It’s been a really hard day today.
I almost didn’t go on my trip to Utah, deciding only in the last 20 minutes to go.
I started the day waking up about 2 a.m., waking up probably to go to the bathroom, and knowing if I checked my phone, I would likely awaken a bunch of emotions and find it hard to sleep again.
I checked my phone anyway. 😕
…And I paid the price, finding myself dealing with leftover anger from last night, a lot of it. 😞
Because the emotions were so strong, I didn’t have a prayer of falling back asleep, so I got up and started doing stuff… I think I started cleaning my room a bit. I spent a good long time composing a message that I could feel good about, but I probably won’t send it.
I think I listened to some scriptures and prayed, which grounded me a bit… Eventually, maybe around 4:30? I was tired enough to go back to sleep, so I did, not waking up again until Thomas woke me up to tell me he was leaving and to tell me a few things that needed to be done before I left.
After getting up, I spent more time composing that message, still unsure if I’d send it but trying to make sure my heart was in a godly place either way.
At first, I’d been mostly selfish, concerned for what was going to happen to me. Then as I became more and more grounded, I was able to look outward, to what I’d write coming only from a place of love and support and not self interest/preservation, etc.
I spent more time praying and more time listening to scriptures. That was good.
But even with that effort, I was starting to struggle more and more the longer I was awake.
I reached out to Cory for support, and after I showered, he and I talked for a couple of hours.
I’m grateful for Cory.
I did ok for a little while after our conversation, but then I just got worse and worse until the tears were flowing and the pain deep and powerful. My being down and my rising overwhelm morphed into full on micro depression, and that’s when I found myself on the verge of just staying home.
I didn’t want to go on the trip. The trip wasn’t well thought out anyway, on my part, and then in my emotional state, I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I wanted to spend the holidays alone.
When I say not well thought out, among other things, I failed to recognize that I’d be arriving on a Sunday for one, and then with Christmas the next day, which meant not really being able to buy anything (food, specifically) for a couple of days after getting to Utah.
So I went to the grocery store to buy some food, so that I could have something to eat in the airports. Cory, knowing my distress, told me they had plenty of food if I was ok suspending my vegan diet for a bit.
I did a lot of staring at food at the grocery store.
They put tons of sugar in almost everything…
Finally I just grabbed whole wheat crackers and peanuts… but even in the midst of buying food for the trip, feeling my desire not to go increase…
It’s been a super hard day.
To top it off, my back and joints have been hurting a lot, to the point of draining me emotionally and physically as well. That started a bit yesterday. Maybe it’s the storm that rolled in, or maybe it’s the result of a little tweak I felt happen in my back a couple days ago.
Funny, right after i write about the improvements with my health, here we are again. 😅
After nearly choosing to stay home (I teetered on a razor’s edge), I ultimately made the decision to go on the trip, and I had myself composed by the time Jim came over to pick me up.
Jim knew I was struggling because he’d called earlier to confirm my pickup time, and I was crying and could barely talk. I told him I might not be going, but that I’d keep him posted. He was clearly concerned for me, and a bit later I decided to still go, so he came to give me the ride.
Jim is great. We talked on the way to the airport, and he was able to help me get grounded again and to help me put my trust in the things I felt like God told me a week and a half, or so, ago.
Thanks, Jim.
I’m still not out of the woods. Really tough day, and likely a really tough road ahead still.
But as of this moment (9:01 pm, probably somewhere over Eastern Oklahoma right now), I’m grounded again.
🤞
I’m grateful for Cory and my Utah brother Jared for being excited to see me. That’s nice, especially when I just want to spend the holidays alone, or at least with no one I know, so there’s no pressure of any kind.
I’m grateful to Jim for being one of the most even keeled people I’ve ever met.
Had a bit of a funny thing happen at the XNA airport. It’s a $74 charge for a carry-on item with frontier airlines, and I couldn’t find my regular backpack, so I only had my very very large hiking backpack, but I didn’t want to be paying a $74 fee for a dumb little carry-on filled with a little bit of clothing and some food. So what did I do? Well… while I was waiting for the plane to board, I watched a YouTube video that explained how to disassemble the internal frame of my pack. I thought that maybe if I could disassemble the internal frame, I could squish my pack down to a size that was acceptable as a personal item so I wouldn’t be charged a carry-on fee. After disassembling the pack, I realized it still wasn’t enough, so I put on an additional large sweater underneath my large winter coat, and I put on my thick sweatpants over the top of my other sweatpants, wearing four layers on top and four layers on the bottom as well. 🙃
When I went to board, they still made me measure my pack because it was still… big.
Too big. 😬
So I pulled out more clothing and stuffed it into my pockets, and then squished my backpack into the personal item measuring device one more time, and gratefully, they were willing to let me go ahead and take it as a personal item. 😅🥳
Oh, and the pack’s frame rods were shoved in my pants from my armpit to my crotch (a little precarious for the family jewels 😅), and the pack’s back support was against my back underneath my sweatpants and shirt.
I was quite the sight to behold, I’m sure. 😆
😅🙃
But no $74 charge 😎, at least not from XNA to Denver. I guess we’ll see how the Denver people treat me. 🤞
Here’s to a more peaceful tomorrow. 🤞
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 