2023-05-18 — Discouraged

Sorry that I haven’t been reliable in writing. I’m just not doing well at all. I just keep getting worse and worse mentally and emotionally.

I can’t really remember what’s been going on.

I’ve been trying to work less, but my stress level and discouragement and everything else isn’t changing. I’m constantly in a state of overwhelm.

And a few jobs that I’ve had left to do that I haven’t reasonably been able to cancel or postpone without causing issues for my customers have taken all day.

I’m so discouraged.

And everything that’s going on in the world right now… It weighs so heavily on me. So much anger. So much hatred. So many lies. So much confusion. Truth being paraded is fantasy, and fantasy being paraded as truth. Reactions. Over reactions. The destruction of freedom. The imposition of ideologies. The violence. The hypocrisy. The nurturing of the victim mentality. Unwillingness to peacefully coexist with others who disagree with your views.

In my heart, I’m a lover and not a fighter.

But we’re getting to the point where I’m going to have to fight, or this vicious attack that seeks to put down and destroy and suppress and compel will succeed.

I’m afraid to speak my mind, honestly… I want to bring people together, and if I take a stand, then I’ll automatically be vilified , and that will destroy much of my ability to unite. But I don’t want to sit around idle while truth is destroyed and lies reign. I don’t want to sit around while , in the name of justice, good people are terrorized and blamed and pulled down when all we need to do is lift everyone.

Heck, I’m afraid of some of the people close to me–what they’ll think of me and how they’ll see and treat me. I don’t dare share some of my views and feelings because of those fears (And to be transparent, my fearss maybe completely unfounded, but they’re still my fears), but I can’t let that fear keep me from inaction anymore.

I’m going to start openly advocating for what I believe. I’m going to start laying it out there. And I hope that I will be able to make a positive difference and somehow unite people on common values as I encourage peaceful expression of perspective and respect of difference.

I’m afraid. I’m definitely afraid. But love… I hope that truth and love can win.

For record-keeping sake, I did one car today. I tried to do two, but it was only one. I worked on a Jeep Grand Cherokee, but I couldn’t get it figured out, so I didn’t charge them. I knew the problem, but I couldn’t get the part out and still be confident that I could get it back in. Big pain in the butt, and probably a lot more needs to come off than what I would feel comfortable doing as a mobile job to get the part out and still be confident I could get the other one back in. My hands and arms are just too big to get where the part needs to come out and go back in.

The lady was shocked that I would spend a couple hours and not charge her anything, and she was so excited that I didn’t charge her anything. It was fun to watch this little lady get excited and be so happy and run inside and grab a $20 bill to give me as a tip and be so grateful.

Quite the opposite from the lady from the other day, and a breath of fresh air.

I did a pre-purchase inspection on a Toyota 4Runner for a customer who lives out of state, and it was an absolute piece of junk, rested through, dangerous to drive, dangerous to own, best as a parts car and not as an actual car. So he’s probably going to buy it as a parts car instead.

I think I mowed the lawn until the gas ran out… I need to get more gas so I can finish the lawn.

I’m struggling. A lot.

But I’m going to keep trying to lift the world as best I can.

Lift the World

~ stephen