawl a bit further out.
Hard decisions coming. Very hard decisions.
Hope you all had a beautiful day.
Love and hugs.
Lift the World
~ stephen
Lift the World 