I think today I’m just pretty much numb. Yesterday, I woke up with a weird stomach ache. It was the kind I get when I have a soda on an empty stomach first thing in the morning. It’s a high-stomach pain, just below the diaphragm that radiates into the upper chest. I used to have it happen in junior high when I’d have a Mountain Dew on an empty stomach first thing in the morning. If I didn’t eat something, the ache would last for a good long time.
So for a good chunk of my drive to Little Rock yesterday, I had pain and radiating sensation. After I ate something, I felt better. But I dealt with it a bit more later in the day, a few times feeling the sensation, not understanding what was going on.
Then this morning, I woke up again in pain with that same sensation. I don’t have a clue why I had the thought, but for some reason, I thought that maybe changing the side I was sleeping on might alleviate the pain.
It did.
Oddly.
I fell back asleep.
When I got up, having slept a little longer than usual, I had the same stomach ache again. It was worse than yesterday, but it went away for a little bit, but it came back and would go in and out.
Then while I was on a job, I bent over to pick something up, and it hit me really hard out of the blue, and I immediately got nauseous. Like a bolt of lightning, the nausea came on so quickly.
The pain also came hard and radiated up into my chest.
The first thing that popped into my head, and I don’t know how on earth it came in, but the first thing that I thought was that I had a hiatal hernia. I couldn’t even remember what a hiatal hernia actually was, but that popped into my brain out of nowhere, and after dealing with some pretty good pain on and off the rest of the day, and then pain with every swallow at dinner, and several other symptoms popping up that all fit having a hiatal hernia, well… that seems to be the issue.
And at this point, I’m just… nearly numb. It’s just so ridiculous to have so many things happening all at once. I almost don’t even care anymore. It’s like, of course this is gonna happen. What else would I expect? My joints hurting so badly that I can’t stay focused (was a bit better today, though, better than yesterday, at least… I think). All the gazillions of things going on. My broken right hand. My screwed up left thumb (in two places), my right hip… On and on and on I could list stuff…
And now this. I’m just numb.
And I’m tired. Very tired.
So much going on.
And now this. Right before my trip.
It’s like my life is tragic comedy. I mean, you can barely make this stuff up.
On a positive note, after I paid the roughly $400 penalty interest bill I owed, the woman in charge of my request for tax-penalty waiver waived the rest of the penalty. I don’t really know how much the total was, but that saved me something like $1600 to $2000ish dollars. So that was nice. I wasted a day of work and a heck of a lot of gas going down there, which was a pretty big hit to the wallet right there, but I got it all taken care of and done and therefore didn’t have any concerns of “did the mail actually get there, or did it get lost?” I don’t have to wait around for however long to get an update mailed to me.
So that was nice.
Another nice thing was that tax liens aren’t reported to credit card companies, so my credit score won’t be affected.
Unfortunately, though, tax liens are public record, so if I decide to buy a house, the bank can see that I had multiple tax liens against me (which I had no idea about). Everything is paid now, but it’ll take 30 days to remove the lien. What I don’t know is if the history of the lien remains public record or if it’s only public record when it’s active.
And why are tax liens public record?
Good gravy.
Anyway… I likely won’t be buying a house before I go on my trip, so the liens will be gone by the time I get back–if I can even go on my trip. This hernia thing came on so quickly.
I’m… so numb I’m not even dejected. I’m just… occupying space, nearly emotionless. Earlier, I was almost between laughing and crying. It’s just so ridiculous that it’s funny. Except it’s also incredibly discouraging.
It’s almost midnight.
I’m really tired.
I trained Malaki on using my phone today to run the scheduling/communication part of the business, and then I left him with it. I think he’s more than capable. It’ll be a pretty large learning curve to get everything figured out, but I’m confident he will. So… I don’t have my work phone on me for the first time in… years. I’ve always at least had it, and I’d sent messages to customer saying I wasn’t in town if I was out of town on a trip, etc., but this time it’s different. I simply don’t have the phone, and Malaki is the one running the show. He’s got a ton to learn–what questions to ask in different situations, etc. But he’ll figure it out and do great.
The tree service isn’t getting going as quickly as I’d hoped. We’re two weeks into it, and I’m bleeding money pretty badly. The concept is solid. The work is there. But there are challenges and complications I haven’t run into before that I don’t really have control over if I’m going to let it be what it’s going to be.
Gotta get to bed.
I tell you, that old saying about how much the riches of the world matter nothing when you’ve lost your health… so true. Man, I wish I had a healthy body.
Pain and limitations.
And I don’t even have near what so many others do. In comparison, I’m just a whining spoiled brat.
Thanks, for all your love and support. I’ve received messages from multiple of you all. My love back to you. Please know that where I’m at and how I feel and what I’ve expressed about life and whatnot… isn’t because I don’t feel loved. I do feel loved and know I am. Nor is it because I think I’m a bad person. I think I’m a good person (significantly flawed, but still a very good person). It’s simply that life isn’t… attractive anymore… isn’t desirable.
Don’t worry. I’m not planning anything. I’m not gonna leave people to try to sort through my financial accounts and assets to figure out what to do with things. That wouldn’t be kind at all. Were I to continue down the path I’m on, I’d get everything in my life buttoned up first–wills and beneficiaries and all that jazz.
So… nothing imminent. No worries. I’m sane. Just… not… feeling like life is worth all the emotional and physical pain. But who knows, as I told a family member earlier today, perhaps my trip down under will include a little walkabout. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll bring with it a miracle, and I’ll come back changed somehow, more hopeful for a beautiful life.
Love and hugs. 😊
Lift the World
~ stephen
Lift the World 