Holar, folks. 🙂
It’s Memorial Day today, but I’m writing about my Saturday.
I had a pretty weird experience Saturday morning. As I was driving from my house to the parts supplier, it was like my whole being had been reset.
I wasn’t stressed about all of the different areas in my life. When I thought about making decisions in important areas of my life, I just sort of went “okay, whatever.”
The way I described it to my friend Cory was almost like I had been reset as though I were an active member of the LDS church.
I thought about listening the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or the scriptures or something, and instead of feeling a PTSDish response or anger at god or some aversion of some kind, it was totally normal, as though I were an active church member who never really had stopped.
Heavens, even the thought of going back to church, which had carried a pretty strong aversion, was gone.
🤯
I didn’t listen to any church stuff, but all day, I was free of the pressures and stress of all the things that have been suffocating me for years.
It was like I was reset to a previous edition of myself, still me, but the lighter, happier, positive version, and not the discouraged, depressed, near-hopeless version I’ve been for so long now.
I suddenly had motivation again. I was suddenly more optimistic. I was suddenly less swallowed up by my losses and more focused on what good things the future might bring.
😶
Suddenly, if I started thinking about the challenges or the losses, I just cut the thoughts off, and kept right on going, like–“whatever.”
It was a weird day.
Was it because I’ve been actively seeking god this last week instead of being angry with him? Is it a coincidence? Is it some kind of mental self defense mechanism?
Or is it the tender mercy of a god who’s been calling after me lately, but I’ve not given space to the feelings.
I fixed two cars on Saturday while I tried to make sense of what i was feeling.
The biggest thing that caught me off guard was that when thinking about the issue that’s been the biggest challenge for me for the last decade plus, when I thought about just changing direction and letting all that go as if it has never happened, I had that same “okay, whatever” nonchalance.
That was interesting.
After fixing the two cars (first needed a new ignition coil connector wired in, and the second needed a battery replaced), I chatted with my friend Cory about it all.
With That last topic, on that part of my life that’s been the biggest challenge, if I look back and think about it objectively, then I wouldn’t just let it all go because I’ve had too many experiences directing me, and I would need as powerful or more powerful of experiences pointing another way to leave that path.
Or maybe not? With my state of mind right now, I’m open to just about anything.
It’s definitely been a trip. 🙃
I ended my conversation with Cory, so I could spend some time just kind of thinking about how I was feeling and everything.
By that point, I was heading to my friend Miguel’s house just to hang out for a little bit.
On my way to Miguel’s house one of my sisters called whom I hadn’t spoken with in a very long time, and we chatted for almost an hour, I think, with me parked just down the street and around the corner from Miguel’s house. It was a really good conversation, chock full of all sorts of meaty subjects.
Not wanting to keep my friend waiting too long, I bid my sister farewell and spent some time hanging out with my friends. I had gone to the grocery store after fixing the cars, picked up some food, and brought it over. Miguel cooked it, and that was good– cactus, and beans, and tortillas, and salsa.
Good stuff.
I headed home cuz I was filthy and wanted to shower, though I ended up not getting a shower anyway.
It was a very interesting day. I don’t know exactly what to think of it, but it was definitely well received. I’m grateful to have had a much lighter day on Saturday. 🙂
Love to all. 😊
Lift the World
~ stephen
Lift the World 