It’s coming up on 11:00… p.m…
I’ve spent a pretty good chunk of the day today going back… back over old things that I’ve written… old conversations that I’ve had… old experiences that I felt like I had with God…
I’m reminded of the cycle that I often have gone through over the last many years. Doubt, fear, discouragement, loss of faith, anger, misery (easily my worst round of misery), humility, faith, hope, peace…
Around and around…
I always end up back here, same place. Same values. Same beliefs. Same habits. Same life choices.
The cycle.
Heck, it was only the end of last year that I was back here. Hasn’t even been a year yet. 😅
Maybe the cycles are going faster now.
I’ve been pensive all day. And I’ve been feeling especially lonely today. I’m lonely everyday, but… that loneliness is a lot deeper as I come back to this point in the cycle.
Or maybe it’s just that at this point in the cycle I allow myself to feel what’s really there all the time?
I don’t know. I’m just writing possibilities, I think.
I have a friend who has often described the experience at the heart of this cycle as an “impossible situation.”
It certainly feels that way sometimes.
Anyway… I almost went to church today.
It’s been a long time.
And I did actually start talking to God again today.
Is there anyone listening? I don’t know. Deep down I do think so. But my rational mind might always doubt because I can’t objectively prove it beyond all doubt.
Haven’t yet at least.
I can feel a lot of the same thoughts and feelings returning.
I’ve been afraid of that.
I’m afraid because what always ends up happening is that I return to faith and trusting god, and I have peace, and everything is beautiful again, but then… time goes by, and more time goes by, and things I can worry about begin to pile up, and I start to be afraid. And I doubt again.
Perhaps the more time that goes by, the easier it is to doubt.
I can feel myself opening up to hope again.
And I’m afraid of that. 😳
…I’ve got a best friend that I can’t talk to, the one I used to talk to about this stuff… but I can’t anymore.
I’ve thought about just writing letters to that friend, as if having a conversation… that might help me focus and process as though I were actually communicating.
There’s a lot going on inside this little brain right now.
I’m really apprehensive this time through the cycle. I don’t want to go through the cycle again. I fear it’s gonna repeat.
In the morning, I listened to some recordings of me reading spiritual experiences that I had written down.
If I manage to make it to that point in the cycle, then it’s pretty much a sure bet that I’m going to turn back to God because I can’t really… deny those experiences or walk away from them permanently.
As much as sometimes it would be so much easier if I could.
Actually, pretty much all the time it would be so much easier if I could.
But I can’t.
Sometimes I find myself bewildered at how life ended up this way.
It’s in those times when it’s really easy to let anger creep in and then dominate.
As you all know, I can get viciously angry with God.
But “the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves.”
At least, that’s the most likely explanation. The fault is mine. I am to blame.
Yep… today, the humility that’s been returning over the last several days took a pretty good leap.
“Thy will, oh Lord, be done.”
Unless of course his will asks everything of me, asks me to sacrifice what I want most, asks me to trust in promises that never come true… all the while more and more of what I wanted most slips away…
No, even then. Even when I feel betrayed and lied to…
“The fault, dear Brutus…”
I want that light. I want that piece. I want that love. I want that knowledge that comes flowing in on the wings of God’s own Revelation to my soul. I want to be love.
Do I want it badly enough to let go of everything I hope and long for, putting it all in God’s hands?
No strings attached. No timetables. No conditions of any kind? No expectations… “Nothing expected other than the privilege.”
I’ve wanted to be that person so many times. It’s not something that comes from a desire to meet a standard that someone else has set for me. It’s not a destination that I feel like I’m supposed to get to.
It’s like an intuitive recognition of what it takes to have the heart I want. I know the heart I want. And I know that I have to be able to give everything.
I’m afraid of failing again. I know If I were to go off of what I think God thinks, he wouldn’t see it as failing at all. He would see it as being wildly successful because I just keep trying.
But to try again and to slip and fall and go through the cycle again… That’s part of the reason why I’ve avoided coming back, I think. Not that it was a sure thing that I would, but certainly a most likely. But emotionally, mentally, spiritually… I don’t know if I can handle going through this cycle again if I end up on the dark side of the cycle again.
It’s funny… faith… for many in the world it’s a weakness… it’s foolishness…
But there’s something about it… there’s a hunger inside of me to have perfect faith. What I do and what I believe I do and believe because that’s what’s in my soul.
But why?
I don’t do it or believe it for anyone else or any thing else. No person. No organization. No social pressures.
This is my heart and my life and my experience, and nothing that anyone else can say or do can stand in the place of that. No one can be or do for me. It’s my heart. It’s my conscience.
