I’ve been having a harder time remembering what day it is today. It keeps feeling like Sunday, but then I realize it’s Monday and the whole world is running around doing their thing, and I’m just… sitting here in Rover’s driver’s seat with everything at a standstill.
Lots of thinking this morning (it’s just now noon).
I think I’m a bit melancholic. And I’m certainly tired.
The battle going on inside of me…
Pain, loneliness, discouragement, sadness, fear, anger… etc.
Trying to overcome.
I’ve been making so many decisions and doing so many things that are contrary to who I am and what I want to be.
But I can’t seem to find any strength to risk trying again and hoping for a better tomorrow. It’s never a better tomorrow. It’s always harder, harder, harder.
More and more and more pain.
(sigh)
I’m afraid I’m going to turn back toward God out of sheer pain and desperation before I really begin spending my life doing the Lift the World stuff.
I don’t want that.
I want to see myself overcome all this crap and be that person, do those things–independent of any thing or any one else.
Independent of any other belief.
I want to see in myself that love is who I am without any other outside influence or reason for being that way other than the desires of my own soul.
That’s one motivation that maybe can get me going doing the Lift the World stuff faster–fear I’ll turn back to god before I’ve begun spending my whole life, all day every day, trying to lift the world.
Right now, I teeter back and forth between whether or not there is a god, and being very very angry with God.
…and then sometimes I’m just so beaten down that I sort of sit there numb, on the brink of… trusting again.
There’s a part of me, I think, that already knows that’s who I am.
But there’s a bit of doubt because of how long it has taken me to overcome my financial fears, and now, how swallowed up I am in my own struggles, how inward focused and selfish and paralyzed I am compared to what I want to be.
Can I get out and be that person because that’s who I really want to be? Can overcome being swallowed up by fear and anger and pain and be love all the time just because that’s who I want to be, and not for any other reason?
Can I do it because that’s who I am?
Can I prove to myself that I am that person, independent of anyone or anything else, even god?
Whether there is a god or isn’t a god, I am independent of that god. At least, that’s what I believe. And regardless of the existence or non-existence of god, I want to be love.
Do I have the strength to choose that on my own?
Do I have the strength to push past the utter devastation that I feel in my own life and the fear and pain and paralysis in my own heart and soul and just do and be who I want to be?
I think I’m repeating myself–a lot.
Bottom line, I want to see myself choose to give my whole life to love and help other people without there being a reason for doing so other than that’s just who I am and want to be.
I guess I had better get on it, as I find myself considering going back to… again… letting go of my anger and hatred toward God and… actually trusting again.
😳
I feel a pull in that direction.
I miss that light and peace.
But I don’t want to go back, at least not until I’ve seen myself, seen my heart, its very core, and found that being love and giving my life to love and serve others is just who I am.
I guess I had better get on it.
I lose more and more respect for myself every day, as I spend my time doing things that are contrary to my values–movies, tv, porn…
Wasted time. Wasted life. Destructive habits.
My language is atrocious.
My eating habits now are terrible. The “food” awful. Junk foods all the time, and I haven’t been eating vegan, despite my values still being in that arena.
I just… haven’t had the bandwidth to go to the effort that it will take to eat vegan and live in my van.
What else…
I can’t even find my toothbrush, though I at least floss regularly.
No exercise, other than what’s required to do all the physically demanding things that I do here on the property, which isn’t sufficient for properly taking care of my body.
I don’t have the bandwidth for so many of the things I really need to be doing, nor do I have motivation, as I lack hope that my efforts will actually result in some meaningful, positive gain.
So I keep making poor choices, which only increases the likelihood of more challenges in the future.
The spiral.
It’s a little after 12:45, and I had better get to town to get on my computer to get some stuff done for my accountant.
…
Ok, it’s almost midnight.
On my way into town, my Civic made some bad noises and shut down.
Did I never name my Civic?
