One thing I didn’t mention last night was that though I had started feeling better after making the decision to make that huge change, feeling better didn’t last.
By the time I was finished getting my little Honda Civic ready to fall asleep in, I was just as bad as ever. It was really hard. I was really discouraged. Really down.
When I woke up in the morning this morning (this post is being written on the 25th, looking back), I was still just down and discouraged and depressed. Same feelings as always.
But I hadn’t done anything with my friend Cory at all, and I didn’t want to go all the way to Utah and spend almost two weeks in Utah without seeing one of my best friends in the world.
Cory suggested that we drive up to the uintas and build a little fire and just hang out, and I thought that that would be great, so I let him finish writing his talk for Church on Sunday, and then I drove up and met him at his house in Salt Lake City about 11:30ish.
We packed up his suburban, and I chatted briefly with two of his daughters whom I’ve known at least casually for several years now, and then we popped over to Subway to grab some veggie subs before heading up parley’s Canyon.
It was an absolutely beautiful drive up the canyon. The temperature outside I think was in the 60s or so, and it was a beautiful sun shiny day.
I started getting a migraine on the way up, so we stopped in Kamas at the grocery store there where I bought a watermelon, some bananas, and a cantaloupe. I ate the banana and started feeling better, as we drove up the mirror Lake highway. We stopped somewhere between the base of the highway and Mount baldy, but I couldn’t tell you exactly where. I could find it again if I drove back, but I have no idea where we were, honestly.
We went to a place that Cory has been taking his family for many many years. A nice little place that requires a vehicle with good ground clearance to get to, and that meant that we were alone at that little spot, which was nice.
Being up in the winters, there’s firewood pretty much everywhere, so you don’t really need to pack anything in. Cory, of course, had packed some of those heavy duty really long stick matches, and I think one little crumpled up piece of paper whatever it was.
Then we went around and gathered up a bunch of wood, he using his ax to cut some dead branches off of a fallen evergreen tree.
I started to build the fire, putting the little ball of paper in the middle and then surrounding it by a little cabin of twigs and then a teepee within the cabin. Gratefully, despite the ground being somewhat moist, we had plenty of dry wood, so we were able to Get the fire going without much trouble at all
We did have to watch where we stepped, as the little camping spot looked like a few moose had come through with diarrhea and just let loose. 😅
Fortunately the campfire smell drowned out most of the loose moose smell. 🙃
On the drive up, Cory and I had mostly just talked about just things that were going on in life and what not, but once we got to the campsite, Cory basically just mostly listened as I pretty much took everything that’s going on inside of me and dumped it all out over him.
(Thanks, Cory, for being there and being willing to be that person for me.)
We talked and talked, and I think I cried a little bit, and I struggled. I told him about the choice that I had made the day before to give God a try again and to act as though I had never left, to act as though I were in the apex of the greatest spiritual period of my life.
Of course it was also clear that I was doing this not because I fully believed, but more as a test. A test to find truth.
We had a great little time up there in the uintas. I was sad to have to pack up, but Cory has a family and kids, and I would want to go back and be with them if I had a wife and kids.
So we went back, having a great continuation to our chat as we went back, chatting much more about gospel topics than my own struggles.
I’ve missed that, a lot, actually. The gospel is one of the things that I was most passionate about, and even in my long stretch of doubt and fear and anger, during which I lost much of my faith and testimony, my soul still hungered to talk about those gospel things that once upon a time meant so much to me.
Those topics would come up, and part of me would want to jump in because I was so passionate about them, but part of me… Couldn’t because I was now the one who was doubting everything.
It’s kind of a weird place to be.
Anyway, we had a great little chat about prayer on the way back to Salt Lake City. I had been hoping to visit my other friend Robyn that night, but she had other plans. Unfortunately, that was really the last time that was going to make sense to spend time with her before I headed west with my mom to California.
Anyway, since she was busy, my brother Jared invited me back to his place in Highland, so I headed back down that way. We ate dinner together and chatted for a bit, and then we went to bed.
It’s been weird not doing So many of the things that I normally do. I normally check news and sports and my blog stats and… So many things. I’ve been an awful texter and driver for a good while now, but all of these things are now done. Gone.
It was especially weird not checking sports scores, as it was Saturday, and I have been a bit of a college football nut. But I didn’t check any scores. Not once. I didn’t look at the news. I didn’t watch any TV or movies.
And it was amazing how much free time I suddenly found myself having. I’ve spent so much time in so many different mediums and arenas trying to escape from all the pain, and when I cut out all those things that I was using to escape, it leaves quite a void to fill. Not so much of void of feeling like I’m missing something: It’s more just like an open space that’s ready to be filled.
And now I need to find something to fill it with.
Anyway, dinner with Jared, chatting for a little bit, showing him a fun little thing on YouTube for maybe 10 or 15 minutes, and then I was off to bed.
I’ve got a day in the books living this radically changed life, and I feel much much better. I know it’s not going to be easy. But I definitely feel better today than I did yesterday.
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 