No one else can stand in. No one else can choose for me. No one else can be for me.
There’s a lot going on inside this little brain of mine.
Apprehensive.
But there’s sort of a quiet understanding in my own soul of where things are going.
The cycle.
(deep breath)
In other news, I think I’ve realized that my back isn’t really ever good, even when I think I found a good position. There’s always some underlying discomfort, whether it pain or heat or… something.
It’s just that some positions are better than others.
Last night was a pretty miserable night. I never could find a fully comfortable position.
Is what it is.
Day five in the books, and I think I didn’t even have a single flyer. Steady as she goes. I think I’m doing well in every area right now that I’ve been working on.
So I’ll call that a win for today.
I spent nearly all day at the creek/in the creek. Given how my back was feeling, and knowing that the buoyancy of the water relieves pain because it reduces pressure dramatically, that was one of the first things I did today was to get my little butt in the water and get some relief.
I’m grateful to have the creek right there. 🙂
While I was at the creek, of course I spent time working on improving everything, more stuff in the burn barrel, more cleaning off of the banks, more building up of the dam…
I cleared a path all the way up to the nearest spring, and I carved out drainage channels to get all of the water to come down the same channel, but this time a different direction. This time, I carved it so it went diagonally and started spilling over part of the bank where dirt had piled up on top of the bedrock over time such that the bedrock was completely buried under about a foot to 3 ft of dirt.
Not sure if I’m going To keep trying to clear the dirt off the bedrock at that point or not. On the one hand, it would be cool to have the bedrock go all the way to the spring. On the other hand, there are probably a whole crap ton of roots in that dirt, and I don’t want to harm the trees too much.
Anyway, so at times I just sat in the water, listening to recordings I’ve made of myself reading some of my most spiritual experiences.
Sometimes I worked on the creek bank and what not.
I actually stopped to eat lunch. Proud of me? 🙃
I both listened to and read through old conversations that were important to me.
At one point, while I was floating in the creek, I turned around and saw Beaver swimming past me probably only 8 or 10 ft away from me at its closest point as it swam by.
I don’t know if it noticed me? It did swim underwater, so maybe it noticed me?
It popped up where the overflow from the lower pond comes down enters the creek.
I followed it, but It took me awhile to get past The blackberry vines that obstructed the path it took up the pond drainage, So I never saw where it actually went. I did, however, find two large holes in the hillside, so I’m guessing the beaver lives in a little Den in those holes.
Or something like that. 🙃
It was a hot one today. Again. And the creek was both a relief on my back as well as from the heat.
Went over to Jim and Steph’s for dinner. There was a good little crowd there, including my mom. Just family, but a few smaller families, so to speak. 🙂
I hung out for a while after dinner just chatting before heading back to my little spot down by the creek.
As I pulled back in, I noticed that exactly in the spot where I park my van was sitting the top of the walnut tree.
😶
Apparently, while I was up at Jim and Steph’s, there was the shortest, briefest little storm that passed through, just enough for the lights to flicker on and off, no rain that I saw, but a little bit of wind, but apparently down there by the creek, it was a good bit more than just a little bit because, well, the entire top of the tree is now on the ground where my van was parked.
Fortunately, It was later in the day, which means I had already moved my van out from that spot to the place across the field where it can be in the afternoon shade, and I had actually even driven it up to Jim and Steph’s for dinner, so… My Civic, which was also parked near there escaped injury by about 2 ft, I think, in my van, had it been there, would have taken the whole thing right lengthwise down the middle.
🙃
So I’m parked in a different spot right now, a spot that’s going to get hotter quicker because it’s not going to be in the shade for very long once the Sun starts coming up. But I wasn’t feeling up to grabbing my chainsaw and cutting up the entire top of the tree that had fallen down. 😅
Nor did I expect to be in bed this late. It’s after midnight now, and I’ve been here since I think 9:00 or so thinking and writing and what not.
Grateful that I’ve managed to be migraine free today. I’m on the edge, so I could get one, but cross your fingers, so far, I’ve been migraine free today.
I did realize that my exuberance over my perspective on taxes the other day was… misguided… So now I’m back to being a little worried about that. I need to do a little bit of pondering about all that to see what I think, so I can make a solid decision and not be bounced around by the emotional highs and lows as I recognize and apply information that hadn’t popped yet into my head.
Anyway, I’m going to head to bed. I’ve got an email to quickly send to my accountant, and I have some folders on Google drive to re-share with someone, and then it’s nighty night for me.
Love and hugs. 😊
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 