Whoa, boy!
Mighty bump in the road yesterday (I’m writing this the morning of the 1st of December). I woke up to rain, which I love, but I wasn’t expecting earlier this week. Forecast had it coming Friday, not Thursday, which is why I pushed the work back earlier this week all the way to Saturday, and I had big plans for today.
😅
Somehow, I let myself get completely thrown off by that today. I have been planning on finishing up getting all the vines out of the areas immediately to either side of the deck and then picking up mulch from the Rogers recycling center because it would be dry and easy to deal with.
🙃
Oops.
So instead of busting my butt out there again getting a significant amount of stuff done on this deck park project, I couldn’t really work on it reasonably, unless I wanted to work on the rain and mud.
Looking back, I probably should have worked on it in the rain and mud.
I spent pretty much my entire day in my recliner staring at one screen or another, first on things that were uplifting and great, and slowly, over time, slipping into things that weren’t until I had another full-blown relapse.
I wonder how much of my down feelings came from my superficial attraction concerns for myself, the looking in the mirror closely.
I now can go more than just imagine what it’s like to be a woman and how society and culture has you focusing on every little imperfection with these mirrors that even magnify blemishes.
I know it’s not just women who are targeted, but I think they receive the brunt of it.
Men have been more and more targeted.
I think i worried about it a lot more as a teenager and early 20 something, but I’d all but forgotten about it until just last week, or whenever that was.
Certainly, I see myself in the mirror briefly when I use the bathroom or take a shower, but I’m usually focused on my hair, to make sure it looks presentable and my waist and chest to get a picture of what’s going on with my body fat and muscle wise.
I don’t even remember how i noticed, but it was a bit of a shock. Gratefully, it hasn’t been a massive issue, just a tad discouraging and fear producing, but I vacillate between that and sort of chuckling to myself thinking of the irony of it all.
I’m grateful to feel a little bit of what others feel.
I guess another thing that’s been happening the last week or two ish? is that my pride has been hurt?
Which is a great thing. 🙃
I’m realizing that many people are out doing the things that I should have started doing years ago but have been paralyzed by fear and discouragement, and so when I finally get going, I’m just going to be one of many already doing the same kinds of things I’ve wanted to do.
Being one of many is actually great, the more people trying to go out and make the world a better place in the areas I’m trying to lift in the better! That said, for the parts of me that want to be looked up to by everyone, the parts of me who want people to think I’m the main guy, the top dog, it’s not so easy.
It’s really good, but not easy.
I’m probably making it sound like it’s really hard. That’s not it either. It’s just that the prideful part of me finds it a tad harder to stay motivated when I think about being one of a large number of people already out there fighting the good fight instead of it being this thing that really needs to get done that isn’t really being worked on much, so something really needs to be done that isn’t getting done. It’s easier when it feels more pressing, if that makes sense, and when it feels like there’s more hope because if people aren’t already working hard on it, then maybe that means big change is possible quickly.
There’s a lot of ignorance and arrogance in there where my perspective has been.
But this is good. This is what I actually want. I want to find and kill all that pride off–“kill it ’til it’s dead.” 🙃
I want pure love to be my motivation, unencumbered by the ugliness and selfishness of pride.
So, more positive stuff going on here, stuff I’ve been wanting, stuff I’ve been striving for, stuff that’s… still hard. 😅
Still, I’m excited that I’m getting there. I wish it were more organic within myself and not just a desire of my heart that seems to sometimes require circumstances beyond my control to humble me, but that’s probably also a thought partially motivated by pride.
So there you go.
I think I’ve been both dealing with the superficial junk attraction stuff and dealing with the prideful disappointment, and I’ve also been dealing with that disappointment in myself i mentioned before for not taking good care of myself and for taking so long to overcome the things that have swallowed me up.
With the latter, I’m still not there yet, but I’m trying, and I’m making progress.
Progress is what matters, slow as it might seem to myself or others.
And I’m making progress.
🥳
Gratitude… I think it’s been a while since I overtly focused on gratitude here. I include it throughout my posts, but I like having that little section at the end.
- I’m grateful for friends who strive to lift and support me as I stumble forward.
- I’m grateful to be back up so quickly after having a full-blown relapse last night. I don’t know if it’s a record for me, but it’s certainly a welcome feeling to be getting back on the horse immediately and letting go of the discouragement.
- I’m grateful for the opportunity to experience, even to a small degree, what other people face, so that I can understand and truly empathize. I think that’s one of the greatest blessings that I could ever have is being able to truly empathize with others as we all strive to move onward and upward.
- I’m grateful that my body recovered so quickly after a long day of hard work.
- I’m grateful that my tennis elbow issues seem to be making steady, I’ll be at small, gains. It no longer hurts just to lift my cell phone up in a certain position. I still have a long way to go before I can just lift stuff, but I’m grateful that the evidence so far seems to show that there’s been good progress in healing. 🥳
- I’m grateful for the patience that I am able to practice as I’m working through physical therapy. The improvements are very small and very slow, and it takes a lot of effort for just the small improvements, but that’s really good for practicing patience.
- I’m grateful that though I’m dealing with poison ivy everywhere from my ankles to my forehead, it hasn’t been ridiculously irritating. It’s not fun, by any means, but it’s not something that is a near constant nagging irritant. I’m able to tune it out most of the time, which is super great. I do find myself a bit nervous to touch my shoes, but… oh well. 🙃
I’m working on a little parable thing I started many many years ago. I’m gonna try and post that on Sunday, I think. Maybe before. It probably won’t be done, but whatever.
Hopefully, it’ll be a blessing to anyone who reads it.
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 