Hi, folks. I’ve gone downhill pretty good. I’m not really functional anymore. It’s about all I can do to even do little productive things, let alone the things I need to do to move forward with all the things that need to be done right now.
I’m emotionally overwhelmed.
Stressed to my limits.
I don’t have the mental and emotional bandwidth to handle everything going on right now.
I’m a mess. 😞
Haven’t fixed cars for over 3 weeks now. Don’t even dare to try with my work van unreliable in a way that I don’t know what’s wrong and don’t have the emotional energy to even try and diagnose the electrical issues.
Didn’t do much with JustAnswer really all week until yesterday. Worked a full day yesterday.
The title came for the VW, and it’s now legally mine. That’s something pretty significant. I’m grateful for that.
I’ve gone through some of my things to downsize. I’ve been a book collector, even though I don’t read books. I love having books. I just never read. So I may just get rid of all my books at this point.
That’s hard to do, but all I ever do is cart them from place to place. I’ve already gotten rid of probably 80% of what I had when I lived in Utah.
Got the metal picked up for The family garden. Neighbor Joe was taking down some chain link fence, and the top rail is going to be hopefully useful for being the top rail of a tomato wall that Jim is putting in.
I spent pretty much the entire day Saturday weeding down at the deck area. Because I didn’t get everything done before spring really hit, the weeds were popping up absolutely everywhere. Fortunately, the ground has been fairly moist from the mass of amounts of rain that we’ve gotten, so the weeds were relatively easy to pull instead of being concreted in.
I probably spent maybe 7 hours weeding? I also spent some time moving the concrete sidewalk chunks into the ramp down into the creek hoping to make a little sidewalk into the creek. I got it mostly done, but the main landing platform in the creek itself cracked and broken half when I drove over it with the skid steer. 😞
The big concrete pieces are uneven, but… It’s mostly in place. I can get my floor jack and jack up the piece that’s uneven and put some rocks under it to make it level with the other piece. Then I need to fill underneath the slabs with rock and dirt and whatnot so they don’t crack like the one at the bottom did. They are a lot thicker, but still. I want to make sure that they have something more underneath them so they’re less likely to crack.
I got it all mowed down there, and I finally got wood chips covering everything that I don’t want having weeds growing on it. The wood chips haven’t been spread out evenly yet, but at least they’re all down.
Because these wood chips are thinner and full of more ground up leaves than the wood chips we used to get from the other place, weeds grow in them a lot more easily, so I had to spend a little while weeding what had already been mulched, but now that the trees are all leafed out, I’m hoping that there will be less weeding necessary because there’s a lot more shade underneath those trees where the mulch is.
🤞
So I spent all day down at the deck area. Our church fathers and sons campout is going to be down there this Friday. There’s still a fair bit more to do to get it ready for them…
So that was Saturday. Sunday was pretty much JustAnswer all day long. It was a very productive working day–the most productive single day I’ve ever had, I think.
I’m really struggling. It feels like everywhere I turn massive decisions need to be made and significant obstacles keep me from making progress. I’ve gotten to the point that my emotional overwhelm just has me mentally and emotionally shutting down.
Even the thought of working on so many of these things that I need to get done… There are so many things that I have tried and tried and tried again to get done and to make progress on that never seem to get anywhere… The thought of trying to even work on them anymore is overwhelming, and I just shut down.
I got nothing left.
I used to at least have you know maybe one day a week where I could gather up enough emotional resilience and hope to go out and have at least one really good productive day, where I was actually motivated and just pounding away at all the to-do things on the list.
I can’t remember when the last time was that I had a day like that.
Saturday, waking up to go work on the deck, I had a mini tantrum the moment I woke up, waking up after not getting much sleep, realizing that I had to get up and spend the day working out there…
I just don’t have anything left.
I can’t even manufacture motivation.
I’m drowning. I’m suffocating. Whatever other visual you want to put to it, that’s where I’m at.
But I’m trapped. I can’t avoid the choices that I have to make and all the things that have to be done to even make those choices.
And there’s not much time to get all of these things done that I’ve been trying to get done for years and years.
Four and a half weeks to get it done.
Sure, I could stretch it out longer, moving some of my stuff to other areas here on the hill.
I don’t know.
I’m a mess.
I’ve got all my own stuff and all my own decisions to figure out, and I feel a pretty heavy weight trying to make sure that my mom and Thomas are taken care of, and I’m trying to help everybody else as well…
So many people are struggling right now, and I want to be able to help them, but I can’t even take care of myself right now.
😞
Not enough hope to sustain the push.
Maybe that’ll change.
🤞
Lift the World 