It’s 9:34 in the morning. I just finished watching a movie I started last night. My stomach is unhappy with me, and my brain wonders if the discomfort is doing lasting damage. There’s a slight ache… the semblance of nausea… and some mild heartburn, I think.
I’m already acclimatizing, as though it were a new normal, I think. But I ought not to just acclimatize. I ought to see if there’s something that can be done. Were I someone I care about, I’d be combing through the interwebs, looking for answers, trying to find a way to solve the issue and return my loved one to comfort.
And I don’t mean to say I don’t care about myself: I’m just tired. Tired of doctors who rarely find answers. Tired of spending thousands of dollars, only to have to find my own answers eventually anyway because doctors never take enough time to figure issues out. So… I don’t go, and right now I’m still almost in that numb state. I have so much to do and not enough time to do it in. I’m swamped. But being numb, the anxiety of my circumstances has melted away into… near apathy. I know I have a lot to do, but I’m fairly shut down. I need to move forward. Need to figure out how to get going. So much has to get done before I leave in two weeks.
Last night my stomach symptoms seemed gone. For an hour our so, maybe, and I had the naivete to hope that maybe it was just a little thing that was now over (contrary to what all the symptoms are pointing to). But no, reality hits this morning again, as I wake up with issues, roll over, try to go back to sleep, sleep a little longer but wake up again, unable to find a way to stop the discomfort.
So I’m sitting in my recliner with my laptop on my… lap. 🙃 And I’m trying to figure out what I need to do and when… the order of the priorities. So much needs to be done. So much. I’m not prepared at all for my trip. And I don’t know if my body can handle it. We’ll see (sigh).
I probably ought to go to a doctor tomorrow, if I can even get in. As I’ve been sitting here this morning, my symptoms have been getting worse and worse, the pain traveling higher and higher.
I wish there were walk-in clinics where people could just pay for the test I want. “I’d like a barium swallow with chest x-ray, please.”
Yesterday… yesterday Malaki ran the phones for his first time, and it was a little bit of a slower day, it appears, which was probably nice for him. We’re approaching the slowest part of the year, so it’s a great time to be learning how to do all this stuff, I think. He did, I think, five jobs yesterday, all at the higher pay rate since he’s taking over. I need to get more of a contract put into place, so it’s not just a shake-hands deal, so to speak, and so everything is clearly spelled out in writing as far as how it’s going to work–pay wise.
I did three cars, later in the afternoon, as it wasn’t clear just yet how things were going to be with the schedule, whether it was going to be slow, or whether there was going to be plenty to do for Malaki and some for me, which is what turned out to be the case.
I got home relatively late, the last job done after dark, followed by a quick trip to the grocery store as I was basically already in the parking lot to do the last job.
Once home, I ate dinner with my mom. I think? I can’t remember. I think I did. So much going on in my brain that it’s always over full now and can’t hold everything it’s taking in.
Well, it’s after 10 (a.m., that is), and the only thing I’ve done that’s been productive is watch some YouTube videos from various medical people about hiatal hernias–the Mayo Clinic video easily being the most helpful.
(sigh)
I just want to rest–have a day without responsibilities. Have a day where someone else isn’t depending on me for their livelihood. That’s the cruddy thing about having employees. My friend Cory asked me about that when I started looking for employees again. He reminded me of the stress I went through worrying about making sure the employee had enough work.
By myself, there’s much less stress. I make enough money for my needs, and if I don’t want to work, I don’t have to. I can just take days off.
Well, folks, I’ll catch you later. Maybe I’ll write tonight. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know. I’m struggling significantly, but choosing to sit here and be unproductive today has consequences that harm others, so I can’t do that right now.
Catch y’all soon…
Lift the World
~ stephen
Lift the World 