Both Chase and I slept in a bit this morning.
There’s not so much incentive to get up when it’s rainy outside. Eventually, however, I got up, got my rain gear on, and headed down to the waterfall.
Despite being way out in the middle of nowhere, which I love, and despite there being not a single, solitary other soul there, unfortunately, it was my least favorite waterfall.
Though it had been raining, there wasn’t much water going over the falls. The water that was in the pool at the base of the waterfall was kind of… nasty looking. There was algae all over, and the rocks were covered in a nasty-looking moss.
There was goose poop all over, and it has more of an air of one of the nasty ponds next to an apartment complex than a beautiful waterfall in the remote regions on New Zealand.
It didn’t help that one of the first things I saw down there after getting to the base of the waterfall was a wheel and tire that must have washed down at some point?
As far as trash went, only that and an aluminum can were visible, but with everything else it just felt… yucky.
I dragged the wheel and can all the way back to the parking area so that no one else would have the same reaction of feeling like it was a dumpy nasty place. Hopefully, it’ll help others enjoy it more without the trash there.
Always leave every person and every place better than you found them, right?
From there, we drove down to Castle Point and Castle Rock, getting there while it was still cold, rainy, and windy.
Chase and I started talking about where I’m at with dating and… that whole part of my life.
I brought it up because of a question our BOI friend asked me the other night: How do you know when you’ve found the person you’re going to choose?
Something like that, anyway.
I asked that question of Chase, but after talking for a long time, I was clearly reminded that the question is irrelevant for me right now because I’m still unable to fully give my heart to anyone because it still… belongs to someone else, so to speak.
I keep trying to break it free, but I… can’t. I don’t know what to do. I’m… growing increasingly desperate, I think, in some ways, and that scares me, but I just can’t break free and move solidly in a different direction.
There’s someone I long to talk to, and there’s really not a lot stopping me. i could just reach out.
It’s been over a year since we last talked.
I wonder if talking would help.
I wonder if it’d do more harm.
I just don’t know. And… ugh…
So. Many. Regrets.
Anyway, on the outside, it seems pretty clear at this point that nothing will ever change–ever. And so I keep trying to let go, but I keep failing miserably.
(sigh)
I can’t figure out how to do this. My heart… i can’t fully give it to someone else, not if I have to choose just one person. If I could choose more than one, I probably could, but…
I can’t get myself to actually believe and go all in on anything.
So maybe i just give up and forget about living a life i believe in. Maybe it’s not possible for me anymore.
Maybe i just let people know that I’m broken beyond repair, and they’ll never have my whole heart, and if that’s ok with them, then ok, we can be together.
(sigh)
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I’m so tired.
Anyway, I’m gonna move on from this stream of thought.
When the rain died down, Chase and I got out of the car and started on the Castle Rock track, walking around the ridge all the way from the car park to Castle Rock.
Actually, I left Chase on a bench on the trail to take a nap, while I went and hiked up the trail to the top of Castle Rock where the wind was probably 50 mph+. Man it was strong, strong enough to have me a bit scared up there (at the top of a cliff).
I really enjoyed the climb and the views, and even the powerful wind.
Love that kind of stuff.
The trip down, I ended up bushwhacking down to the beach because the trail was closed from slip damage.
I had a great time on the beach. There was a little peninsula with seals and penguins and seagulls and cormerants and whatnot, and I waded across it toward critter Island, going nearly up to my chest in the ocean water to cross from beach to beach. But i got some great little videos and pictures of seals and penguins and whatnot.
It was super cool.
Finally, I made it back to the car, but Chase wasn’t there. I guess he has gone to the top of Castle Rock as well, so I waited for him for a bit. When he made it back to the beach, we wandered around together for a while before calling it a day and driving down to Cape Palliser, which we’re near now but are just looking for a place to bed down without bugs! It’s super buggy here, which we’re not so thrilled about.
I’ll call it a night for the journey entry, too. If anything else of note comes up, I’ll post it next time.
Love and hugs. 😊
Lift the World
~ stephen
Lift the World 