(written on the 31st)
My willpower is running out.
As I’ve written before, I’ve been living the last… long time as if nearing the end of a 20 mile hike, moving forward on sheer will power alone.
Yesterday, I slowed to stumbles pace.
I’m just… done.
…but I can’t be 😕
I didn’t have the energy or even care to finish sorting the rest of my tools. I just put them as they were in the van and gave up.
At least they fit in the van at this point and are mostly organized. 🙏
What another monumental waste of my life and time these last five weeks have been. 😕
I’m so tired of life. 😞
I know that sounds dramatic and maybe a little worry producing. I’m sorry. I know it’s crappy to read this kind of stuff.
I just… This is supposed to be real. Not watered down. It gets watered down and censored enough as it is.
To those of you who are concerned, suicide is unlikely. Is it possible? I guess technically, yes. I think about it daily, but I believe there’s a difference between having a thought come in and giving that thought room (let alone having intent to execute). The biggest risk would be during my mental and emotional breakdowns.
And I don’t think there’s really much risk.
I’m getting closer and closer to being done here. Each day the pile gets a little smaller, though it still weighs down pretty heavily.
I was moving slowly today. I’m just worn out. I have a hard time, once I’ve started on a new pace, a new level of work… I have a hard time easing off from there. It becomes the new standard.
That’s why there’s basically zero time for reflection in my journals because I go from pushing and pushing and pushing, just sheer willpower to plow through everything that I feel like I have on my plate, immediately to life avoidance in front of the screen on my phone.
After getting the last of everything in my van And putting some of what I had put in the shed back in my van, my mom came over and picked me up to give me a ride to the Tranny shop. They called me this morning, said that it looks like there’s a fuel issue, and that that’s what’s causing the issues. For some reason, the vehicle is getting higher load numbers then is what’s actually necessary, and it’s running really really lean.
I hate that van.
I should have sold it when the transmission went out. At this point, I’ll be lucky to get out of it what I paid to have the transmission replaced.
More bad decisions. Seems like so many bad decisions. I try and make good decisions, and it just seems like over and over and over and over again I make decisions that turn out poorly.
Maybe that’s why I’m so hesitant to make decisions these days.
But it’s time for a fire sale. Time to get this crap gone. Time to get it out of my life, out of my mind. I need the pressure gone.
The tranny was shifting badly on the way back. I had disconnected the mass air flow sensor in the hopes that maybe that would even things out, but it actually made it worse. 😕
Another bad decision.
I now think I have a vague memory of having tried that in the past and had it not work, but it was so long ago but I just don’t remember.
😕
We stopped off at the recycling center on the way back so I could dump the different recyclables into the appropriate bins. Then I took my mom out to lunch again at Wendy’s in Pea Ridge.
I need to find a place to live. Place that’s mine.
So much pressure. So much to do. I know most of it’s in my own head.
Life tired.
I pulled back the tarp that’s covering all the bins that I have my personal belongings in, And I started making a list of all the bins, trying to figure out what’s going to happen with each bin. What gets sold, what stays in Rover, and what will get stored at my mom’s house until I get back from wherever it is that I decide to go.
I spent some time up at Jim and Steph’s. Steph invited me over for watermelon, but I was stuffed from Wendy’s, so I just went up to hear how her trip to Connecticut went And to just hang out. Hung out for a while, then went back down and grabbed the tree service stuff that I had left over because Stevie is interested in buying some of it.
He didn’t really have time to look at it because he had to start teaching his English classes, so I’ll pull out the things that he’s interested in.
And if he still wants to buy them, then I’ll get him those, and I’ll list everything else for sale.
His dad called me because he couldn’t get his truck to start because he left the battery drain down again, so I drove over and gave him a jump.
I think that was pretty much it for my day. I gathered up some more tools and set them out. I took a bath in the creek.
Ate dinner. One can of lasagna. One can of baked beans. And one can of beefaroni.
😕
😞
Looked at the news and YouTube and sports and what not. Bought and started watching John Wick 3, but figured I’d better go to bed so I could get up and get going before the brutal heat starts.
~ stephen
Lift the World 