🐿️
I looked under the hood and saw that my belt was shredded and wrapped around multiple pulleys.
But I couldn’t see any cause.
I didn’t have many tools in the trunk, but I did have a razor blade, so I cut off the shredded parts of the belt, untangled them from the pulleys, fired up the engine, and everything was fine.
🤔
I went into town, bought a belt for the Civic, a battery for one of my excavators, and an oil filter for Mike’s Jeep.
Then I headed over to Wendy’s, continued my poor diet habits, and worked on my taxes, getting what I hope to be the last of the needed documents over to my accountant.
🤞
Mondays are busy for her, so I won’t probably hear back from her until Tomorrow.
It rained overnight, as expected. It actually kept me awake for a while because it was so loud.
With the rain, even though it’s cooler, it’s muggy and uncomfortably sticky.
Anyway, I cleaned up a little bit around the homefront. I’ve almost got everything cleaned up and looking actually nice. Still more to do, but it’s looking better and better.
Aired up the two flat tires in the lawn mower and did a bunch of mowing.
I mowed all around my little homestead spot, and I mowed A second path through the lower field down to the deck. So now there are two, one that has been sort of a de facto route that people often take through the taller grass that now I’m officially mowing as the upper path.
I also mowed the lower path which is the one I created a long time ago and have kept mowed for years now.
Somebody else, likely either Jim or Landon mowed all around the deck area, and it looks really great.
It makes me happy to see people wanting to take care of it.
So much work went into trying to make that place a place people wanted to go.
I figure if we keep it mowed and then weed it once every month or so, we should do pretty well taking care of it. Then it should be usable and nice looking for activities.
Took the oil filter that I bought for Mike up to him. Also mowed around Liz’s Pond a little bit, and I mowed the other de facto path that’s been used to go from Liz’s backyard down to where I am. It’s just been tracks through the tall weeds of the field, but now it’s a legitimate, specifically mowedvpath like the others.
It all looks pretty good now. 🙂
Took a bath in the creek. The dam that I created has been slowly sealing itself. It was a couple inches higher today than it was the last time I was down there. High enough that it’s now spilling around the end instead of all running underneath like it used to.
Makes it a little bit more awkward getting into the water because it’s deeper, but it’s nice to have it be deeper. 🙂
Also, now that it’s spilling around the side instead of going underneath, The current is back to being mostly on the surface, which keeps the dammed up water behind free of all the floaties that sit on top when the current is below the surface.
I don’t know why, but Google has started replacing the word “that” with “Dad” pretty much every single time now when I use voice to text, which is what I use most in writing my journal here (voice to text).
Driving me nuts.
Wasted some time on YouTube and Facebook reels. Heartwarming videos. Funny videos…
I’m starting to run out of steam today. Tired. Nerves unhappy.
It’s a little warm in the van tonight. Of course, I don’t have the fan on yet, so that contributes.
Back hurts.
Probably need to do some surgery on my finger again. As far as pain goes, it’s mostly at zero, unless I bump it or mess with it. But there’s still this weird subcutaneous blister thing that I don’t understand what is.
It’s like there’s this really deep blistered directly behind my nail that causes all the layers of the skin to bulge upward. It’s like the blister is underneath all the layers of the skin itself.
When I push on that raised area, it feels exactly like a large blister. I can squish it back and forth, so to speak, feeling the fluid move inside. But it’s so deep that I can’t puncture it with a needle.
I’ve tried. 😅
Well, I’ve gone as deep as it would take to pop a regular blister, probably even a little deeper, and nothing. Don’t really feel like adding the significant amount of pain It takes to reach this lower deep blister thingy.
Anyway, that’s not important. Probably ought to go to bed.
Thumbs. 🙃
Spent some time going back over some correspondence from years ago. Nostalgia. Memories. Feeling closer without any recent communication.
I’m grateful for written communication that can be saved and gone back over.
Love and hugs.
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 