2023-02-03 — Not Even Baking Soda

I guess I didn’t get any gratitude written this morning. It’s been a really rough day.

I think I finally fell asleep somewhere around 1:00 or 1:30, and I woke up around 5:00 with the acid issues eating away at my esophagus.

I tried for about an hour to figure out some way to solve the issue, finally getting back to bed probably about 6:00 after a pill started kicking in a little bit.

But the issues were all back come 8:00 in the morning or so.

I’ve been battling the heartburn, acid, whatever the heck is going on issue all day. No matter what I do, nothing seems to work. The pills don’t do anything. The foods that are supposed to neutralize only alleviate the symptoms if I stuff my stomach completely, and even then, the symptoms only go away for maybe 20 minutes before they’re right back. Baking soda… which has worked in the past… Tums… nothing.

I don’t understand what’s going on at all. I’m about as disillusioned as I can imagine being with the medical system, but I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place: the tests that are going to be able to figure out what’s wrong with me are crazy expensive. And I just don’t trust anymore than anybody can do a darn thing.

At times, it feels like an esophageal ulcer. I’ve had one before, years ago, when I got a pill stuck in esophagus. It just burned a spot on my esophagus, and I dealt with the pain for a couple weeks or so. I don’t remember exactly how long.

But clearly this is something different, and back then, I didn’t deal with stuff coming back up for my stomach. That makes me think that something is wrong with the flap that keeps everything where it’s supposed to be between my esophagus and stomach.

I just don’t know what to do.

So tired of doctors who spend minutes with you (if that), make a random guess that any of us with half a brain and 10 minutes on the internet could make as well, and then they charge you up the butt for it, and you’re no better off because nobody actually really cares enough to really figure out what’s going on. They make a guess. They write a prescription. They go on to the next patient they’re gonna screw over, and they say, “let us know how if it worked.” And if their guess is wrong, they don’t take responsibility. Nope. They just guess again. Charge you more. And on you go.

It’s disgusting.

I just don’t have any energy left to try and figure this out. I don’t really have any hope that anything’s going to change.  It’s overwhelming just to think about trying to figure it all out. So many issues all at once. The big one right now is the esophagus/issues, as that one can quickly lead to major  long-term issues (potentially permanent) if not dealt with quickly.

But how much money do you give to doctors who you don’t care enough to actually do a good job?

Reminds me of what one of my friends has gone through for years and years and years.

It’s been similar for me. Doctor nightmares.

So I’ve been dealing with that all day with nothing that I’ve tried working for more than 20 minutes. And I’ve had a migraine for much of the day with no reason. I’ve been eating well and drinking plenty. So I don’t understand. Maybe it’s just the stress of the stomach and joint issues.

Who knows.

I think one of the things that’s so demoralizing to me right now is that I already don’t have much of any hope in life and haven’t for a couple of years now. I manufacture hope. I manufacturer reasons why life is worth living: The biggest thing keeping me around is that I just want to help people. But with my physical body deteriorating so quickly and so extensively, it feels like that hope is fading as well.

So discouraged.

And afraid.

And… I’ve got cars to fix tomorrow. I need the money, so I’m gonna go out, but I feel like crap.

But maybe it’ll be good to get me out doing stuff that forces me to focus on other things without being able to get distracted and forces me to interact with people, both of which circumstances will likely distract me enough, at least for a little while, to not think about the health issues as much.

Then again, if they’re bad enough, it won’t matter what I’m doing. It all depends on the given day.

I’m just rambling and not focused right now. I’m not even really aware of what all I’ve written because I’ll write a sentence or two or three and then get distracted and then come back and start without reading what I’ve written.

As far as today is concerned, I mostly just worked on tax stuff. I’ve got to get all that done by Tuesday, I think. It’s going to be a little harder, as Malaki taking the next two weeks off, but it’s good for him to take the time off, so I totally support it.

What else… helped my nephew get down the icy driveway. I’m pretty comfortable trying to get through ice and snow, so I drove down for him, and then I helped him get his groceries up when he came home from work.

Had a nice little conversation with the mail lady, thinking her for being out in the crappy conditions. I think I was able to brighten her day a little bit. 😊

I’m lonely.

Anyway, funny thought: on Amazon prime, I’ve seen the hunger games movie on their forever and ever, and I’ve always turned away and never even given it a chance because of everything that I’ve heard about it.

I finally decided to give it a chance, and I thought it was great. Granted, I think there are better things out there to be spending my time doing, and all the violence isn’t the best, but I felt like the story was actually really good and much different than what I imagined from all the negative comments and opinions I had gotten from other people who completely derided the books and movies.

Can’t really think straight right now. Sure there’s a lot more to say about today, but I just… The head hurts, so I can’t think very well. Hoping that somehow I can get this migraine to go away.

Despite all the struggles, despite all the pain, I’ve had more self-discipline today again. It’s positive in that sense. Hopefully, I can go to bed having maintained the progress I seem to be making.

I’m gonna end here. Tons in my mind but totally not with it.

G’night.

Love and hugs. 😊

Lift the World

~ stephen