2023-03-26 — Verbal Vomit S1E2

March 26:

Why? Why do I not put the things that are most important in my life first in my life?

The default answer, which is probably correct, would be fear. But fear of what?

Fear of failure?

I think that’s probably it.

…

7:10 am…

Fear of not getting what I want.

I guess maybe that’s the same thing as fear of failure, with a slightly different flavor.

7:19 am…

Total non-sequitur, but as the mind wanders… I notice that because I’m overloaded and overwhelmed and discouraged in some areas, that roadblocks and setbacks in other areas find me with twisted perceptions of reality. I find, for example, reacting with thoughts of “nobody wants to work” when I offer work to a couple of people, and they don’t really take me up on it.

Two people is hardly a sample size. And though I know in the broader context, employers are struggling to find employees who are willing to work hard, and though I’ve had some experience in that arena, my experience is quite limited and doesn’t warrant my reactions. I would need a much larger sample size. But because I’m stressed and discouraged in other areas, because I feel those feelings in other areas, it’s easy for those to bleed over and twist reality in a new area. And then what happens? I sort of shut down.

That’s not very effective. 🙃

Anyway, non-sequitur…

Back to the other topic… I have an opportunity to just take the day completely off, ignore the tax stuff I have to do and all the paperwork stuff and the mountains of projects and things on my to-do list, and just focus on the things that are most important to me.

But as I think about doing that, all the projects and things that aren’t done bubble up to the surface of my consciousness and scream to get done. They scream, I’m not done yet. You can’t stop until I’m done!

But as I mentioned before, they are never done. What’s bubbling up to the surface right now? A service opportunity. I’ve begun the opportunity, and it’s a priority, but when am I going to take the time to actually work through the things that are most important to me?

Y’all have been reading this blog for years now and watching me say what I want most but continue to not do it. I just keep working and working and working fixing cars and trying to make money because I feel like getting money is the quickest way to get to a place that I can do what I want how I want.

And the reality is that might actually be true.

But I don’t know that, and my current life course has not given much opportunity for anything else then what I’m doing now.

So… Though there’s a little nervousness, or maybe even a lot, bubbling up as I think about just taking time to ponder today and work through things. Part of it I think because in all of my efforts in the past I still haven’t come to any conclusions and part of it because I’m afraid I’ll fail in realizing some of my hopes and dreams If I go about it differently than I am.

Gosh, it’s amazing how powerful the drive is to go out and do the stuff on my to-do list. Get crap done– the to-do items, the projects, the service opportunities, etc.

It hammers on the door of my mind crying out to be worked on–now!!!

They are all Good things to do, but they’re not the best things for me to do.

Lift the World

~ stephen