2024-07-16 — Fading

Find two more brown recluses in sticky traps in the little compartments where the TV used to be. Those could have been there for a couple of days. Not sure.

They were still alive, so I put them down.

I set up several more traps before I closed my eyes to go to sleep. That’s worth falling asleep, I looked up at a roll of toilet paper up in the storage compartment where the TV used to be, and there was a spider on the roll of toilet paper. I don’t remember if that one was a brown recluse or not, but I sent it to its afterlife.

I don’t like killing things, but things that can harm me That I can’t just let outside, so to speak, and have them be on their way… that’s just sort of defense?

A, I don’t want to try and capture something that can cause substantial damage to me and that is really good at getting away from you. B, I don’t want to try and find a way to store it or move it.

Found another recluse in a trap in the morning after I woke up.

All told, it was a four or five spider night. 🕷️

2 more recluses before bed

Several more traps set. 🙃

So many traps in here now. By the time I was ready to go to sleep again tonight, I had 23 traps all set out in this van. 😅

Very little sleep, A good chunk of the loss of sleep came because of the concern about spiders. Funny how all those same spiders were there the first nights I was sleeping here. I just didn’t see them, so I didn’t think about them. Now that I’m thinking about them, they are on my mind and of concern.

I got up and started working on my to-do list stuff. Still trying to get everything taken care of. Such slow progress.

As I was getting ready to put more things for sale on Facebook Marketplace, I noticed that my seller rating went down from five stars to 3.7. So I went went over and looked at my ratings and saw that two people had given me one star reviews on July 1st.

One of the ladies who’d given me a one-star review showed up without telling me she was coming to get the free decorative table I was giving away. Got mad because I wasn’t responding to her, and she waited there for 10 minutes before I noticed that she’d sent me a message. She never told me she was even coming, but she showed up and then was mad that I wasn’t answering. So she waited for 10 minutes, I saw her message, guided her to the house, disassembled the table for her, carried it out of the house for her and helped her get it in her car.

She decided to give me a one star rating because she had to wait for 10 minutes even though she never told me she was even coming.

I sent her a message asking her to fix the rating, thinking she gave me the bad rating before we reconnected and she came over and got the table, but no, she told me that’s what she felt like I deserved and told me to leave her alone and stop harassing her or she would report me.

Facebook reviews.

Over and over and over again in my life people just end up thinking I’m a bad person. So tired of trying so hard. Even the good that I do seems to be undone because in the end, people just think I’m a bad person.

The other lady who gave me a bad review, for the same free decorative table, was going to come get it, and then I told her that unfortunately I thought the kids were going to be in bed, so I told her she would need to come in the morning. It’s possible she was already on her way, but she was still asking me questions about the table and what not when I told her that it wasn’t going to work for her to come anymore that night.

When I reached out to her expressing my discouragement at being given a bad review when I’ve spent so much time taking pictures and answering questions all to give something away for free to people, going to a great effort to give things away for free instead of just throwing them away like I’ve had people suggest that I do. I asked her to change the review, but she also replied back calling me a weird freak, threatening to report me to Facebook, and then blocking me.

In my mental and emotional state, that was devastating to me. It was devastating on so many levels.

It was devastating because I’m working so hard to try and do good things for people, taking so much of my time to try and find homes for all of these things for people who might want, need, or enjoy them. Doing all that just to serve and benefit people And just generally do good things, and this is what I get.

No good deed…

It also I think called up a long standing, deep-rooted pain that no matter how hard I try to do good and to give people my heart and to try give and love and serve, in the end, so frequently, people think badly of me.

The good I feel I did seems like it just gets wiped away, the people who once thought good of me think ill of me, and all that work and love and effort gets washed away, because it’s attached to that guy. That “weird freak,” to quote the Facebook lady.

I wonder how they’d feel if they knew how damaging their actions are, how much they hurt.

The last gasp I have for hope in accomplishing even one of the things that was most important to me in my life feels like it’s dissolving before my eyes as I am reminded again of not just my insignificance but how my efforts don’t make much of a difference. They are all tarnished or washed away completely because I’m the one who did the thing or whatever, and I’m seen as a bad person, so it’s all spoiled, ruined.

My belief in the overall good of humanity is dying. I’m growing more and more cynical and pessimistic.

There’s a part of me that still believes that people are mostly good, and there’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’s just a hope, and people are actually just awful. Take away the immediate consequences of their actions, and you’ll uncover vileness, viciousness, violence, selfishness…

I certainly have the seeds of those things inside of me, and they come out here and there and could dominate of I let them.

I just… genuinely hate those parts of me, so I do my best to keep them under control–not always successfully, and much less so of late.

But maybe that’s what actually dominates society. Maybe most people have similar unconstructive parts of them but they don’t hate them. Maybe they hate that they can’t act on them with impunity, so they hold back and only lash out when they aren’t going to be punished for it.

Whatever the truth, that was devastating to me today. I don’t have the bandwidth for all this. I don’t have the emotional resilience.

It sucked the little bit of energy out of me that I had. I called a friend. I cried. I’ve been in so much pain all the time that I just don’t want to be alive If I have to keep going through all this… the physical and the emotional pain that just never ends. It’s already too much. And then to feel like I’m losing all of the reasons I had to stick it out…

I don’t feel like I make a meaningful difference. The differences that I do make are superficial and nice to haves, so to speak. And as I lose faith in humanity, I lose motivation to try to lift the world.

I feel like I’m staring at a future of continually increasing physical pain and discomfort, juxtaposed to a future of meaninglessness because nothing that I do makes any real difference, and life really is just pointless.

I’m tired.

I tried to Get stuff done today. But I didn’t get almost anything done today. I’m still in the stupid seemingly never ending state of sorting and trying to figure out what to do with all of this crap. All of my tools. All of this stuff.

So tired of stuff and no place to keep it.

But where do I go? Right now nowhere is home. I can’t even remember the last place that I lived that felt like home. Maybe I’ve never felt like anywhere is home. At least not since I was a kid.

I don’t know.

So tired.

My mom came over. I forget what for. She took some of the burdens that I’ve been dealing with, things I’m trying to figure out how to dispose of. She took on the responsibility for disposing of them. I’m grateful to her for that. She’s an angel. She’s even going to do my laundry for me. What an awesome lady.

Thx, mama.

Worked on my cars a little bit. Cleaned off the battery cables on my Civic. Charged the AC in my pickup truck, finding that the AC did actually work. It has a leak, but it actually works. 🙃

Apparently the AC in nearly all of my vehicles works. I just never took the time to do the testing to verify the reason it wasn’t blowing cold.

Funny.

My mom helped me get things covered to keep them from getting wet again with the rain coming.

We need the rain, so it’s good to have it coming.

So much left to do. It’s almost been 4 weeks since we moved out. Crazy.

I’m not doing well.

That’s an understatement.

I need this all to be done.