2022-11-07 — Not With It

I’m… on the edge of full meltdown.

I tried so hard to just take a breath and tell myself, each time yet another thing came up, that it was all gonna be ok.

I was successful a decent number of times, but I… I’m losing it.

I’m in a near-constant state of significant stress and worry. I have a mountain of things i need to do, but i can’t focus. Can’t think. Can’t reason. I can’t trust my thinking or my judgment because my brain is so full of 10 billion things that I’m not able to consider everything i need to because i simply can’t remember everything to even think about it. I remember simpler stuff, but not the stuff i need to for big decisions with wide and long-lasting consequences.

And i can’t get out of my own way.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i keep getting in my own way over and over and over again.

Saturday, i had to pass up probably $500 in income to go help Stevie who was having  lift issues at the tree job and needed help with the ground cut up and clean up.

And i, being my typical intelligent self who still seems to have his teenage invincibility delusion, saw a huge log, didn’t want to take the time to cut it up, and so, even thinking that i could hurt myself if i picked it up, stood it up on end, picked it up just to see how heavy it was, thought to myself, “this isn’t any heavier than a person,” then slung it over my back and started walking toward my truck with it.

It wasn’t but a few steps into it that I felt some twinge in my hip, followed by pain.

I re-aggravated my injury from last year that had never fully healed.

Because I’m a genius and can’t get out of my own way.

Hip’s messed up. Not sure what i do from here. Maybe buy scooters to travel around in?

I’m struggling.

I’ve got one week and one day to get things figured out and able to be left alone for 2 months. I’m so… nowhere near ready.

I’m hoping i can have a vacation at all, honestly.

Will i be able to hike? Will I be able to carry a pack? Will I be able to let go of everything that’s happening at home even if I’m losing thousands and thousands of dollars? Or if major issues come up?

Two months is a very long time to be gone from businesses that normally depend on you.

Malaki seems to be doing pretty well so far, and he’s got one more week of practice with me here before I’m gone.

Stevie, on the other hand… we’re just starting out, and we don’t have a dependable customer stream like my auto business has. And we keep having equipment issues that I have to fix. If I’m not there, repairs will be extremely expensive and extremely time consuming. I shouldn’t have started this business until after i got back, but Stevie was ready to be done with his job, and i was excited to finally have the opportunity to provide work for family members, and so i wasn’t thinking straight and said let’s go for it.

Of course i don’t really think about the consequences of doing it this way. Pinning myself against the wall for the first time with a guaranteed overhead cost that’s… really big–at least to my standards (someone’s salary *and* all the costs of running a business with heavy equipment).

…

It’s a while later.

I’m not doing well. Started getting sick the last few days. Got worse last night… Migraining right now. On the edge of complete breakdown?

I’m… not well.

In other news, the spider Lift had two near catastrophic failures on Sunday (we had to go back to the job to finish it). It got stuck in the up position, and Stevie had to repel down to the ground. He managed to get it to go down, but it wouldn’t go back up.

He noticed that the pin that holds the bucket vertical was coming out, which possibly could have dumped the bucket upside down and sent him hanging from the bucket by his safety tether.

After i got there, I realized that on addition to that pin, one of the main pins holding one of the main cylinders in place has also slipped out because a nut had come off. In our attempts to get the lift to go back up, it appeared to have bent the end of the main cylinder, so i couldn’t line up the holes to slide the pin back through.

It was looking like a *very* expensive repair was on the horizon, but i tried to figure out a way to solve it myself.

I fought with it and fought with it, trying all sorts of things, and finally, i had an idea. I jacked up the arms of the lift with my floor jack, which took the hydraulic pressure off the cylinder, and i was able to beat the pin out (roughly 7 inches long and about 1 1/4 in diameter, if you’re looking for a tad bit of a visual). Then, i switched sides, putting the pin back through the other side. I fed it most of the way through, but of course it was slightly bent, so i engaged the machine again, and very very carefully used the hydraulic pressure to bend it back into place, after which, I pushed the pin through the hole and tightened it down.

🥳

Hip throbbing right now.

Body and head migraining.

(sigh)

Need to make major changes in my life, or I’m not gonna let much longer.

What a crazy life.

Lift the World

~ stephen