On the edge of breakdown. So tired of being alive. Don’t have the courage to not be.
On the bright side, I slept well again. Sleeping in the van has been great.
Breakfast was cinnamon rolls and bananas.
My diet is crap. My vegan has fallen apart. My no sugar is gone. It’s all very unhealthy, and I’m not even following my own principles for what I believe.
I’m just sort of hanging on and don’t have the energy To do the things that my personal values and conscience tell me I should do.
One more reason to be feeling as I do.
😕
I spent a good little while this morning making Facebook Marketplace ads for more of my mom’s stuff. A lot of the reason stuff isn’t sold is because I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it before Even though I said I would do it for her.
After doing that, I gathered up trash, loaded stuff from by the greenhouse, the cement mixer that we had up at the house that I temporarily unloaded down here, a bunch of tires and rims, more than 20.
I carefully destroyed the several wasps nests that were built inside the greenhouse fan assemblies and then put the fan assemblies on top of pallets, as they were in direct contact with the ground after the wood they were on has rotted away over the years.
I finally got the bent up greenhouse arch removed. That’s been on the list to take care of for… Gosh… Years.
It’s good to get that done, though I’m not getting my own stuff done (sigh).
Butter scraped over too much bread.
I’m… not well.
Body, mind, Spirit… everything’s in the trash right now. Just want this to be done. It’s just too much. All of it. Life. It’s just not worth it.
So tired.
I forgot to mention that it was yesterday, I think, that I finally was successful at digging up the massive sycamore stump. Amazingly, I was able to even get it loaded into the burn pile with my skid steer.
I’m pleasantly surprised and impressed that my skid steer was able to do it and that I was able to load it up using the skid steer.
Small victories.
I emptied the trailer and placed t-posts around the pond area until next to the cattle panels. I’m short both in cattle panels and t-posts. I’ll be buying more cattle panels to fill in the gap.
I stopped in to chat with Liz about something that I don’t remember now and realized that it was her birthday.
Crappy of me to not know/remember. 😕
Mom finished her stint as camp nurse for the girls camp, so she came home, bringing me lunch down by the greenhouse. We ate lunch, provided to us by my Aunt Heather.
Thanks, Aunt Heather. 🥰
I unloaded Rover, as that’s the best vehicle to move stuff from the old house to her new house. We left the bins of my stuff sitting outside, and the mattresses on top of the bins, as we ate and fended off ticks and what not.
Shockingly, ticks were climbing up the bins–big ticks.
Ugh.
That’s the last thing I need is to load a bunch of bins back into my van that are covered in bugs and ticks.
It just never ends.
After eating, we went over and began loading stuff up from the basement, food storage stuff and other stuff.
It started out with my mom doing the loading while I kept loading up the trailer with more stuff to get it from the old house. Piles of t posts and other stuff that’s just laying around.
I don’t want to leave them with stuff that they have to figure out what to do with. It sucks to have to figure it out myself, let alone have someone else have To figure it out who inherited the load of stuff to do simply by moving in.
I don’t want to leave a mess or a lot to figure out for them. Life is already hard enough for all of us then to have more and more and more piled on us.
We took a break and headed over for a celebratory birthday dinner with Liz at their place. That was good. Chatted with Hannah and Mary and Hunter a little bit.
Good stuff.
Went back over to pack up more stuff from the basement of the old house. I was on the verge of breakdown. I’m just so done. So done giving effort to a meaningless, miserable life.
But I wanted to help my mom, And there’s still so much to do, and if I’ll leave it to her to do by herself, it’s going to take her forever.
I already miss living with my mom. Great lady. I realize more how important she is to me and how much I love her.
We drove over to her place, emptying the van into her extremely crowded basement. She’s got piles of stuff absolutely everywhere. So much stuff to go through.
She’s got a much different outlook about life than I do. She has faith and hope in a bright eternity, so though it’s stressful and weighs on her, it’s just a challenging part of a beautiful eternity.
I used to believe that, too.
I can’t hold on to what I believe anymore.
We got everything unloaded, and we drove back to my little Greenhouse staging area. There are so many bugs that you try to not keep the doors of vehicles open for any longer than his absolute and necessary. Try not to use any lights whatsoever because the bugs just come flying over to the lights, and you get A face full of bugs.
Without the lights, they don’t really care much about you. But with the lights, they come in clouds.
(sigh)
My back is really angry with me for all the moving that I’m doing. My leg is still messed up. I don’t know exactly what it’s messed up from. The part where the ax went in is healed up without any pain at all, but about an inch down, the bone is super super tender, and there continues to be some sort of thick liquid pooled up in there. I can press on it with my fingers and leave indentations that take a little while to go away.
I don’t know what’s going on. I’m running out of energy to even care.
Partly wanting to be dead and be free of pain of all kinds… Yet fighting to keep going.
It just all seems so pointless.
Lift the World 